All Around Me
by stressedasalways
Summary: Bella is left in a world of darkness after Edward leaves her.But just when things start to look bright again,weird things begin to happen.She wonders who could be the cause,knowing only one person could-Edward.But why after he promised to leave forever?AU
1. Seeing The Light

"_And I'll make you a promise in return," he said "I promise this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."_

"_Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice._

That night consumed my every thought. It ran on a loop in my head constantly. Even my dreams wouldn't give me a reprieve. If anything, they made the hole in my chest burst open even more.

In the light of day, I had the certainty of knowing the outcome. It played in my head, exactly as it happened. In the darkness of the night, my mind would try to change the events. Some nights I screamed at him, others I caught up to him in the forest, once I even managed to catch up to him as he was about to drive off. But they were all feeble attempts. In each scenario he still left me, he still no longer loved me. And that's when I'd wake up screaming.

"Bella? Bella!?" Charlie asked quickly through sleepy eyes. "It's just a dream, your safe, your awake, I'm here". He sat on the edge of my bed, his hand on my own, just like every night.

"I know," I sighed, suppressing the tears that would follow when he left the room, just like every night.

He squeezed my hand quickly as he got up and headed back to bed. I sat in silence waiting to hear his snores, and then let the tears flow freely. The night was always the worst.

--+--

Morning was always a relief, but the memories would always linger. I'd push them out as best I could; I had to continue the charade. I'd get dressed and get ready for school, another needed distraction.

As I brushed my teeth I looked in the mirror appalled by what I saw. My face seemed even paler then could be possible, and the sleepless nights showed in my puffy dark eyes.

"Ugh" I said out loud as I splashed some cold water on my face. I knew better then to look in the mirror again this morning. No amount of cold water would splash some colour back into it.

--+--

"Can you believe that?" Angela squealed.

"That's insane!" Mike answered her.

I smiled and nodded, the most I could bring myself to do. Mike and Angela were the only ones who still communicated with me on any level. Everyone else treated me like I had the plague, not that I entirely blamed them. They on the other hand, were the only ones who kept me going, kept me involved, and expecting nothing from me in return.

They knew not to take it personally when I said nothing to them for days at a time, and also knew not to make a big deal on the days I would speak. One word answers usually – but words none the less.

I picked at my lunch as they continued on with their conversation. I tried to pay enough attention to say something, but today appeared to be a bad day. The hole inside me seemed to be pulsating, forcing me to give it my undivided attention.

I sighed, and Angela looked at me quickly, worry covering her face before she quickly rebounded and continued whatever conversation she and Mike were having. The bell rang soon after, and I began what would no doubt be another boring afternoon.

--+--

The day was finally over and I slowly walked to my truck.

"Bella.." I heard Angela call from behind me. "We should talk" as she motioned to my truck.

We both got in and she started talking right away.

"Bella.. I know we haven't really talked, about, you know, what happened….."

I was about to interrupt her when she put up her hand and continued on.

"And I know that's because you don't want to, and you don't have to either. That's not what I'm asking for… It's just…. It's been two months….. I know your still hurting, anyone can see that.. But left to your own devices I don't think you're ever going to get out of this….this…depression." her eyes looked at me sadly. No one had said that word to my face before. Sure many people had insinuated it, I even knew it was true, but no one had said it.

I opened my mouth to talk, but before the words could come the tears began to well. I buried my face in my hand and took deep breaths.

"I know" I whispered

We sat in silence, I wasn't sure what to say, and she was letting me set the pace. I would look at her from time to time, but she sat there patiently, eyes full of understanding.

"I know I'm a mess. I keep trying to pull myself together, but I just can't. It's like there is something inside of me ripping me in two. I can't stop it, I can't ignore it."

"Oh Bella," she said as she wrapped her arms around me, "I know I can't understand the pain your in. But you have to get though this. It's time to get your life back. I think the one thing you need to accept is he isn't coming back…"

I quickly looked at her, shocked. "I know he's not coming back" I said harshly.

"No, I don't think you do. You've told me time and time again all you ever think about is the night he left. You're analyzing it, over and over again, trying to find a different answer. There is no different answer, he meant what he said. He's not coming back. You need to let go of that night… That's what is holding you back. You need to accept what happened, and know it's not your fault, and nothing you could have done would have changed it."

"But how can I just forget about him?"

"You don't have to. As time goes on, you'll be able to remember all the good times. There were so many. So many good memories you get to keep forever. But you can't even enjoy them until you let go of that night…. You're my best friend, and I'm here for you no matter what… But I don't know how much longer I can keep having conversations by myself with Mike" she said with a laugh.

Even through my tears I couldn't help but let out a faint laugh. She smiled at me, "I've missed you Bella"

We sat in the car a few more minutes before we both realized how much time had past. It was starting to get dark already. She gave me a quick hug, before we both headed home.

--+--

Dinner was silent as usual, but for some reason I was compelled to stay downstairs with Charlie after rather then sulk in my room. He seemed just as shocked as me, but thankfully said nothing about my change of routine.

After a few mindless sitcoms, and more sports news then I could care to watch I decided to head to bed.

"Night Dad" I said as I got up to head upstairs. Unexpectedly Charlie got up and gave me an awkward hug.

"Night Bella" he said through a smile. I smiled back as I headed upstairs.

After I had showered and changed into my PJ's I went and sat on my bed.

And I waited. Surely the hole would rip apart any second now. Somehow Angela's talk had stitched it up for a time, but now night was here. Still I waited. I started looking inside myself, looking for the pain, but I couldn't find it. Sure something was there, a small amount of sadness, but the emptiness was gone.

I smiled to myself and thanked Angela in my head. She was right, this was my life, and I needed to start living it. My worrying and analyzing wasn't going to change a single thing.

I walked to the window. Even as the months grew colder, I always left it open, just a smidge. An easy entrance, an open invitation. I opened it as wide as it would go. The cold air hit my face and awakened all my senses. I looked out into the night, and then to the sky.

"Goodbye Edward" I said to the night sky. The words I never had the chance to say that night. I took in a deep breath and let it out. The feeling I had was new. Closure.

I closed the window tightly. It was almost winter, and windows should be closed. I curled into my covers, and took another deep breath. Tonight I knew I would sleep soundly, there would be no more nightmares. That was my last thought as I drifted into a deep dreamless sleep.

* * *

**A/N - Thanks so much for reading my first chapter. I haven't done fan fiction in a long time so hopefully I'm not too rusty. I've got about the first half of the story mapped out, so feel free to leave suggestions - I may need them later on. Please leave feedback :-)**


	2. A New Day

**A/N - Thanks to everyone for reading my first chapter. We're starting out kind of slow, but I'm hopping I'm adding enough to still keep it interesting. Thanks to everyone who added this on their alert list. You made my day :-)**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter, things are starting to get interesting and I can't wait to write the next few chapters when the ball really gets rolling.**

**No feedback yet - but nothings really happened yet, so I take no offence. Just remember to leave a line at somepoint :p Enjoy!**

**Obviously I do not own twilight etc.**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 1 - Seeing The Light:

_"Goodbye Edward" I said to the night sky. The words I had never had the chance to say that night. I took in a deep breath and let it out. The feeling I had was new. Closure._

* * *

The rest of the week seemed to speed right on by. Angela and Mike seemed to pack my schedule to the point of exhaustion. I guess they feared if I wasn't always doing something, I might jump back into my depression. I tried to explain to them that it wasn't going to happen, but who was I to stop them after they had taken such good care of me. I figured I owed them at least a few weeks of packed days before I would slow it to a more stable level.

I had mentioned to them both that I was in need of a job and Mike was quick to offer that his parents could use more help then just him at his store. I don't know why I doubted him, because not even a few hours later I was at Newton's Outfitters shaking his mom's hand.

"How about you start a week Monday? I know you kids are taking off for the weekend, so you can have next week to recover" His mom said with a smile.

How they had convinced me to go this weekend I'll never know. Some band Mike was in love with was playing in Seattle and somehow he had not only convinced Angela, but me, to come along. We were leaving early Saturday morning and coming home Sunday afternoon. Mike had booked some shady hotel for us, but Angela's mom put a stop to that and we were now staying a much more 'suitable' hotel.

The only reason I had agreed when they brought it up at lunch earlier in the week was I was sure Charlie would veto the idea without a seconds hesitation. Instead he was so happy that I was going out, he practically offered us a police escort. I tried to keep bringing up how we would be in a hotel room, with a boy (Mike was a boy after all), but he was totally unfazed.

"Newton's a good kid. I know he'll return you in one piece" Charlie had said.

I smiled at Mrs. Newton. "I appreciate the offer of another week off before I start, but frankly I need the money, and there is no sense me sitting at home another week"

"Oh, of course Bella. You can start Monday then. It should be a quiet day, come after school and Mike will give you the run-down"

I saw Mike give a huge grin from behind his mother. I smiled graciously to her as she turned away and rolled my eyes at Mike. Great, he would be training me.

"Thanks again Mike, I really do appreciate you talking to your mom about this"

"No worries Bella. It will be nice to have some company around here anyway. Oh the trouble we can cook up, "he laughed. "You should get going. You've gotta research how we get to the show"

"Nope, Angela's taking care of that. Her dad is going to lend us his GPS. So should be a smooth trip. But I should get going, gotta do some laundry so I can pack tomorrow. Plus I'm sure Charlie will love to hear about my new employed status. See you tomorrow Mike" I waved as I walked out of the store.

I stopped a few feet from my truck. I had an odd feeling. Like someone was watching me. I looked around, but could see nothing out of the ordinary. A few people were looking my way, but that had been common this whole week. The whole town was abuzz with the news that Bella was no longer a zombie. Except for people at school no one else had seen me since before the 'forest incident' as I had heard it called. I put my temporary paranoia on the fact that I actually was being watched… by everyone in town, and hopped in my truck.

--+--

I didn't feel like cooking a huge meal tonight, so a quick pasta would have to do. As soon as we sat down at the table Charlie was the first to speak.

"So I hear you got yourself a job"

"Is nothing a secret in this town?" I laughed, "I only got hired like an hour ago"

"Small towns, things like this are big news. But why the sudden need of a job?" he asked

"No real big reason. Mostly some extra money will be nice, especially with all the outings Angela and Mike keep planning. Besides, it will keep me busy. No sense sitting in an empty house for a few hours after school if I don't have to"

He nodded in understanding. The rest of the conversation was about the trip. Although he still seemed more ecstatic then I did, his fatherly emotions had seemed to kick in. All the real questions like, who was driving, where we would be staying, did I have enough money, did we know how to get there etc.

I assured him the whole thing was well planned, and Angela's parents were making sure everything would go smoothly. They would have never allowed her to do this usually. Well at least not with a guy being part of it, Mike or otherwise, friend or not. But I'm sure they had heard all the stories about me through her, and the fact I had improved so greatly. They wanted me to feel better, and if Angela told them this trip would help, that's all the reasoning they needed. It still shocked me how nice all their parents were to me.

--+--

I gathered the laundry in my room, trying to think of what outfits I would need for the weekend. As I scanned my room for any tossed garments, I quickly locked on the rocking chair. My eyes closed, and I took in a deep breath. I could picture Edward in that chair, the memories steam rolled into me.

"_Your hair looks like a haystack…but I like it." His unruffled voice came from the rocking chair in the corner._

"_Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap. In the instant that my thoughts caught up with my actions, I froze, shocked by my own uncontrolled enthusiasm. I stared up at him, afraid that I had crossed the wrong line._

_But he laughed. "Of course," he answered, startled, but seemingly pleased by my reaction. His hands rubbed my back. _

_I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin._

"_I was sure it was a dream."_

I shook myself out of the daydream. I stood still, calming my own heart. The memory was so vivid, so real. I could feel the emotions that were in that moment, so happy and so new. I shook my head a few more times before lightly kicking the rocking chair, and heading downstairs to start my laundry.

--+--

"Okay, so we're all set. I'll pick up Angela and we will be at your place no later then 9:00am." Mike said excited.

"Sounds like a plan see you guys tomorrow" I said as I hopped in my truck.

Somehow I had managed to get out the school door earlier then usual and the parking lot was flooded with cars lining to get out. I decided to turn on my iPod and wait a song or two. I stared absently into the woods, tapping my hands on the steering wheel to the beat of the song. Suddenly, something changed. I'm not sure what it was. The woods seemed to be still and again I felt the paranoia of being watched. I looked behind me, seeing the lot was clear and got out of there as soon as I could.

--+--

That night as I packed, Charlie had given me a huge speech about the trip. I nodded and smiled, ignoring most of what was said. I was thankful when the conversation ended. You can only be told so many times, in so many ways to be careful.

I fell asleep easily, with thoughts still hesitant on this whole road trip. Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke with a start. My eyes were still closed, so I wondered what could have been the cause. I didn't remember having any dreams that may have startled me awake, and the house was quiet, Charlie was not moving around as near as I could tell. I opened my eyes, getting ready to re-adjust my pillows so I could go back to sleep when something caught my eye. Something in the shadows, in the corner of my room.

I squinted; trying to figure out what in-animate object in my room was making the shape my sleep filled mind was trying to say was 'a someone', rather then 'a something'. My mind thought of all the things in my room, and no matter how hard I tried I could think of nothing that could in anyway make a shape this deceiving to my eyes.

"Edward?" I whispered cautiously to the shape.

I reached and turned on the light, and nothing was there. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and quickly turned off the light and fell back asleep.

--+--

In the morning I ran around like a mad person. I kept thinking I had forgotten something. I was packed, I had money, and Charlie had even given me his credit card.

"For emergencies. I know you're not going to need it, but I'd just feel a lot better knowing you had it." Charlie had said as he tucked the card into my hand before he headed off fishing.

I knew they would be here to pick me up any minute. I quickly ran into my room for a last minute scan. I looked over some earrings and necklaces, but nothing caught my eye. I heard the honk of a car and jumped over to my window.

_There was the silver Volvo. And Edward, leaning against it like a Greek god._

"Hurry up sleepy head!" Angela screamed out the car window.

I laughed, "I'll be right down"

As I ran down the stairs, I was suddenly very happy for this trip. I needed a few days out of all these familiar settings.

"Let's hit the road!" I said with excitement as I got in the back seat.

I smiled as we passed the Forks city limits. For two days I had the chance to leave the memories and paranoia all behind.


	3. Road Trip

**A/N - Again I would like to thank everyone for reading and adding this story to their alerts/favs. Much appreciated.**

**I'm having a great time writting this story and I am actually already quite a few chapters ahead of this one. It's taking all my willpower to not post them all!**

**One note I would like to make before you read this chapter - MIKE IS JUST A FRIEND! I had let a friend read this chapter first and she freaked out thinking I was setting up a Mike/Bella love story. I assure you this is not the case.**

**Feedback is appreciated (hint hint)**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 2 - A New Day

_"Let's hit the road!" I said with excitement as I got in the back seat._

_I smiled as we passed the Forks city limits. For two days I had the chance to leave the memories and paranoia all behind._

* * *

"Are we there yet?" I whined

"No" Mike said firmly

"How about now?" I asked again

"Nope"

"Now?" I asked with a smile.

Mike just shook his head.

I was extremely tempted to ask again, but I knew Mike was starting to get a little frustrated. There had been some sort of accident on the highway. By time we got to where it was, it had cleared, but it added a lot more time to our drive.

I couldn't help myself though, I had to entertain myself. Besides, it's not a road trip if it's not asked repeatedly.

"Are we th…." I was cut off by Mike.

"Don't even think of asking what your about to ask or I swear I will turn this car right around!" Mike said trying his hardest to hold in his laughter. It didn't work and we were all soon in hysterics.

--+--

A little while later we had finally arrived in Seattle. Mike was now trying to navigate his way to our hotel.

"I think this chick is wrong!" he exclaimed to Angela pointing at the GPS.

"The GPS cannot be wrong" she replied

"I swear we are driving in circles"

"Um." I interrupted "I think we just went past our hotel"

"That's not possible!" Angela exclaimed while playing with buttons on the GPS.

"I knew it!" Mike laughed smugly.

After a bought of Angela beating the poor GPS unit that kept telling us to turn when we could see the hotel, we finally arrived.

The room was fairly basic, but it was clean, and much cleaner then the hotel Mike would have had us staying in.

"We have a few hours to kill" Mike said as he sat on the sofa.

"We should go to the pool, it's heated! Come on, we won't have a chance to go swimming again for months." Angela suggested.

I shrugged, "Sounds like a plan"

We each had to take turns changing in the bathroom. Mike went first and then Angela. By time she had gotten dressed though Mike was itching to go to the pool.

"You guys go ahead, Mike's gonna loose it, I'll be down there in under 10 minutes"

"Are you sure?" Angela asked.

"Of course"

"Race you!" Mike screamed as he was out the door, Angela laughed and followed him quickly.

I got ready pretty quickly, and decided I should grab some drinks for everyone on my way. I got to the vending machine at the end of the hallway and started to get 3 cokes. Unfortunately I decided not to break any of my big bills, so I was doing it with quarters. On the second coke, I heard someone behind me.

"Just one more, then it's all yours" I said cheerily to the person behind me. I heard a faint 'hmm' in return and continued popping quarters. Once I had the last one I turned around and said, "All yours"

But no one was there. I stuck my head out to look down the hall, and again there was no one there. I small shiver ran down my spine as I walked as fast as I could to the pool.

"You read my mind" Mike said as I got to the pool with cokes in hand.

I looked around and there was no one else in the pool but Mike and Angela.

"Wow, we got the pool to ourselves. Nice"

We goofed around in the pool for a good half hour, but then both me and Angela got tired of Mike pushing us under. So we decided to sit on the edge with our legs in the water.

"It's been a good week" Angela said, slightly as a question.

"Yeah it has"

"All good?"

I looked to see what Mike was doing but he was at the other side of the pool playing with the water basketball.

"Yes and no" I admitted quietly. "It's no where near as bad as it was. But I seem to remember him at the strangest times."

"Like?"

"Well the other day when I was gathering laundry in my room I looked at my rocking chair, and suddenly he was there. And I was re-living a convo I had with him"

"A good conversation or a bad one?" she asked with some concern

I wasn't about to tell her the details of that conversation. That it was the conversation we had after the first night he slept over, well that I knowingly knew he slept over.

"It was a good conversation…Definitely a good conversation" I said with a small smile.

"Well that's okay." She said relieved. Then some realization dawned on her. "But you said yes and no? Remembering good things are yes, so what's the no?"

"It's going to sound like I'm completely out of my mind"

"No it's not. Besides if I was ever going to think that I would have thought that the last 2 months…Not now" she gave a small laugh and hit my arm

"Yeah, I guess that true" I also gave a laugh. I tried to think of how to explain it to her without making myself seem crazy or making Edward sound like some stalker, which of course would then scare her.

"Edward was always protective of me…We were very close" My mind raced to find some example, some analogy. "Like, we were so close I could feel him"

She looked at me, confusion all over her face.

"Um, I'm trying to explain, I promise. Oh! Okay. An example would be like when he and his family would go camping. I wouldn't see him for a few days. I'd be in the cafeteria with you and everyone else. He'd then enter the cafeteria, and even though I didn't see him come in, didn't know he'd be at school that day, when he entered that room I knew it. I could feel him; we had a connection where I just knew he was there, before I even saw him"

I looked at her hopping my weird ramblings had made some sort of sense to her. I wasn't sure if they made any sense to me either. She no longer looked as confused, but she still didn't understand.

"I think I know what you're saying. But I guess I don't understand how that has anything to do with the bad parts of your week"

"See that's the crazy thing. I keep sensing him. At first I dismissed it, because I know I'm still hurting. I'm not trying to pretend that this one good week has erased everything. Also, when I sensed him, I put them off to memories almost. Like I remembered that feeling while at school in the parking lot, but it made sense because that's where I would see him." I said desperately. I hadn't had time to go though my own thoughts yet, so describing them to someone else first was quite hard.

"Okay, I still follow what you're saying, but I still don't understand where you're trying to go with it"

"I don't know! I think I am losing my mind!" I put my face in my hands

"What happened?" She whispered.

"I don't even know really. I was nothing. But it was just weird" I said through my hands.

"Tell me, crazy or not it's better to get it out" she pleaded with me.

I sighed and lifted my head up again. "Well when I went to get the cokes, the vending machine is at the end of the hall, so I was down there by myself. It was taking me a while, since I was getting three and only had quarters. After the second one I felt someone stand behind me. I told them I'd be just a second, and I swear I heard them make a noise, just like a sigh for okay. A few seconds later when I was all done, I turned around and no one was there, and there was no one down the hall either."

"So your saying you felt like Edward was behind you?"

That's when I thought about it harder. No. Why was I even talking about this silly incident? I didn't think it was Edward. Not even once. This had absolutely nothing to do with anything. I instantly felt really stupid.

"No" and I laughed. "I'm such an idiot; I just spooked myself I guess. With all the other emotional crap I'm going through I just sort of lumped it in there, but it was nothing. Now I feel really stupid for even talking about it."

Angela laughed. "No worries. Look your laughing now. If you didn't talk about it, you would still be freaking yourself out for no good reason. You just needed to say it out loud to see how it wasn't anything"

"Yeah you're right Angela. I'm glad I talked about it, I still feel like an idiot though. How will I ever re-pay you for the free psychiatry you're giving me?"

"Don't worry, I'm sure I'm due for a mental breakdown at some point. Just promise to help me then"

"Deal" I laughed with her and gave her a hug.

--+--

I was surprised I actually like the band. In all of our planning of this road trip I had never once listened to them. I wasn't sure I'd buy their CD or anything, but they were good entertainment. It was all very melodic and mellow. Even there most up-tempo songs would never be played for a dance floor.

The venue was actually really nice. It was huge, yet weirdly intimate. It almost reminded me of a large Jazz type bar. Everyone sat at tables or booths, some people stood at the very back where there was a bar. We sat at a small table with a nice view of the band, without being right at the very front.

Angela kept whispering to me and pointing out the cute guys at the tables around us. I looked around, but none of them could compare to the image in my head.

During a small break two guys came up to out table.

"Ladies, can we get you a drink?" the blond one asked.

"There with me" Mike said firmly.

I was actually quite surprised. I never pictured Mike as a protector before.

"Both of them?" the other man scoffed.

"Yeah. Now if you don't mind we'd like to get back to our conversation" Mike said and stared them both directly in their eyes.

They both stood for a moment, and then walked back to where ever they came from.

"Way to go Mike" I said quite proudly. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Hey, I've gotta protect my best friends from the jerks of the world" He said and kissed my temple.

That's when the music started up and he took his arm off me and went back to watching. I felt so bad for Mike. He felt like he had failed me by not protecting me from Edward. He had told me right from the start that he didn't trust him. I wanted to tell him that he was right in the end, but there was nothing he could have done to stop me. But I thought better. Although I wanted to let Mike know none of this was his fault, I knew there was nothing I could say that would allow him to let go.

I thought back right to the beginning. Everyone had told me to stay away. The Cullen's didn't talk to anybody. They had all told me to stay away, they all felt that natural fear and aversion. I wondered why I didn't listen. Why did I ignore not only my own natural instincts, but every single person I knew? Maybe that was why everyone was so nice to me now. They all felt guilty because they all knew for some reason they should stay away from them, and somehow none of them had managed to get that through to me.

"This will be our last song, you've been an amazing crowd Seattle" the singer said from the stage.

It snapped me out of my thoughts and I was thankful to no longer be in my head.

--+--

Back at the hotel I sat on the couch with Mike eating a slice of pizza. Angela was passed out on one of the beds, so Mike and I had resorted to watching an episode of 'The Simpson's' with the closed captioning on.

"Mike, I just wanna say again how much I appreciate everything you've done." I whispered.

He scouted closer to me wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "Bella, you're my best friend. I don't even have to think about stuff like that." He whispered back.

I shifted my body into his and continued eating.

--+--

The wake up call from the hotel sounded like a siren in my head. There was no way it was time to leave already. It felt like I had just gone to bed.

I heard a collective moan from Mike and Angela. At least I knew I wasn't the only one.

The drive home was extremely uneventful. But the trips home usually are. The realization that school was tomorrow, and for me and Mike work, was enough to keep the drive home quiet. As we got closer to home we saw a light dusting of snow on the ground. Winter was officially here.

Mike dropped me off at home just before dinner. Angela was passed out in the backseat.

"See you tomorrow" he whispered and gave me a big smile.

I waved as they drove off.

"Dad? I'm home." I said as I entered the house.

"Welcome home!" Before I could respond Charlie had me in a big bear hug.

"Tell me all about it" he said as he led me to the living room.

I sat down and was about to start when I noticed the empty TV dinner tray beside his seat.

"Dad, I was gonna make dinner."

"Oh, it's OK Bella. I wasn't sure exactly when you'd be home, besides I didn't want you having to come home and get straight to cooking."

I smiled at him and started telling him about the trip. I talked about how the hotel was nice, and the pool was ours for the better part of the afternoon. He laughed when I recalled Mike's battle with the GPS.

"Did you get pictures?" he asked

"Yep. I got quite a few. I'll drop them off to get developed tomorrow on my way to work"

I watched TV with Charlie for a bit but by time 8:00pm came around I couldn't stop my yawning.

"I think I'm gonna call it a night. It was a late night last night, and I've got a busy day tomorrow"

"Of course. Night Bella, have a good first day at work"

"Thanks" I called as I headed upstairs.

I quickly grabbed my pair of sweats and a TV shirt and went to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth.

When I got back in my room I had a strange feeling. It felt like something was different, something had been moved. I surveyed my room, but to be honest I didn't have that many things in it. Everything was where it should be. I shrugged and figured it must be because I spent a night away.

I crawled into bed and instantly passed out.

--+--

I woke up a few hours later with a start again. I opened my eyes, and again saw an unexplained shadow. I turned on my light and of course nothing was there.

I was just about to turn of the light and go back to sleep when I felt a cold breeze hit my face. I looked towards the window and it was open about half in inch.

I quickly hopped out of bed and opened the window and looked out. The wind was extremely strong. I closed the window, panicking. I sat on the edge of the bed and thought how before when I talked to Angela how foolish I had felt. This is just like that I told myself.

I pretended it was morning and I was telling the story to her. She would ask if it was windy, I'd say yes. Then I'd remember how my window has always been easy to open and close. She'd then tell me that obviously the wind blew it open, and the slight chill is what woke up in the first place. It made perfect sense. Again I felt silly, I would have to tell Angela that she's so good I can have conversations with her in my head and make myself feel better. I'm sure she'd get a kick out of that.

I calmly got back into bed, turned out the light and fell right back asleep.


	4. Choosing Battles

**A/N - Much thanks go to Kolored and Yuki-Kowareta for my first two reviews! Thanks again to everyone else who is silently reading, and to those adding me to their alerts.**

**I'm very excited to put this chapter up as we are really getting into my story now. This chapter is also almost as long as the first 3 chapters put together. So enjoy and please leave reviews :-)**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 3 – Road Trip

I_ pretended it was morning and I was telling the story to her. She would ask if it was windy, I'd say yes. Then I'd remember how my window has always been easy to open and close. She'd then tell me that obviously the wind blew it open, and the slight chill is what woke up in the first place. It made perfect sense. Again I felt silly, I would have to tell Angela that she's so good I can have conversations with her in my head and make myself feel better. I'm sure she'd get a kick out of that._

_I calmly got back into bed, turned out the light and fell right back asleep._

* * *

I parked my car outside of Newton's Outfitters getting ready to start my first shift. I pulled my iPod headphones out of my one ear and wrapped it up and threw it in the glove box. I stared at the high tech CD player that mocked me. I refused to use it, and had instead used my iPod in one ear only so I could hear the road. I made a mental note to myself that I really needed to dispose of the CD player as soon as I could. I wondered if I could convince Mike to help. But I knew he'd prolly just want it himself, and I didn't want anyone to have it. I sighed knowing this was something I'd have to figure out my self as I headed into work.

"Welcome to hell", Mike said in a sinister voice as I entered the store.

I looked around at the empty store. Winter was definitely low season. "I don't think I can handle the pressure" I mocked back at him as I stuffed my coat behind the counter.

Training consisted of walking around the store and Mike making fun of my lack of knowledge of outdoor goods. I wasn't all that concerned, everything had a price tag, and that's all I needed to do my job.

A few regular customers came in buying some small items, so I got to practice my skills on the cash. Mike gave me a standing ovation, and I couldn't help but laugh.

The store was only open until 8:00pm, so even on a slow day like this, the shift was quick. At 7:45pm Mike told me to sneak out, saying he would close up. As I headed back to my truck I grabbed a screwdriver and told Mike I'd bring it back tomorrow.

I got in the truck and stared down the menacing CD player. There were no directions, so I had no clue how to get it out. Oh well, I thought, it's just going in the trash anyway.

Somehow I managed to luck out. The screwdriver easily popped out the unit, and then I only had to unclasp the few connections in the dash. I looked around and spotted a dumpster used for the few stores in the area and chucked the player in. It was a small relief knowing I would no longer have to look at it anymore.

--+--

"Hey Dad"

"So how was the first day?" he asked with a smile.

"Oh you know just super duper exciting" I said with obvious sarcasm. He gave me a quick laugh in response. "I'm assuming you already ate?"

"Yeah, guess I'll be on my own for dinners for a while"

"Maybe I'll pre-cook some stuff for you on the weekends. You can't live on TV dinners you know."

He said nothing is response which I took as a 'yes please'. He wouldn't want to ask me to do it, but he knew just as I did his cooking skills would not cut it.

I decided to be lazy and just make myself a sandwich. While sitting at the kitchen table I worked on the little homework I had. Mike told me I could always do it at work when there not busy, but I decided that at least for my first few days I shouldn't.

--+--

I lay in bed with the lights on. Just relaxing and already wishing it was Saturday. It was only Monday and I was already exhausted. I really needed just one day to catch up on some sleep. Maybe I would skip tomorrow? Nah, I never would, so there was no sense trying to convince by body it may have the chance to sleep in tomorrow.

I grabbed my copy of 'Wuthering Heights' and decided some good comfort reading would help me relax before bed. I hadn't touched the book in months, so I was half tempted to start it over, but I could see a bookmark and decided I might as well continue.

I got myself comfortable as I opened the book to the marked page. Instantly my breath stopped and all I could hear was the pounding of my freaking out heart.

My body revolted and I gasped in some much needed air. I closed the book and placed it on my lap. This is not real, this is not real, this is not real. This is your mind playing tricks on you, this is not real.

I went over my own mantra in my head. I kept my eyes closed and tried to breathe in slowly and steadily. After a few minutes I opened my eyes and let out a deep breath.

"Not real" I said out loud as I picked up the book. I carefully opened the book and looked again at the bookmark. Or should I say bookmarks.

Sitting in front of me were two plane ticket vouchers to Florida. I hadn't seen these since my birthday. They were with everything else that had disappeared. I quickly looked at the clock, it wasn't too late.

"Hello?" a soft voice asked on the other line.

"Hi, is Angela available?" I asked nicely trying hard to suppress the panic that must have been building in my voice.

"Bella?" her mom asked.

"Yes" I answered quickly, I had no time for more pleasantries. "Is Angela there please? I _really_ need to talk to her" I couldn't hide my cracking voice anymore.

"Of course dear, of course!"

I could hear shuffling on the other end of the phone. I hopped I hadn't freaked out her Mom to much.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Angela asked quickly.

"I need your good reasoning here really bad, because I'm having another I'm loosing it moment"

"Tell me everything"

"You know how we talked about how Edward" I stopped briefly after saying his name. "Took some stuff back when he left"

"Yeah I remember the CD and pictures" she said with disgust. We had this conversation many times. She found it absolutely disgusting that he would take such precious things from me. She had said that would be reason number one why she would slap him if she ever saw him again.

"Well there were also the plane tickets…Which I just found being used as a bookmark in my 'Wuthering Heights'" I told her trying not to cry. "Please give me the logical reasoning behind this"

I could hear her stunned silence on the line. I knew I didn't have to explain there was no way I put them there.

"Maybe I'm not going crazy, maybe he is following me" I clamped my hand over my mouth, trying to stop a huge weep. Angela still heard it though and knew I was breaking down.

"No no. There's a reason for this………………Ok, I think I know, just calm down and hear me out. The other stuff he took was personal stuff, pictures of him and the CD he made for you. The tickets weren't about him, there were about visiting your mom. Maybe on his way out he got a guilty conscience and decided to give them back to you. I don't know why he just wouldn't put them back where you had left them, but he's an ass and that's enough reason." She reasoned with me.

I had to admit it made some sense. He knew how much I wanted to see my mom, and maybe he put them in the book thinking it would be a nice surprise. He probably didn't expect me to be such an emotional wreck when I found them.

"_Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind"_

"He's such a jerk!" Angela snapped me out of my memory. "But the good news is your _not_ crazy" she said sternly.

"Yet…But I will be soon if weird stuff like this keeps happening" I sighed.

A few minutes later I had convinced Angela to hang up so we both could get some sleep. I held the tickets in my hands, and slowly fanned my face with them; every now and then they would lightly brush my face.

The more I thought about it the less sense it made. Edward wouldn't leave the tickets. He was careful enough that if he decided to give them back they would be in the exact spot I'd left them in. Just like album, looking so perfect on the floor, but its insides carefully ripped out. The more I sat in thought the more it became clear that this was not something he had done the night he left. This had to have been done recently, I was sure of it. All of the dots were starting to connect, I just couldn't figure out what they were making. Why would Edward be trying to torture me? Why would he keep scaring me?

Fear crept into me as I thought of an even bigger question. Why would his family, why would Alice allow this to happen? This wasn't the first thing that had happened, she had to have seen my reaction to everything.

"Please just stop" I said aloud to the room as I tried my hardest to fall asleep.

--+--

"So I heard you thought you were going crazy?" Mike asked as we sat in the store.

"Nice"

"Don't worry about it, I would have freaked out too if something like that had happened to me"

"Yeah, it was the last thing I was expecting before I went to bed last night, that's for sure. But Angela is gonna spend the next few nights at my place, keep me from going over the brink."

Mike ended the conversation there. He didn't know about any of my other crazy moments, only Angela knew about those, hence why she was temporarily moving into my house.

I also hadn't told Angela about my revelation last night. First off all because I had no solid proof, she had found logical reasoning for everything, but I knew better. Also because if I told her I was being 'stalked' she couldn't see how it would be possible. She would never understand how scary Edward could be. I had never been scared of him in this way before, but now that I was stuck not understanding him I had never been more terrified. He could come into my house whenever he wanted and I would never be the wiser, he could follow me to school, to work, everywhere.

He was never scary when we were together because he always made his presence known. Made noises purposefully, would wrap his arms around me. But he could just as easily follow me without making a sound. Thoughts of the times he was following me when I first came to town. I had no clue. A chill went through me and I knew I needed to stop thinking about these things. As much as I was sure it was Edward, I didn't want it to be him. I needed more proof before I could let my mind go down this dangerous path.

Edward had told me he didn't love me anymore and had left. Why would he come back? Different scenarios ran though my head.

What if he had never actually left? Was it coincidence that all the weird things happened the exact week I came out of my zombie state? Was I some sort of a game, or an experiment?

A customer interrupted my train of thought. I ran them through and wished them a good day before retreating back into my head. This time my thoughts tried a new scenario.

What if he had a change of heart? My heart fluttered at the idea. What if he made a giant mistake and had come back to me? This was of course the answer I wanted to be true, the answer I also knew couldn't be true. He wouldn't play weird mind games with me to get me back, not when they were freaking me out.

I felt the familiar hole in my chest open ever so slightly. Why had my brain allowed my heart to think of this scenario? It brought me nothing but pain because I knew with every fiber of my being that it wasn't true. He didn't love me anymore. He had left me. Yet my heart still ached for him as if none of it had ever happened.

If Edward walked into this store right now, my heart would want to run to him. Wrap my arms around him, bury my face in his chest and inhale his amazing scent.

My head on the other hand was in a much saner place. Whatever was happening was not normal. These things were not being done out of love or forgiveness, they were scare tactics. For what I was not sure. For those reasons my head knew that if Edward walked into the store right now, I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

Yes. When the day comes that he decides to show himself, and actually comes to do whatever it is he needs to do, I wouldn't be able to stop him.

"_I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second._

"_As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly._

_He reached with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against the huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow._

_And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as stone._

"_As if you could fight me off," he said gently._

No. I wouldn't be able to fight him off. It seemed whatever fate had in store for me was set in full swing. I could do nothing to stop whatever he was going to do.

At that moment my head went completely clear and I knew there was one thing I could change. I did not have to involve Mike and Angela. They were still my friends, and I wasn't going to push them away. But I did not have to put them in harms way. At this time anything Mike knew was little, and it would be easy to keep it that way. I had never used him as my sounding post to my crazy thoughts. Angela on the other hand knew quite a bit, but so far everything was explained by her logic. I would let her believe that I believed completely in that now, show no doubts. As far as she was concerned nothing strange was going to happen to me again. I would tell her nothing, to keep her safe.

"Are you okay? You seem like you've been in la la land all shift?" Mike asked

"Yeah," I answered too quickly. My mind raced for an acceptable excuse. "I'm just thinking about that English project we have to do over the Christmas break."

"What? Christmas break isn't for a few more weeks, and the project isn't due for way over a month."

"I know. I just always freak out at the beginning of projects, deciding what to do and such."

"You're such a brown-noser!" Mike laughed.

I stuck my tongue out at him and took a mental note to never use my working time here as a place to think. Mike had become way too good at reading my face, and there needed to be no suspicion.

--+--

The next few days passed in an uninteresting blur. Nothing strange had happened, and as much as I was relieved it terrified me that something big was going to happen.

When I arrived home on Thursday Angela was finishing up dinner. Charlie was extremely flattered, no one had taken care of him since Alice. I quickly pushed that thought out.

"You really didn't have to do this" Charlie told her.

"No, it's my pleasure. I know Bella's been busy with work, and I figured you deserved at least one good meal for allowing me to crash here"

Charlie's response was a "mmmmm" as he ate up whatever she served.

--+--

Later in my room I continued to keep my plan in action.

"Thanks again Angela for being my sounding post through all of this"

"No problem" she said as she went over the photos we had developed from our trip.

She had decided to place my copy of the prints in my photo album. She had quickly passed over the few pages where pictures were missing. I really didn't want her to use that album, I would have told her, but I had to keep being light and airy. My head had to keep winning over my heart.

"Are you sure it's okay to add to this album? I could always buy another one, but you do have more the enough pages to add to this one" she had asked.

My heart had screamed at the top of its invisible lungs. My head knew to ignore it. Edward was watching, I was sure of it. I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing me weak, like I had done before. I was just some sick experiment to him and his family, and I needed to keep my sanity and not give them any satisfaction where I could help it.

"Of course. What's an album for if not to put pictures in it?" I said with a small forced laugh. I was scared she had noticed, but I seemed to be in the clear.

We listened to music and talked about nothing topics like celebrities and school gossip. This act wasn't as hard to keep up as I had thought. Maybe because I had always hid secrets from her? I had always been such a terrible liar, but then I guess I became a master when I met Edward. The lies and fibs for other people's protection were constant, and this was very much the same. I was keeping her in the dark for her own protection.

She finished the album as I was on the verge of falling asleep. I saw the first few pages of the trip, and smiled at the memories. I promised her I would look again in the morning when I was awake.

I helped her set up her sleeping bag on the floor, I really hated that she had to do that. I offered her the couch downstairs but she said if we needed to talk that wouldn't work. I offered her my bed, but that too she instantly declined. I finally got her to compromise on switching each night with me, but so far she had never allowed it to happen.

--+--

I awoke sometime in the middle of the night, already knowing what had woken me. I opened my eyes and saw the familiar shadow in the corner of my room, and then without shifting my body glanced at Angela on the floor. She was sound asleep and safe. I then closed my eyes, making sure the whole time I never moved an inch.

It gave me a strange sense of pleasure to not give him my usual response. No sitting up, no light turning on, no saying his name out loud, nothing.

My heart was reeling, but my head refused to lose. I would not move an inch, would not change my breathing, even if I had to stay awake all night.

That's when it happened. My whole body tingled and my heart went into overdrive. Luckily my willpower seemed to be quite strong as my head went into overdrive as well.

Smooth cold marble fingers traced my face, and then shifted a stray piece of hair. I focused all my energy on staying still and not reacting. I quickly stopped breathing in from my nose, if I smelled him I may break. Somehow during all of this I think I even managed to keep my breathing steady the whole time. Sure my heart was pounding so hard and fast to him it must have felt like the whole room was moving. He knew I was awake, but he must have been upset I had not reacted to his shadow. He wanted to shock me with something new. If I opened my eyes he would already be gone. So I would not do that no matter how much it hurt.

I knew the war would be Edwards. I didn't have a chance in winning, whatever it was that he was after, he would get it in the end. But I wasn't going without a fight. I would choose the battles I could win, and keeping my sanity was one of them. I would not allow these mind games to consume me, I would not go back into my zombie like trance.

I spent the remainder of the long night not moving. I'm pretty sure I slept at some points, but not for very long. I was thankful it was Friday, I knew I could push my way through it.

--+--

I sat up in the bed feeling utterly exhausted. Angela was in the shower, and I was stuck trying to keep myself awake. I saw the album on the floor and opened it to the half-way point, avoiding the emptiness with ease.

The pictures were great, and Angela had captured the moments beautifully with her captions. I quickly flipped through with a smile on my face. I'd have to remember to show Charlie this tonight.

When I reached the end I started flipping the pages backwards. I was caught up in the trip photos when I suddenly came across photos taken in the cafeteria. These were the old photos. I thought about closing the album, but decided what was the point? I knew what I would see, what difference did it make?

The pictures almost seemed new to me it had been so long since I had looked at them. My smile was wide now as I turned another page.

There was Edward Cullen staring right back at me. The awkward picture of me and him, originally folded to just show him was now back in the album. Only this time the whole picture was visible with the giant crease going down its centre.

I don't know why I then flipped to the first page. I knew what would be there, and it was. That beautiful picture I'd taken of him, before all the ugliness and awkwardness. This was how my heart remembered him.

Every muscle in my body went tense. I could feel the tears trying to well in my eyes. I took a deep breath and forced them back in. It took everything I had to not curl up into the fetal position and breakdown. Even my head seemed to be turning on me, debating allowing itself to return to my previous zombie self. I was loosing the battle on self-preservation.

"So what you think?" I heard Angela say as she entered the doorway.

My self-preservation may have been dying, but not the need to keep my friends safe. I quickly yet calmly closed the album and easily dug up a smile.

"It's great. Thanks so much for doing this" I was surprised how chipper my voice had sounded. I was better at this then I used to be.

"I knew you would!" she said proud of herself.

--+--

I sat in class not absorbing a thing. My only advantage was that the teachers were still ignoring me and I didn't have to try and concentrate.

My head was reeling. I just couldn't understand anything anymore. Why would he do this to me? Why was he trying to break me down?

He wasn't even trying to be subtle anymore. This wasn't like before, small random events. These were huge things all happening in short spans of time. Within 12 hours he had appeared in my room, _touched_ me and put back the photos in the album he knew I would look at.

I put my head in my hands and let out a small moan. The lack of sleep along with my mental state were taking a toll, my head felt like it was in a vice.

"Bella?" I heard my teacher ask.

I knew I should look up or respond, but I just couldn't.

"Bella, you should go to the nurse and sign out for the day."

Again I couldn't answer. I got up and grabbed my bag and left the room, making eye contact with no one.

I sat in the nurse's office while she did whatever protocol she was required to do for me to leave. I think it involved calling Charlie, so I broke out of my silence to let the nurse know it was only a bad headache. No sense letting Charlie know the darkness was surrounding me again.

The door was only partially open but I could hear her on the phone.

"Yes Chief Swan, it looks like it's just a bad headache…..No I don't think that's necessary. Some aspirin and a day of sleep should do the trick, I don't think there's any need in you going home as well"

She paused for a long time. Although I couldn't hear Charlie on the other end I'm sure he was asking her again if I was okay. I could picture him bringing up the past few months, asking if I looked anything like that.

"No it _really_ just looks like a bad headache" she whispered.

If I could I would have smiled, somehow I must not have looked as bad as I felt. There's no way I could deal with Charlie now.

The nurse came back into the room and looked at me with concerned eyes.

"Will you be okay to drive?"

"Yes. I'll be fine"

The nurse nodded and was about to leave the room when I remembered something.

"Can you please let Angela Webber and Mike Newton know I've gone home? I'm supposed to work a shift tonight, and Angela was supposed to sleep over…" I trailed off. The one benefit of a small town, I could pass personal messages through relative strangers.

"Of course dear, you get better now"

--+--

The cool air as I walked to my truck provided some small relief. As soon as I got in the truck I slumped down on the steering wheel.

How easy had he beaten me down? Was it only last night I had decided to put up a fight? And now here I was about to disappear all over again.

I could feel everything slipping away again, just like it had back in the forest. There were no tears, or anger, or any other emotions. I was void. An empty shell slowly shutting down.

I sighed deeply as I softly tapped my head on the steering wheel. There had to be some fight in me left. I didn't want to disappear again and be stuck in my head.

"Come on" I whimpered to myself. I tried to gather my thoughts. Maybe all I needed was some sleep. It would give me some energy and get me through another day, and then another night. I wasn't ready to give up.

The chill of the car had started to get to me and I knew I needed to start getting home. First period would be over soon, and word would spread quickly to Angela and Mike. If my truck was still here I would have to speak to them, which was something I knew I couldn't do.

I started the car and quickly sped out of the parking lot. I heard an unfamiliar yet recognizable 'whirl' sound. I looked, but no windows seemed to be opened. I was just about to start looking for other places for the weird yet familiar sound when the real noise started.

My lullaby.

My CD.

My CD player.

I stared at the CD player is complete disbelief and then quickly pulled over the side of the road.

I felt my breaths come in and out quickly, I was practically hyperventilating. My heart and my head were both snapped out of their zombie like stupor. This had definitely grabbed their attention.

My hands were so tight on the steering wheel I could see my knuckles turning an even more unnatural shade of white. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the headrest. As painful as it was I couldn't turn it off, not without hearing it until the end.

As soon as the song was over I was quick to hit stop. My eyes were filled to the brim with tears, but I refused to let them fall. I blinked quickly but I could still barely see, but I didn't care.

I pushed the gas pedal down as far as it would go heading straight to the center of my personal hell.

--+--

I was shocked at how easily I got there. I used to always drive past it, missing its subtle entryway. But I was on a mission, and even with its overgrown entrance I easily spotted it down the road.

The house looked just the same, which surprisingly didn't bring out any other emotion in me.

I turned off the truck and roughly grabbed at the CD player. It took a lot of pulling and force, and I only barely noticed the blood coming from my fingertips.

I stormed out of the truck. I held up the CD player and threw it to the ground and stomped on it with my boots. I had meant to only do it once or twice but my emotional dam was now broken and flowing freely. I jumped on it like it was a trampoline as the tears poured down my face.

Eventually there was nothing left to stomp on as it was completely imbedded in the frozen ground.

"Just do it already!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"I can't take it anymore!"

All the emotions ran though me and I could no longer hold myself up. I dropped to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably into my hands.

"Please" I whispered in between sobs.

"Just do whatever it is you came to do. I give up"


	5. Change of Heart

**A/N – Major thanks to everyone who wrote a review, story alerted, fav story, fav author and read this story. I went away for the weekend right after I posted the last chapter and was shocked when I came back to all those e-mails.**

**As always enjoy this chapter (and leave feedback :-)**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 4 – Choosing Battles

_All the emotions ran though me and I could no longer hold myself up. I dropped to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably into my hands. _

"_Please" I whispered in between sobs._

"_Just do whatever it is you came to do. I give up"_

* * *

Somehow I had managed to pull myself together to get back in the truck and drive myself home. I didn't even bother to take off my boots and I fell on top of my bed, allowing my emotions to boil over again. I quickly glanced at the clock. It was only 11:00am. I had lots of time. I knew he must have seen me, I only hoped he would take enough pity on me and Charlie to get it done before he got home later tonight. That was my last thought as exhaustion took over.

I awoke with a start. How had I allowed myself to fall asleep? I quickly glanced over at my alarm, it was 2:00pm. I could feel another round of tears making there way up when I suddenly felt like I was being watched.

I jumped up and saw the figure sitting in my rocking chair.

Alice sat there wide-eyed, with a mix of concern and questioning on her face. I only briefly allowed my mind to consider why she would look that way.

I started shaking my head as I got off the bed. No, she couldn't be a part of this. She was supposed to be my best friend. I always knew she must have known, must have had a part in it. But I was hoping it would end without me getting confirmation on that.

"Bella" she said softly.

I started to back away. My mind raced as to where I could go. The answer was really quite simple: nowhere

"Bella?" she asked again, sadness seemed to take over her voice. She got out of the chair and stepped towards me.

I again took another step back. I took some solace in her voice. Whatever was about to happen, she wasn't happy about it. She must not have had a choice in the matter. Maybe she was still a friend.

She again took another step towards me, this time raising her arms out to me. My foot hit the wall, and I knew this was it. Officially my fight was over.

I leaned my back against the wall and slid down, wrapping my arms around my legs and hiding my head.

"Just make it quick" I whispered through my knees as I rocked back and forth.

There was no answer and no other sound. If it weren't for my own panting and crying I may have thought it was already over.

After a silence that was torturous I finally heard her say in a desperate voice I had never heard from her before, "Make what quick?"

It almost sounded as if she would be crying if she could.

I looked up slowly and saw her sitting on her legs only a few feet from me. I could do nothing but stare at her.

"Bella what's happened?"

I just continued to stare as her, without blinking. My mind was so filled with confusion, fear, anger and everything else it couldn't even form thoughts. I couldn't think of any reason why she'd be here like this, why she would extend this out.

"Bella?" again she asked in that desperate voice.

She started to reach out to me and my body immediately began to shake, I closed my eyes as tight as I could. I felt her cold fingers on my hand and I automatically recoiled. But with my immense shaking I didn't get very far before I felt both her hands around my own.

When I opened my eyes she was right in front of me, trying to steady my shaking hands.

Her eyes looked so sad. My heart was screaming to just hug her, but my head wouldn't let me. What was the reason for her being here?

"What happened to you? Why are you covered in blood?"

I looked at her with even more confusion. I had no idea what she was talking about. I wondered if it had already happened. Maybe I was just in shock… she interrupted my thoughts.

"Oh my" she said as she opened her hands revealing mine. That's when I saw the dried up blood encrusted on my fingertips. I hadn't realized I had hurt myself that bad, both my palms were tinted red.

She then encased my hands again in hers. It was as if she was trying to protect me from the sight of my own blood, but my fears were concentrating on much more deeper things.

She was about to say something but I interrupted her.

"Why are you here?" I whispered, my fear easily displayed.

"I saw a vision of you at our house. Screaming how you couldn't take it anymore and to just get it over with. It scared me to death" The last part almost sounded like humor.

I looked her right in the eyes. Was it possible? Was she still my friend and not part of this frightening scheme I had no control over.

"You're my friend?" I said with my voice trembling.

"Yes... I know you may question that with me leaving, but I am. I always have been and always will be" she said as she squeezed my hands. I didn't have time to think about the second part of her answer.

"You promised you would never lie to me"

"I did… _I won't_" she said firmly.

"You are not part of it?" my voice was mixed with fear and hope.

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"You're not part of it?" this time my voice was only filled with hope.

"No. I don't know what's happening here, but I am not a part of it"

Hope filled my entire being. I had to believe her, she had never lied to me. If she was on my side there was some hope she could make it stop. I quickly jumped my body forward wrapping my arms around her neck and burying my face in her petite shoulder.

"I'm so glad you're here!"

She stroked my hair, "I never should have left you. I knew better. It was his choice, not mine, and I should have stayed. I should have kept an eye on you, I should have never listened to him"

I pulled my face away from her shoulder to look her in the eyes.

"He told you not to look into my future?"

"I'm so sorry Bella. I knew it was stupid. The only reason I saw this one was because you were at our house. It was you and our house, two familiar things that I just couldn't block out when they were together." She spoke quickly.

"He told you…" my voice trailed off. Another piece of the puzzle. Alice was telling the truth because she wasn't looking into my future. She didn't see me breaking down into a million pieces. But there was still something missing here.

"How come you didn't see him then?"

"What?"

"Edward" I spat out the name, "You said you weren't looking into my future, but why didn't you see his?"

"Is this about the night we left?" she asked softly

"No!" I spat out. It was amazing how that dark night that had ruined me for months had turned into something so insignificant. "These past few weeks. Why didn't you see his future?"

"I don't understand"

"Why?!" I asked angrily.

"He asked me not to, but I don't see how that's relevant to you right now. He's somewhere in South America"

I couldn't help it, my fear and anger reached some limit and I could do nothing but laugh. It was all so simple. He told his family he was in South America. Asked Alice to not look into either of our futures, and was free to what he wished with none of his family being the wiser.

"Why are you laughing?"

I'm sure Alice was questioning my sanity, not that I could blame her. I had run a gauntlet of emotions in her presence from fear and sadness to anger and now to hysterics.

"Relief" I said with I sigh. "I always wanted to believe you had nothing to do with it. It's nice to know I was right"

"Tell me everything" she said as she helped me up and sat with me on the bed.

I debated telling her about my depression when they first left. But it was too coincidental that this all started when I snapped out of it.

I described what he told me that night. How he no longer loved me, how it would be as if he never existed, how he was tired of pretending.

I skimmed quickly past me trying to find him in the forest, eventually being found curled up on the wet ground.

She tried not to show emotion but I could see the anger. I wondered what lies he had told them all, the reason he told me seemed to make Alice react.

I kept going, knowing I couldn't stop or the emotions may take over. She held on to my hand tightly, and every few minutes I'd be sure to tell her it wasn't her fault.

I couldn't imagine how she must be feeling. Hearing all these horrible things, knowing if she had not listened to him she could have stopped everything so much sooner.

I told her about my months of depression, and how Mike and Angela had become my ties to the living world.

That's when I started telling her about the weird occurrences, the feeling of being watched. I explained the incident at the vending machine back in Seattle, and the feeling of being watched in the school parking lot. I made sure she understood that during that whole time I hadn't figured anything out. How me and Angela had tried to give them logical reasons.

Then I got to the real stuff. The shadow in my room that woke me every single night. How the missing airline tickets replaced a bookmark in my book. Then I got to the last 24 hours.

"I started to realize there was only one person capable of doing this. I told myself I couldn't let myself go back into that depression. That I had to fight it. But it was like he knew, and he stepped it up. The shadow came again, but I totally ignored it. That's when…he touched my face."

Alice's eyes were wide with shock.

"I still didn't react. I couldn't, I couldn't let it get me, I couldn't let anything happen while Angela was here. The next morning I went to look at the photo album and well…" I figured it was best just to show her, I had already told her how everything was taken the night he left.

"These are the pictures?" she asked rhetorically.

I let out a deep breath.

"That was my breaking point this morning. Made me physically ill enough to be sent home from school. This is where we get to what you saw. After getting myself back together I started the car, and that's when….when…his CD was playing…in the CD player I threw out last week. I just lost it, I couldn't take it anymore. I drove to your house as fast as I could and ripped it out of the dash…which…" I lifted up my hands giving her the answer to my injuries.

"I destroyed the stereo and CD in front of your house and just started screaming and crying all those things… I'm sorry Alice, I'm just not strong enough. I couldn't take it anymore"

"Shhh' she whispered. "I should have been watching" she berated herself. "You need to get yourself healthy. You're drained mentally and physically. Go take a shower and clean yourself up, then we should wrap those fingers up. I'll figure something out, but for now you need sleep. I'll stay here and keep watch"

I hugged her again for a long time. I didn't care if this was a trick anymore, if the trick was giving me hope that was all I needed.

When I got into the bathroom I saw why Alice had been so panic stricken the moment she saw me. I was a complete mess. With all my crying I had smeared my bloody fingertips all over my face, making it look like I was in a horror movie. My skin looked pasty and I had dark circles under my eyes.

Although I hadn't felt the pain earlier, as the water washed down on my fingers they started to sting. Using soap or shampoo was out of the question, so for now I settled on the hot water refreshing and washing my skin.

Afterwards Alice expertly wrapped each finger with a band aid and antiseptic.

She was right, I was drained. My eyes started to drop as she finished up, and the next thing I knew she was tucking me into my bed.

--+--

A awoke a few hours later with Charlie feeling my head.

"Are you okay Bella?" he asked with deep concern

"Yeah Dad. It's just a really bad headache"

He kissed me on the forehead and left the room. As soon as the door closed my eyes darted to the rocking chair. That's when I heard the noise coming from the closet and Alice walked out giving a nod as she went back into her position in the chair.

--+--

I awoke again with familiar panic. My eyes shot open as I looked in the corner and saw the shadow in the rocking chair.

In an instant the light was on and Alice was beside me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just had a little panic attack. Forgot you were here"

"The others are on there way here. Tomorrow we will figure everything out"

"Others?" I asked with some concern

"Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie." She said quickly understanding my question.

"Go back to sleep, your body needs it" she said as she lighting stroked my cheek.

As my head started to drift off more questions entered it. It seemed the more pieces I discovered and found out the more confusing the puzzle became. I knew the What, the How, the Who and the When. Now I was missing the largest piece, the Why?

--+--

I felt the cool arms around my body. It was all so familiar and so right. I grabbed his arms with my own and smiled.

I knew it was a dream, but it had been so long since I hadn't had a nightmare. I wanted this dream, I needed this dream.

I felt his cold breath on my neck and could feel the familiar giddiness inside me.

"I missed you" I sighed.

Suddenly the light was on and his perfect angelic face was now only inches above my own. He had a huge smile on his face as his gorgeous topaz eyes bore into my own.

"I was only gone for a day" he said in his perfect voice.

"It felt like a lot longer…believe me" I said as I caressed his face and hair.

I didn't want this to ever end. It felt so freeing to let my heart take over here in my dreams. Somewhere deep in my subconscious I could hear my head trying to reason with me. This was only a dream, and would only cause me more pain. I didn't care, I wanted to enjoy this for as long as I could.

I traced every inch of his face with my fingers, re-memorizing the perfection of his marble features. His cold breath kept hitting my face and I absorbed it all, relishing the familiar euphoria it gave me.

I couldn't hold back any longer as I locked my fingers in his hair and pulled his face into mine. The kiss was mind-blowing, and I never wanted it to stop. I didn't care though, I even knew in this dream Edward would soon break free of my kiss saying how we had risked my life enough for one night. As much as I was enjoying the kiss, I looked forward to him saying those words. Hearing him speak the words I used to hate every time, but now would kill to have him say to me again.

"Bella" he breathed

'Yes' I thought. I felt him pull away, and as much as I hated that it was over I couldn't wait to hear him continue speaking.

"Bella" he said again softly.

I opened my eyes anxious to see his beautiful eyes again. But something was wrong. Everything had changed. I was no longer lying on my bed with him on top of me.

I was standing up, in the wet forest, and his eyes looked cold and distant.

I started shaking my head at him. I didn't want to relive this, I couldn't bare it.

"I'm no good for you, Bella"

I knew this is where I spoke, but I couldn't. I refused to play my part. I didn't want to do this again. Maybe if I said nothing it would all just freeze.

But it didn't, he continued on.

"My world is not for you," he said grimly.

My eyes stared to well up, I couldn't stop this. My heart was breaking all over again as I felt the familiar hole in my chest rip wide open again. I begged to wake up, but it wasn't working.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me"

"You… don't…want me?" I said though the tears. No, this couldn't be happening again. I didn't want reality, I wanted the fantasy. I wanted to be back in my bedroom, where my heart sang and his eyes were warm.

"No"

"Don't," I cried "Don't do this again please. I can't do this again" I begged him.

"You're not good for me, Bella"

I broke down completely then, closing my eyes. I couldn't relive this over again. I couldn't hear him say goodbye, I couldn't hear him make his empty promise on how it would be like he never existed. No, that had been a horrible lie. He didn't erase himself, he erased me. It was if I had never existed.

I opened my eyes, just hoping to get it over with, knowing I wouldn't wake up until he said it.

But to my surprise I was no longer in the forest. I was in my truck in the school parking lot. I looked out into the forest and saw a blur. I never saw that in real life?

Before I had time to try and comprehend any meaning I was somewhere new. In the backseat of Mike's car. I could hear him talking to Angela in the front seat but couldn't make it out, I recognized this scene though. We were just leaving Forks on our way to the concert. I looked out the window into the woods and again saw a blur rush past the trees.

A blinding light overtook my vision.

I was in front of the vending machine 2 cokes in my hand. I heard the mystery person behind me make a sound. This time I didn't continue pushing in quarters, I quickly turned around. Edward was staring right back at me, utter shock in his eyes. Before I could think of anything he ran in a blur of blinding speed away from me

Another flash

I was back in my dark room. I scanned it and saw the shadow in the corner. I quickly reached for the light and there was Edward standing in the corner. I sat up in the bed as he glided effortlessly to me.

His eyes were cold and his features locked.

"It's time" he said sternly.

And I screamed at the top of lungs.

--+--

I was then out of the dream, back in my room with the sunlight pouring into the window. I sat up, anger coursing through my veins. I grabbed the first thing I could…my alarm clock…and threw it with all force I had at the mirror on the other side of my room.

My anger easily gave me the strength as the clock's plug easily ripped out of its socket. It hit the mirror with a loud bang, and I watched as the mirror shattered into a million pieces. It sounded like hard rain as they all came crashing to floor.

Within an instant Alice was running into the room.

"Are you okay?"

"Why? Why is he doing this? Why Alice?" I said on the verge of screaming.

"I don't know" she said solemnly.

We stared at each other for quite some time in silence. My anger slowly began to subside, but never actually went away. I realized the anger would probably never go away now. I felt it everywhere in my being. I was no longer going to be weak and pathetic, I was going to be mad.

"You should get dressed. Charlie's gone to work, and the others will be here soon"

I got up swiftly from the bed, my face hard as stone. She looked back before she closed the door and I knew she could see the change.

I was not weak, I was furious.


	6. Off Course

**A/N – Again thanks so much to EVERYONE. I've been on a writing spree and just finished chapter 9!**

**I'm so glad you're all enjoying my story and my interpretation of Bella. I'm really enjoying going a bit deeper into her head. I really wanted to give her some more dimensions and allow all of her feelings and emotions to be shown. I'm even more excited your all enjoying the mystery (especially since no one has managed to figure it out yet -evil laughs-)**

**With this chapter I also bring in another POV. I had intended to keep this story strictly in Bella's but it became necessary to offer another side. But I think it works with the story as if anything it deepens the mystery.**

**Feedback always welcome :-)**

**stressedasalways**

**P.S. I have to give a shout-out to my current music inspiration. Secondhand Serenade's - A Twist In My Story. It's an awesome CD. Been looping it the whole time I've been writing.**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 5 – Change of Heart

_I got up swiftly from the bed, my face hard as stone. She looked back before she closed the door and I knew she could see the change._

_I was not weak, I was furious._

* * *

I quickly found clothes and went to the bathroom to clean up. A shower was futile, as my fingers were still sore. I stared at my reflection in the mirror running my hand through my hair. I was sick of looking the same and made a mental note to call Angela later and take me to that hair salon she went to.

I walked down the stairs and saw Alice pacing back and forth in my living room.

"So what's the plan?" I asked

"They're all at the house"

"Okay, well let's go then"

"Bella" she said as she grabbed my arm

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I laughed a little.

She gave a weird look, waiting to see the tell that I was lying. She wouldn't find it though. I wasn't lying, I _was_ fine.

--+--

Again I was at the house, parking my truck in front of it. From the outside it still looked deserted, but it did feel different. I was no longer afraid of it.

As I walked into the house with Alice everyone stood up to greet me.

"Bella" Carlisle nodded

"My dear how are you?" Esme said with great concern

"I'm fine"

Emmett then came up to me and gave me a hug. While in his tight grip he said, "So Bella, still getting yourself into trouble it seems"

I looked around the room as everyone shot daggers at him with their eyes.

I couldn't help but laugh, "So it seems"

It was easy to tell by the looks of all of them they were expecting the broken shell I had been last night to greet them today.

As Emmett laughed at my comment and released me from his huge hug I caught Rosalie's eye from behind him. She gave me a slight nod. Obviously no improvements in her feelings towards me since I last saw her, but it wasn't worse either.

That's when I saw Jasper in the far back corner of the room. Besides Alice he was the one I most wanted to see. I felt so bad for whatever he must have felt since he last saw me.

As I started to walk towards him I cold see him begin to step back. So I stopped where I was and just decided from across the room would have to do.

"Jasper. I accept"

"Excuse me?" he said questionably looking around to everyone else in the room.

"I'm accepting your apology. I've felt horrible that I never got the chance to tell you that. I was never angry or upset with you. Had I had known that was the last time I would see you I would have made sure you knew that night. But I knew you were upset about your lapse, and I figured I would see you in a few days, so for keeping you waiting I'm sorry." I said with complete sincerity.

He looked at me with a miffed expression. I knew he wanted to say something more, but I didn't give him the opportunity.

"Shall we get started?" I asked the room of silently stunned vampires.

The living room, now void of all electronic equipment still had couches. As I sat I wondered if they had been here all along or if one of them got them from somewhere for my arrival.

They were all talking quite fast, but luckily for me I was the most well informed in the situation. Alice was once again recapping my story for them so no new information was being said.

I heard them talk about if Alice could see anything. She mentioned how she only saw darkness, but that matched the story Edward had told them they few times they had spoke. He had told them all he was in South America, not talking to anyone, apparently holed up in some basement.

Carlisle asked if anyone had any luck getting in touch with him anytime recently. They all shook their heads. Rosalie was the only one who actually answered.

"I got him on the phone about three weeks ago. I was bored and called him repeatedly for a day and he finally answered. He was much the same as all the other times. Depressed and still pining for her" she looked in my direction her face showing disgust.

"What are you talking about?" I blurted out.

I looked around the room and no one wanted to answer.

"Alice?" I asked

She sighed and sat down beside me.

"Bella… We didn't leave because he stopped loving you"

I was about to protest, when she put her hand up and continued.

"He felt that he was a danger to you. You are so fragile compared to us, and there was just so many ways you could get hurt. If he touched you the wrong way you could die! Plus he was concerned about the outside dangers, like what happened with James last year. Believe me he still loves you…"

I couldn't listen to this anymore. I jumped up from the couch almost positive steam was coming out of my ears.

"No!" I screamed, "He left me. He told me he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't want me anymore."

No one said a word, they all just stared at me with blank expressions.

That's when I stared to give quotes he had told me. I changed the infliction in my voice to make the point clear these were exact quotes.

"I'll always love you…in a way…I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not…I've let this go on for much too long…"

"Bella" Carlisle said calmly trying to get me to stop as I paced angrily across the room.

"No!" I screamed again. "He left me in that forest! I followed him, and you all know he _had_ to have known."

They all looked towards the floor.

"And I was lost, and frightened and alone… And he left me out there!" my anger was coming out full force.

I suddenly felt a wave of calm come over me, but my anger was no match for it.

"Jasper don't you dare! I have every right to be angry and to feel this way, don't you dare try to shut me up" I whispered, the anger still managing to break through.

He looked at me and nodded as I felt my anger return.

I calmed my voice down deciding I needed to give one more quote.

"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interferences from me. It will be as if I never existed"

None of them knew what to say.

"Is this my life with no interferences? I was a wreck for months! Charlie was so freaked out he and Renée honestly considered having me committed"

I saw the shock on all there faces.

Esme started to come towards me to comfort me, "Dear, we had no idea. If we had thought anything like that would have happened…"

She hugged me but I didn't return it.

"You'd what? Force him to continue to pretend?"

She let go and looked at me with such sorrow in her eyes. She had such sweet eyes they almost made me feel bad for attacking her son. But my words were the truth and I needed them all to know.

"It took me months to wake up and start to move on with my life"

And with that I sighed and grabbed my jacket and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Emmett asked.

"I'm going out with my friends"

"It's not safe"

"Well you all seem to think that Edward is still in _love _with me, even though he's already hurt me. According to all of you, he's just not capable of what I've experienced so what's the point in staying here? Apparently this is all in my head, right back to when he told me he didn't love me. So I'll be safe where ever I am" I said matter-of-factly, void of any emotion.

I walked out the door and hopped in my truck and began my drive to Angela's.

--+--

**ALICE'S POV**

"She's so angry" Esme whispered softly as Carlisle grabbed hold of her hand.

"Where is she going Alice?" Carlisle asked.

I closed my eyes and concentrated. The first images were quite clear, she was on her way to meet Angela, and then it looked like…

"She's going to see Angela. Then is looks like she's going to a hair salon" I said slightly shocked. "I don't understand, she was so distraught yesterday. Completely broken and today she just seemed so angry, and just over it. Jasper what were you getting off of her?" I asked.

"It was odd. When she first got here she wasn't putting off anything, like she was…empty. Then when Rose mentioned Edward being in pain and still loving her all that came off her was anger. Wave after wave of anger" Jasper said concern in his voice.

"Can you really blame her?" Rosalie scoffed. "He _left_ her. First he says those horrible things to her, and then he left her alone in the woods. She's right, he knew she was following him as he went deeper into the woods, and he still left her there"

"Rose" Emmett said as he placed his hand on her shoulder trying to calm her down.

"No Emmett. I never agreed with his whole relationship with the human, but what he did to her was just _cruel_. And then to take her memories…"

"Rosalie, I think we are all in agreement Edward did not handle the situation in the best way, and we will have our chance to let our feelings known. " Esme said calmly. "But we have a bigger concern at hand, _who_ is doing this to her?"

"I know there's no way Edward is responsible for this. But who would go after Bella by using her relationship with him?" Carlisle wondered out loud.

"Alice…You were in her room did you pick up any scents?" Jasper asked me.

"It was odd. The only scent I was picking up was Edward's. But it was stale. And it's been months, there's no way his scent should still be there. But if he was the one doing this it would be fresh. It all makes no sense."

"Okay, we all need to try and get a hold of Edward. We have all never tried to contact him at once, so hopefully he will realize it must be important. He doesn't need details, just get him here. In the meantime we need to keep an eye on Bella while we figure out who is doing this" Carlisle told us all.

"We'll take the first shift" Jasper said as he grabbed my hand.

--+--

**BELLA'S POV**

"I can't believe you chopped off your hair" Angela said while giggling.

I sat in the salon chair running my hands through my now shoulder length hair. For once I was happy my reputation had preceded me. Neither Mike nor Angela made any notice of my bandaged fingers.

I had debated chopping it off completely, but I was too attached to it. I almost even considered dying it all some new color, but as much I'd love the shock it would cause I knew I would probably end up hating it.

I glanced out the salon window briefly making eye contact with Alice and Jasper sitting in a car across the street. They seemed to be the opposite of inconspicuous but Angela hadn't seemed to notice.

"So, guess we should go pick up Mike?" I said as we left the salon.

When I had arrived at Angela's this morning and let her know of my desire to change my hair she was quick to make a day of it. Within a matter of minutes we were picking up Mike and headed to Port Angeles. I choose not to torture him in waiting for us while I got my hair done and told him we'd meet him down at the arcade when we were finished.

I purposely made no eye contact with Alice and Jasper as we walked outside. To my surprise Mike was walking towards us.

"Sorry got bored, was coming to check on your status." He said.

"Well?" I questioned.

"Your hair looks amazing Bella, it's a good look on you."

I did a little turn to give him the full show.

"Well shall we head to the movies then?" he asked.

Me and Angela nodded as we walked down the street to the cinema.

--+--

We let Mike pick and we were seeing some sort of frat humor movie. I tried to pay attention but it wasn't really my thing. Also it was hard to concentrate when I could feel Alice's eyes practically burning into the back of my skull.

I knew she must have been upset about my outburst and walking out on them, but I really didn't see the point. They obviously didn't believe me, and just believed I was going crazy.

At one point I decided to quickly glance back and I saw them both at the back of the theatre, baseball caps trying to hide their faces. If anything it made them look more suspicious. But I guess they were only trying to hide from Mike and Angela while making sure I always knew they were there.

When the movie ended I was quick to get out of the theatre and give them a slightly dirty look as I walked by.

As we drove home I debated about telling Angela and Mike that the Cullen's were back in town. I wasn't sure how long they would be able to hide their presence in Forks, especially since they felt the need to follow me everywhere I went. Try as I might I couldn't think of a good enough reason for me to know that they were back, or a reason for me not to be freaking out about it, and decided it would be better to play the surprised card whenever it was found out.

--+--

"Thanks for a great day guys" I said to them both in front of Angela's house as I got ready to get into my truck and drive home.

Just as I was on the road something caught my eye in the passenger seat.

Alice.

"Ahh! Don't do that!"

"You left me no choice. Running off like that was not exactly a very good idea"

"Why is that? You can see the future, nothing happened."

'I'm just concerned, that's all"

"I really don't feel like having this conversation now." I sighed. Talking about my mental stability was not something I enjoyed talking about.

"You have really good friends." She sighed quietly.

"I do…But I wish you would have been a part of it." I said it partially to make her feel better, but just as much I said it because it was the truth.

Alice and I had become so close after what happened with James. She lived with me almost the entire summer helping take care of me. I missed having a true best friend. I loved Angela, but I had to hide so many things from her. I never had to do that with Alice, I could always just be me.

"Me too" she said sadly. 'I like your hair"

I smiled back at her.

Everything felt so off course. Alice had always pictured me and her as best friends…sisters. Yet here we sat with an awkward silence between us. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I wondered what small event had changed our fate. I knew that's how it worked. The 'butterfly effect'. It was never a large event that changed everything. It was the small barely noticeable events that in turn snowballed into a life changing occurrence.

I felt as if we were on parallel train tracks. I could see the life I was supposed to have, the life that I wanted. Yet here I was stuck on another track with no way to get over to it. The track I wanted to be on, that I longed to be on seemed so much simpler.

That life was a set course I couldn't have been happier to be on. I was in love…Love seemed like such the wrong word for it. I would have given anything for him, or to his family. They were my life. I knew exactly what would happen. Eventually I would be changed, and I would be able to be with him for eternity. I would become a Cullen and Alice and I would be the best of sisters. On that track eternity didn't even feel like a long of enough time for me and him to be together.

I missed the life I never got to have. Maybe that's why I felt so much anger now that they were all back. I knew they were only here to help me, but I also knew it was only temporary. As much as I loved Carlisle and Esme treating me like their daughter, and having a fun big brother in Emmett. It was all going to go away. This was no longer my life, and eventually they would leave and I would have to again say goodbye to this part of me.

I hated the track I was stuck on. Everything was so uncertain and unclear. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't imagine a happy ending for me. Eventually what was happening now would be over. How it would end I wasn't sure. Maybe it would end with this? As much as I didn't want to die it almost seemed like the easier choice. What would become of me after? I would go to college and try in vain to move my life forward. I would start some career and live my life day to day. I knew I would never find someone else. No one could compare to Edward, no one could compare to the love I felt for him.

I thought of my friends and family and even though I cared deeply for them, loved them, it in no way could compare. When my old life ended it took my soul with it. Yes, I could still feel, some days when I laugh I'm sure my friends think they were seeing the old me. But they never were, and never will.

I was sure that one day I would find a man who could be my best friend. Eventually he may even want to become more then that, but I would never allow it. I would never allow some innocent perfect man to spend their life with me, a half of a soul. I could never lie to someone like that, even if it could make me happy.

I kept glancing at Alice, wishing with all my heart that I was wrong. How was I ever going to live this life knowing I had the fairy tale within my grasp? The words they had told me at the house echoed in my mind. I wanted to believe their words, I wanted him to love me still. But I just couldn't believe them, no matter how hard I tried I knew they were wrong.

When we got to my house Alice quickly kissed me on the forehead and jumped out of the truck quickly disappearing from my sight.

I saw movement in the forest and smiled slightly at my protectors. I wondered who was keeping watch?

I exhaled and decided I needed to try and keep my anger in check around them. They were only trying to help me, and it wasn't their fault that I was no longer a part of their lives. I needed to enjoy this time with them as much as I could no matter how much it hurt. I wanted to remember everything, so I would always know the family and life I almost had.

--+--

I decided to make Charlie a real dinner tonight. It took me a few hours to get everything together, but I knew he would appreciate it.

At dinner he seemed relieved to see me up and about. I know my illness yesterday had been quite a scare. But I looked healthier and going out to Port Angeles with Mike and Angela earlier in the day seemed to put him at ease.

About half way though dinner he finally noticed my hair. I took no offence, Charlie had always been horrible at noticing things like that. He barely glanced at my fingers. If I wasn't in a cast he really didn't take much notice in my injuries anymore.

--+--

Before going to bed I decided I should send an e-mail to Renée. I told her about my new job and how I had gotten my hair done today. Even though so much had happened this week I realized there wasn't really all that much I could tell her. So I decided to scrap the e-mail all together.

"Well this is boring" I heard a gruff voice from the corner.

"Emmett! Way to scare me"

He laughed and saluted me, "I'm your personal guard for the night"

I rolled my eyes at him, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this will be the highlight of your night right here, I'm off to sleep now"

"Party pooper" he snickered.

I quickly got in bed and closed my eyes tight. It felt extremely awkward trying to fall asleep with Emmett here.

I was only used to having two people watch me sleep. Alice had done it during the summer when I recovered, and again last night. The other person…well I chose not to think about it. I was used to Alice, she tended not to watch me and do other things. But I could feel Emmett just watching my every move.

"Can't sleep with me watching you?" he laughed

"It's proving to be quite difficult"

"Okay, I'll keep watch outside then, I'll come back when you're passed out"

Before I could agree I felt I slight breeze and heard the window close. I quickly got myself comfortable and fell asleep with ease.


	7. First Sight

**A/N – Thank you, thank you, thank you! All your support has been tremendous. The amount of story alerts, reviews, fav story/author adds and hits (over 1000!) is just amazing! Thanks again to everyone who is reading. **

**stressedasalways**

* * *

Previously in Chapter 6 – Off Course

_I was only used to having two people watch me sleep. Alice had done it during the summer when I recovered, and again last night. The other person…well I chose not to think about it. I was used to Alice, she tended not to watch me and do other things. But I could feel Emmett just watching my every move._

"_Can't sleep with me watching you?" he laughed_

"_It's proving to be quite difficult"_

"_Okay, I'll keep watch outside then, I'll come back when you're passed out"_

_Before I could agree I felt I slight breeze and heard the window close. I quickly got myself comfortable and fell asleep with ease_

* * *

I awoke feeling quite refreshed. I began to stretch my arms when I heard a shuffle.

"Morning Emmett"

"Morning Bella"

"Status report?" I laughed.

"Charlie went out fishing just before the sun came up, nothing else to report"

I nodded and he was gone. I guess to give me my privacy. I still didn't trust him though, and took my clothes with me into the bathroom.

--+--

Today I decided to keep my promise to Charlie. I was going to cook him meals for the week so he could stop living off TV dinners.

Mike was coming over to keep me company. In all honesty I really didn't want Mike to come, if anything he would be a distraction while I tried to cook. But Angela was spending some much needed time with her family, and I just didn't feel like dealing with the Cullen's for any length of time. Mike was quite simply Cullen repellent, they would keep watch outside and would not come inside with him here.

Mike arrived shortly after I was dressed, and I got straight to work. As expected he wasn't much of a help. He sucked at measuring, chopping and even stirring seemed to be a disaster. Eventually just like I did in gym with him, he backed off and watched while I did all the work.

"Bella...I have something to tell you" he said with some concern in his voice.

I turned around to face him, immediately concerned as well.

"There's been some rumors…I haven't seen anything myself, but I don't see how it could be a lie. Some friends called me last night saying they saw some of the Cullen's in town." He looked at me waiting for my reaction.

Wow…That hadn't taken very long. Alice had only been in town for 36 hours, the rest barely 24. But I guess the Cullen's were not exactly the blend in type, they always stood out.

"Oh" I said with fake shock.

Mike stood up and wrapped his arms around me.

"I called around…and no ones seen…well no ones seen him. But I thought it was better you were prepared." He whispered in my ear.

I sighed and hugged him harder. The news of course was not news to me. But the caring and support that my friends had still surprised me. I could picture Mike hearing the rumor and immediately calling everyone to find out exact details.

Mike immediately changed the subject afterwards, going back to his normal goofy self doing everything in his power to make me laugh. The rest of the day flew by.

I walked Mike out to the porch and thanked him for all his help.

He hugged each other and he gave me a quick peck on the cheek before he walked down to his car.

Charlie ended up coming home later then expected. As the morning went on he said it was too cold to fish so he ended up spending the day at Billy's. I showed him his choice of meals for the week, and I had made sure I made some extras. He was extremely grateful.

--+--

When I got into my room that night Alice was there to greet me.

"No Emmett?"

"He found this particular task to be very boring"

"I figured as much" I laughed. "The people in town are talking already"

"Yeah, I heard."

"Have you figured out a story?"

"Christmas in only a few weeks away, Esme didn't want to have one without snow" she smiled, the lie so naturally flowing from her.

Ahh yes, that's right. Carlisle was supposed to be working in L.A. A simple, yet believable lie that they would miss the winter weather.

"We will be watching from a distance while you're at school. There's no reason for any of us to be there so we will be more discreet then we were this weekend."

"Of course" I yawned.

"Sleep well Bella"

--+--

Another Monday morning began just like all the other crappy Monday mornings. The sky was gray as usual, and a fresh dusting of snow covered the ground.

I arrived at school and could see Mike and Angela already waiting for me in the courtyard. I waved from the truck as I grabbed my knapsack and headed over to greet them.

I got to the centre of the lot when I heard a familiar, "Bella?" whispered behind me.

Butterflies were in my stomach. How had I not prepared myself for this moment? I turned around slowly, and there was Edward staring right back at me.

A million emotions and feelings flooded over me. I wanted to smile, to cry, to scream, I wanted to jump into his arms and breathe in his heavenly scent, I wanted to push him away, slap him across the face, even though I knew I'd only hurt myself in the process.

I thought about just turning and running away, or grabbing his hair in my hands and pressing his lips against my own. This was the moment, either way I looked at it, I had been waiting for since the day he left, and I was at a total loss on how to react. My mind continued to stutter when he spoke again.

"Bella are you okay?" his voice was soft and low with concern mixed in.

I quickly took the whole situation in. He looked almost dirty and unkempt. No one else would have noticed. I was so used to him looking like perfection, but his clothes were wrinkled and well worn. He hadn't fed in a while, but I had definitely seen him worse.

I then could see the crowd slowly forming around the two of us. This was a big event for the student body, the guilty party in their favorite real life soap opera had returned.

"How dare you even ask that?" Even though my mind was reeling, my anger was still in control.

I saw the student's eyes around me go wide, apparently they were expecting a water works show. They would be sorely disappointed. I refused to cry now, not in front of him.

He looked shocked and saddened by my answer. Before he had a chance to speak again Mike was slightly in front of me, putting himself between us. He reached back and grabbed my hand, and I held on tightly.

I did it in spite of him. He tried to keep his stone mask on, but I saw the small crack before he recovered. I didn't know if he loved me anymore, but I knew his jealousy would never go away. I was pleased I was right.

"I think you should leave" Mike sneered at Edward.

I felt Angela on my other side as she locked her arm into mine. I glanced at her and saw the evil stare she was sending Edward's way.

Edward just stared at Mike with complete anger in his eyes. I looked around panicked and could see faint white glows in the forest. Some of the Cullen's were here, but they weren't going to come out if they didn't have to. I needed to end this before it went any further.

"Leave Edward! Just…go…_home_!" I said trying my hardest not to have my voice crack.

He looked right at me again and I almost melted into a puddle right on the ground.

He gave me one more intense burning look before he turned around and broke through the crowd that had formed, walking away with a quick pace.

As soon as he was past the crowd Mike wrapped his arm around my waist while Angela remained locked on my arm as he helped me into the school.

My mind went blank, I could hear both him and Angela telling people to go away and leave me alone. I even heard the bell ring which made their fight easier.

They had brought me to the empty cafeteria and sat me down. I leaned my elbow on the table and rested my head in my hand. I could feel Mike sit beside me with his arm still around my waist. Angela was now sitting across from me holding my other hand tightly.

It felt like my body was ripping into two.

One half of me loathed him, despised him, wanted to hurt him. I could remember the painful words he had said in the forest, how he had left me. I remembered every terrifying thing he had done since then. He had destroyed me, and stolen me. I was no longer a whole person because of him. This side of me got joy out of making his perfect façade crack. On this side of me there was no remorse for the hate I felt.

The other half was a different me. It was the Bella that existed in the meadow with him. The Bella who was on the same track as him and his family. I loved him unendingly. This side of me would never hate him, no matter what he did to me. I remembered every kiss and hug and caress of my cheek. This side of me hoped he didn't think I was with Mike, that he knew I never moved on because there was no one to move on to. I longed to hold him in my arms and beg him to never leave me again.

Tears began to fall down my cheeks. No matter how I tried I couldn't suppress either side of me. I couldn't hate him fully because I still loved him. But I couldn't love him freely because I despised him. I was stuck in a horrible limbo.

Through my thoughts I could hear Mike and Angela debating taking me home. I told them no, I wanted to stay here, I just needed some more time.

A whole eternity if I was ever going to try and figure this all out.

--+--

**ALICE'S POV**

Jasper and Emmett quickly grabbed him once he was close enough to the woods.

"What the hell are you doing," I hissed, "Carlisle told you to meet him at the house!"

He didn't even struggle beneath their grip. I could see he was still the broken man I had last seen months ago.

"I was told there was an emergency in Forks. That could only mean one thing…one person…I don't understand why you all called me to come here…She is alive…She is fine…She has another…" His voice cracked and he didn't finish that thought. "Did you think it would be amusing for me to see this? As if I'm not in enough pain?"

I decided not to bother to use my voice. It took too long.

"_No… You're seeing the story from the wrong side…She is not safe, she is not fine, and she has not found another"_

"I can see you know! Plus I can hear his thoughts" he said solemnly and broken.

"_She is not with him. Not in the slightest. He may want other things, but he is just her friend. He was just protecting her…But this is of no importance_…_Edward please listen to me, she is in grave danger, someone is after her and there using you to hurt her!"_

"Using me? Using me how?" I instantly had his full attention.

I closed my eyes and remembered my initial vision that brought me back to Forks. How I had found Bella broken in her room. I remembered her telling of what had happened, and again remembered her anger the next day at the house.

I opened my eyes and saw him starting to struggle in Jasper and Emmett's arms.

"No! No! I didn't do any of those things. I would never do that!" he screamed.

"Calm down Edward, we know that" Jasper said.

"Then why did you allow her to believe it?"

"We had nothing else to tell her. She is already hurt because of what happened, and it's just easier for her to believe there all connected."

"But they're not! I never wanted to hurt her!" Edward dropped to the ground burying his face in his hands.

"Edward, we never said we agreed with her. That's why she stormed out yesterday. But in her mind there can be no other explanation. And you can't blame her for coming to that conclusion. She's being tortured by memories of you. Whoever is doing this knows about us Edward, there using her to get to us. We need to stop this, because she cannot take much more" I begged him.

"You're here now. You can help. We need to get to Carlisle and discuss options" Emmett told him.

Edward was quickly on his feet, determination in his eyes as we all ran full speed to our old home.

"_I really missed you"_

"Me too" he whispered as we continued to run.

--+--

When we got to the house the rest of them were awaiting our arrival.

Esme was the first to reach Edward. She placed her hands on either side of his solemn face and stared into his eyes, not saying a word out loud.

Edward looked to the floor, "I'm sorry Mum"

Esme continued to hold onto Edward continuing her silent conversation about how much she missed him I was sure. Carlisle placed his hand on Edward's shoulder, no doubt echoing Esme's thoughts.

When there conversation ended I saw Rosalie staring fiercely at Edward. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know the thoughts she was sending him. We all knew how she felt about the situation and as much as Esme may have begged her to not bring it up right away, I knew Rosalie was giving Edward a very large piece of her mind.

Just as I was about to look into the future to see where this confrontation may be headed, Rosalie scoffed off to the other room. She had said what she wanted, and Edward continued to stare ahead into nothing with overwhelming sadness in his eyes.

As we sat in the living room I was quick to sit beside him and grab hold of his hand. It pained me to see him like this. In the months he had been gone I found it unbearable to think of how he was feeling. I had kept my word and had never looked into his future, and for the first time I was glad I had listened.

Seeing Edward so broken and pained now, he looked worse then I had imagined. I remembered the night he told me of his plan. I tried so hard to talk him out of it. I knew Bella would have an unbearable time coping with him leaving. Even more so I knew how impossible it would be for him. We had all tried to tell him how love in our existence was so powerful, and that time would never make it go away.

He knew when he left that night he was condemning himself to an eternity of misery. I still didn't know how he could do it. I understood that he did it with Bella's safety and well-being in mind, but to actually go through with it seemed so impossible.

I couldn't imagine a world where I wasn't with my Jasper. And I could never in all my existence imagine willingly walking away from him. How Edward had done it I would never know.

I remembered the night he returned after telling Bella. The others had already left, but I waited for him with Jasper. I didn't want him to be alone when he came home for the last time. I had kept my word that night as well and had never looked into the future that whole day to see how he would tell her. Now that I had heard the story from Bella I wondered even more how he had done it.

I had assumed he would tell her the truth. Tell her he was leaving for her own safety. Yes, she would still be in pain and would still hate him for it, but Edward knew he couldn't do that. He wanted her to move on, even though it broke him to think that. He knew if he told the truth she would argue with him, and he may have failed in his mission. Even if he did pull it off, she would be left with hope.

It sounds like such a ridiculous thing, to leave someone with hope being a bad thing. But I understood now why Edward didn't want to do that. If Bella was given even the slightest hope he may return she would wait forever, never even trying to move on.

My poor brother. How it must have killed him all over again to look into her eyes and tell her those blatant lies. To see her break down, and with every part of himself wanting to comfort her and tell her it was all a horrible lie. But instead he had to walk away, knowing the pain he was leaving her in was his last memory of her.

After months I finally knew the whole story. Now I know why when he returned that night he had decided he would not be coming with the rest of us. He never wanted us to know what he had to do to protect her.

The rest of the family began discussing their plans, and what we had been doing since we arrived.

"Won't she be even more terrified now that she's seen me?" Edward said with such pain.

I knew the others were desperately trying to think of what to tell him. Luckily for them it was then I got a vision.

"She's going to come here to see you" I said firmly.

I could see in my vision two options Bella was deciding between. One option was to just go home after work and hope we knew to keep him away from her. The other choice was her driving here herself after work tonight. Although Bella had not made a firm decision between the two, I kept seeing the second vision more frequently. Plus I knew Bella, I knew she would eventually decide to come.

"Why?" he asked wondering how she could willingly come to the person she felt was trying to hurt her.

It amazed me how he could not see or understand how much Bella loved him. It took everything to not laugh at his question.

How inexperienced my dear brother was in love. Yes she was angry and upset. A part of her even truly believed that Edward was trying to torture her. But above all else, a large part of her loved him with all of her heart. How could he not understand that the love she felt was just as his love for her was?

As much as Bella was dreading seeing him, as much as she felt that he was causing her pain, her love for him was just as equally strong. Just like before when Bella was willing to die for Edward. She was still feeling the exact same way, even if it was Edward who could possibly be the cause.

I kept him blocked out of my thoughts and just replied simply, "Because she will."

I couldn't help but smile as I said it.

--+--

**BELLA'S POV**

By the time second period rolled around I had composed myself enough to go to class. By the look I got from the teacher it was obvious the entire school knew of Edward's return.

My mind raced thinking of seeing him that morning. He had looked so…wrong. No ones else would have ever noticed, on a bad day he still looked more put together then any one in the school. But something was just off…he looked so sad.

My heart immediately raced, unable to deal with the thought of him being in pain.

What was wrong with me? How could I be so afraid of him, yet so drawn in to comfort him all at the same time? I was the one who was hurting, I was the one left behind, he had no right.

By the time lunch came around the thought of sitting in the cafeteria with everyone's eyes on me was extremely unappealing. I let Angela know I was just going to eat in my truck away from the gossip.

I sat in the truck waiting. Without fail, a few seconds later I heard the passenger door open and saw Alice at my side.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

It was such a simple question, but I had no answer.

"I have no idea" I said with a sigh.

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you see me doing?"

"I see two different scenarios."

"And I'm an idiot if I do either one"

She looked at me waiting for further explanation.

"Neither one is the smart thing to do. The smart thing would be me running and screaming. To be terrified, to be in hysterics. The smart thing is not for me to go home pretending I didn't see him, waiting for him to make his next move… The smart thing is definitely not me going to go see him willingly, when I can't think of one thing to say to him…So either way I'm an idiot"

I sat my head back on the headrest with my eyes closed. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. It felt like my body and mind were on pause, waiting for me to decide what they were supposed to do. I had no natural instincts anymore.

Before I had even realized it, I heard the bell ring in the distance. Had I seriously been thinking this whole time without getting any closer to a decision?

Alice gave me a quick understanding smile as I left the truck and headed back to class.

--+--

With my head in such deep thought the rest of school went by in a blur. At least I still had a few hours of thinking at work. For the most part Mike left me alone. He understood why I'd be stuck in my head. Of course he'd never guess in a million years what I was actually debating doing in my head.

When work was over I sat in my truck still with no idea what I was going to do. Should I go home, or go to the Cullen's. Before I had even known what I was going to do, I saw that I was already pulling into their entryway.

Alice was standing there waiting for me as I got out of the truck.

"You had me guessing right until the very end" she said as she grabbed my hand and began leading me into the house.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Was I really about to go in and see him? I don't even remember deciding to do this.

Alice began pulling on my arm and before I knew it I was in the house, staring at Edward from across the living room.

Alice squeezed my hand before she disappeared. It was just me and him.

My mind began to race, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The silence continued for minutes and I could see the pain grow on his face.

I stepped forward automatically but stopped myself from going more then a step. Was I actually about to go comfort him because I saw the pain in his face?

Was that my natural reaction?

What if they had all been right? What if he did still love me?

But what about all that had happened these past few weeks? There were only two logical explanations. Either he was doing this to me or I was going insane.

How I longed to be crazy!

No. I had tried so hard to keep myself sane, how could I just be willing to throw it all away?

"Bella?" his heavenly voice broke through my thoughts.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. My name being said by him hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Bella please look at me"

I opened my eyes tentatively.

"I just want to explain…"

"No." I whispered, as I could feel the tears beginning to come.

I wasn't ready for this. I had made a hasty decision. My heart had longed to see him so much I forgot the reason I was actually here.

I was not ready to hear what he had to say. There were only two outcomes to this conversation. Either my worst fear was true and he really had been the cause of my mental anguish, or I had actually lost my mind. Both options meant Edward would never be mine again.

I wasn't ready to hear the truth. Before he could speak another word I ran out of the house and drove home.

--+--

**ALICE'S POV**

We all came down the stairs as we heard Bella leave.

Edward stood pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's time" he said..

_No! No Edward we have to able to do something else to help her!_

"There's nothing more we can do" he said sadly with a sigh.


	8. Shattered

**A/N -Wow! Again thank you all so much for your support. With the last chapter everything doubled!! Alerts, favs, reviews and hits. It's just crazy to me and I thank you all so much. I have a few notes this time so sorry for the longer message here.**

**This chapter is shorter then my past few ones, but as you will see I had to end it where I did. I hope you like this one, as it was one of the hardest for me to write.**

**Also, I've been good with posting about 2 chapters a week. Unfortunately I will have to ask you to be patient for the next chapter. I am almost finished it, but me and a friend just booked ourselves a last minute trip to Disneyworld (What can I say, I'm a huge kid at heart) So I have to get some stuff ready for that and then I'm gone for a week. So your going to have to wait a couple of weeks for the next update.**

**Enjoy!**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

_Previously in Chapter 7 – First Sight_

"It's time" he said blankly.

_No! No Edward we have to able to do something else to help her!_

"There's nothing more we can do"

* * *

When I raced through the front door Charlie was waiting for me.

"Bella are you alright?"

Of course. There were no secrets in Forks.

"I just need to be alone" I said as I ran up to my room.

I wasn't shocked to see that Alice nor anyone else was not in my room. She would give me my space tonight for which I was grateful.

--+--

For two days I went to school and then to work without talking to anybody. Not even Angela or Mike. There was nothing I could say. Alice and the others also continued to keep their space, I had yet to actually see any of them since I had seen Edward at the house.

I kept debating going back to the Cullen house. Had I made a huge mistake? I wanted to talk to him, I did. I just couldn't get over my own fears about what the result of that conversation would be.

But the silence started to become too much. I needed to talk to someone. That night when I went into my room and saw the empty rocking chair I knew I had to do something. I went and opened the window.

"Alice?" I whispered to the night air.

I waited…but there was no response.

"Anyone? Can someone get Alice?"

Again there was no response

"Please…will _anyone_ come. I just need to see someone…anyone"

I waited a long five minutes before I realized no one was coming.

I stayed up the whole night crying wondering why Alice was ignoring me.

--+--

As soon as Charlie left, I got cleaned up. I needed to find out what was going on. School be damned.

I drove as fast as my truck would let me. I was in such a panic I didn't even turn off the engine, I just got out and ran for the door. I knocked and the door just opened...Something's wrong.

I walked into the Cullen's house and found myself in an empty space. The couches were gone and all the other few things that were there before were all gone.

"Alice?" I screamed to the empty house.

"Edward?" my voice cracked.

"Anyone?"

No. This could not be happening. I ran through the entire house, opening door after door of emptiness. Each door I opened broke me a little bit more. I had never actually seen this house empty before. Why had I run away before? Had I missed my chance?

"Please, don't do this" I cried to the empty house.

I needed to get out of this house. I could feel the emptiness spreading into me and I needed to escape.

--+--

I soon found myself back in my room, rocking back and forth on my bed. Alice wouldn't do this to me. She wouldn't just leave me. None of them would do this. Even if I was hallucinating what happened, they would get me help they just wouldn't leave me.

Unless…

No…

I began to cry hysterically as another option entered my head. What if they never came back at all? If what was happening before could have been hallucinations what's to say that wasn't a big one too. What if they had never come back, what if Alice had never come to see if I was okay? It was all in my head. None of it was real.

More horrible realizations came into my head. How long had I been hallucinating? How far back was I seeing things that weren't real? What if none of it was real? I was friends with vampires. I was dating a vampire. All of these things were insane. I began to hyperventilate as the blackness covered me eyes. My last memory was falling back into my bed.

--+--

I groggily woke up at what felt like a long time later.

It was dark outside.

How long had I been passed out for? I tried hard to get my focus. I could see a glass of water on my nightstand. Charlie must have brought it for me. I listened carefully and could make out his snores from down the hall. It must be really late. Why hadn't he woken me up? He was probably still avoiding me. He had no idea how to help or comfort me. It was easier for him to hope it would all go away like the last time.

When I crawled out of my bed all my muscles felt like they were asleep. I almost stumbled right onto the floor but managed to steady myself. My vision seemed cloudy too, I kept rubbing my eyes but it didn't seem to be helping. Then I heard something. It was very faint. I stumbled to my window and opened it, listening as hard as I could.

"…Bella…" the wind whispered.

I knew that voice. But my brain was stuck in the same haze the rest of me was in. Why could I not picture whose voice that was.

"…Bella…" it whispered again.

I had to go out there and meet up with this person. If only my head would wake up. I tiptoed down the stairs making sure not to wake Charlie. I quickly threw on my boots and didn't even bother with a jacket as I slowly snuck out the door.

"…Bella…this way…" The voice beckoned me from the woods.

I followed the voice blindly, stumbling and holding on to trees as I pushed myself to where I had heard it.It kept beckoning me, and I continued to follow it.

My mind was racing trying to figure out why I couldn't remember who the voice belonged to. Why I was having trouble remembering anything actually. I couldn't remember what day of the week it was. I couldn't remember what I was doing before I fell asleep.

I continued to rub my eyes, my vision was still slightly blurred but starting to get better. Was I dreaming? I wasn't usually so confused in my dreams. That's when I started to feel the cold. I started to rub my arms with my hands trying to keep warm. I looked back and realized I couldn't see my house anymore. I had been walking for a long time.

"Where are y…you?" I called out with chattering teeth.

"Just a bit farther Bella" another voice called to me.

I knew this voice too. Why could I not remember? Something felt wrong. Why would I be so far away from the house? Although I still couldn't remember details something in my head clicked. This was not right, this was not safe. I needed to get away, I needed to get back to the house.

Run, my brain told me, and I did.

I turned around and ran as fast as my cold body would let me. But the little snow that was on the ground wasn't enough to show me the way I came. I had no idea where I was.

"Aww…Bella where do you think you're going?" The voice mocked me.

I turned in the opposite direction of the voice and continued to move forward as fast as I could but my whole body was freezing, and I felt I wasn't moving fast enough.

"Wrong way" the voice said so close it felt as if they were right beside me.

"Ahhhhh" I screamed and took off in another direction.

Before I knew what was happening I felt myself being slammed into something. I had trouble breathing. The slam had knocked the wind out of me and something was holding on to my neck. I opened my eyes in shock, gagging for air that I couldn't get to fill my lungs. As I panicked for breath, my eyes started to focus on the figure holding me against the tree.

Victoria.

Finally my lungs inflated with a much needed breath and I gasped in loudly. She held me tightly by my neck, not enough to block off my air completely, but enough that I struggled for each small breath.

"You were right. This was a lot of fun." I heard that other voice I had recognized come from just behind her. Then I recognized him….Laurent.

Victoria smiled at me evilly.

"Poor Bella, left all alone all over again. No one to save you this time" she laughed.

I could feel the tears working there way to my eyes.

"When you little boyfriend took away my James I made a vow to ruin him and you. But then your Edward actually came after me… Can you believe that?"

She tightened her grip on my neck and I let out a gurgle.

"He tracked me for almost a month before I finally lost him in South America. He was so determined, but lucky for me, and not so lucky for you, he is not a very good tracker."

"I then headed to Alaska to get Laurent here to help me. He was growing tired of trying to be a vegetarian as you and your weird coven called it." She laughed another sinister laugh.

"Me and him arrived in Forks expecting to have to plan an epic fight. Imagine our surprise when we found all the vampires had left…And had left you all alone."

"It was all just way too easy. You were such a pathetic human when we returned it was just all too simple. It would be no fun to kill you that way. So we waited, and you eventually became a really fun toy."

"Every time we had the chance we would mess with your mind, so pathetic you humans. It was too much fun. You were so sad your Edward had left you all alone."

"We would come into your room at night and hide in the shadows, making sure you saw us. That's when I found what ended up being the epitome of my plan. I found a loose floorboard with your vampires scent pouring out of it. Inside were the things you had told people he had taken from you."

"Don't you see? He left those items with you. He wanted you to know he still _loved _you" she said the last line mockingly.

The tears began to fall from my face. There we so many things going on I was trying with all my might to stay conscious. I was so cold, and was having a lot of trouble getting enough air. But I wasn't crazy and Edward did love me. At least I would die knowing that.

"Then your friends returned unexpectedly. I feared we had taken too much leisure with our time and our initial plan was ruined" Laurent said.

Victoria then smiled again and continued.

"They were keeping a close watch on you, and I thought this day would never come. Luckily they never suspected us. When we first arrived here our first stop had been their house. We had searched it thoroughly to be sure they were really gone. Everything inside was gone, but Laurent found that your Edward had left some of his clothes. At first I thought he silly to suggest it, but it ended up really helping us. He said we should wear his clothes when we went after you. It seemed so pointless at the time. Your human senses would never detect it. But then we listened to what they said when they came back and you were not around… They all thought you were crazy…They had come to protect you, but believed there was nothing to protect you from. They couldn't find any scents, only old scents of Edward's. They didn't want to stay and enable your crazy thoughts…So they left you all over again"

"No" I chocked out.

She stroked a tear that left my eyes and I noticed I couldn't even feel the coldness of her skin.

"Don't worry Bella. I promise to make it quick for you. I've had my fun. Your Edward thinks he drove you insane, and then he will be the cause of your death…Killing him would have been too quick…I'd rather leave him in pain for all of eternity"

I couldn't believe this was happening. How did I let this happen? My heart had been right all along, Edward wasn't a part of these past weeks. Why hadn't I done what I wanted when I saw him? I should have run into his arms, even if he would reject me. I should have experienced his scent one last time, took it all in. Maybe if I had he would have stayed, and this wouldn't be happening. Maybe a hug would have been enough for him to believe I wasn't crazy. Maybe they would have stayed and I wouldn't be here.

…I was so cold.

Even if he hadn't have stayed at least I would have that memory as I die. I needed a memory, I didn't want to die alone, cold and afraid.

It was like my dream all over again. I pictured him with me on my small bed. I inhaled through my nose imagining the cold winter air was his cold breath.

I looked back at Victoria with her fire red hair, matching her eyes. My tears were falling quickly now, and my face was in pain as they froze to my skin. My vision started to go dark as I fought the cold.

"A mate for a mate" she whispered.

I knew this was it. She had said her grand speech, and had now given the final line. I closed my eyes as tight as they would go. I prayed she would keep her word and make it quick.

Visions flashed before me at a quick pace. I pictured the last time I said goodbye to everyone, I hugged and kissed Charlie and Renée, I remember Angela hugging me and Mike giving me a kiss on the cheek. I remembered Alice giving me a kiss on the forehead in my truck, and Emmett giving me a bear hug the day he returned.

Be quick, please be quick.

I then pictured Edward in my room as I had a few moments before. But I was so cold I had trouble holding on to it.

No! I need this! I need this!

I could feel my body really start to tremble…From the cold or the fear I wasn't sure.

Please I begged my own mind.

Suddenly I wasn't in the forest anymore.

I was in our meadow.

He sat in front of me with his shirt open and his skin sparkling like diamonds. I was no longer cold and could feel the warmth as the sun hit my skin. I felt like I could breathe again, and I could no longer feel the pain in my muscles.

Yes this is where I wanted to be.

I slowly grabbed his hand and he opened his gorgeous topaz eyes and smiled my favorite crooked smile. I pulled him close to me and he instinctively wrapped himself around me. I sat in his lap with his whole body surrounding me….protecting me.

His skin didn't even feel cold on my own…It felt warm…And I pushed myself even closer to him making as much of me touch him as I possibly could. He started kissing me lightly on my neck.

I forgave him for everything. For leaving me 3 months ago, for thinking I was crazy and having to leave me again. I forgot it all. All that mattered was that he was going to be here with me now.

I didn't want to be afraid.

Soon he had worked his way to my face, and I titled my head towards him. I took in his amazing face again as he slowly leaned in and kissed me. This kiss was the perfect kiss. There we no boundaries here and he kissed me with the love and passion I always had wanted. This kiss ended beautifully and naturally, with him not having to pull away like he usually did.

I opened my eyes and smiled as he smiled back at me. I leaned back into his chest holding his arms as they once again were wrapped around me. The sun was extremely bright now and right in my eyes. I started to find it hard to keep them open against its harsh glow. I tried to fight it, but it was becoming too much.

"Don't be afraid" Edward whispered in my ear with his angelic voice.

But I couldn't hold back anymore. I broke down into tears.

I was afraid. I was so afraid.

He easily lifted me up and cradled me in his arms and rocked me back and forth. The whole time his face was serene.

"I'm so sorry Edward" I cried.

How could I have fallen for this trick? Edward had been with me only a few days ago, and I let him leave again. Now I was here, waiting for the end.

I was so scared.

"Shh"

He wiped the tears and kissed my face lightly over and over again He then lay on his back, pulling me onto his chest. I breathed in his scent as I pushed my face into him as I calmed myself down. He stroked my hair with one hand as his other ran circles on my back. Again the sun became intense and I struggled to keep my eyes open. They felt so heavy, and the light was so bright. He then slowly moved his fingers from my hair to my face, running them over my eyelids. Helping me to stop the fight and keep them closed.

I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I was warm and I wasn't alone.

"I love you" he whispered.

And suddenly I was no longer afraid.

I smiled against his chest as the brightness became darkness and everything slipped away.


	9. Broken

**A/N - I would like to thank speedmonkey and Serenity's Pain for allowing me to bounce some ideas off of them.**

**I would especially like to thank my new beta bookishqua. You are absolutely amazing! She helped me see my own story in a new light and her ideas, additions and corrections have helped make this chapter what it is. Thank you for helping me find Edward's voice :-)**

**I'm not sure when the next chapter will be ready but I will try to update my Profile to reflect where I am.**

**This is a long one for ya, so I hope you enjoy. As always leave feedback. (It makes me smile) And Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians.  
**

**stressedasalways**

* * *

_Previously in Chapter 8 - Shattered _

_Again the sun became intense and I struggled to keep my eyes open. They felt so heavy, and the light was so bright._

_He then slowly moved his fingers from my hair to my face, running them over my eyelids. Helping me to stop the fight and keep them closed._

_I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I was warm and I wasn't alone._

"_I love you" he whispered._

_And suddenly I was no longer afraid._

_I smiled against his chest as the brightness became darkness and everything slipped away._

* * *

"My eyelids felt heavy and I could not for the life of me seem to open them. I felt like I had been asleep forever. When awareness crept up on me, I could not believe how cold I felt and how much every part of my body hurt. The sounds around me were confusing. Knife like pains radiated from my chest every time I took a deep breath. Occasionally I heard someone whimpering. I couldn't help but feel sorry for that person. They sounded terrified. Oh. Wait. I think that was me. I could hear wheezing and I think that was the sound of me breathing. I heard the beeping of machines. I could hear feet moving near me. I knew voices were talking around me but I could not seem to concentrate on them enough to understand them. The smell around me reminded me of antiseptic, and it felt strangely familiar, like a hospital. The last thing I remember is being on Edward's chest and feeling so…….but now I was confused.

For one moment I thought I was in Phoenix – then I remembered that Phoenix happened last year. Although the pain of my body was agonizing, even more though, was the pain in my soul as my memories gradually returned to me. Bits and pieces of the hole in my heart exploded all over again as images of the past few months trickled slowly through my mind.

I could see Edward's face when he left me with his serene expression and cutting words. I remembered curling into a ball in the forest and thinking my world had just ended. I remembered sinking into my mind and staying there for what seemed like months protected from everything. In vivid flashes I remembered the terror, the tickets, the music, and the nightmares that actually came to life. I recalled the haunting image of Edward's face in the parking lot as I ordered him away. I remembered how just when I thought the pain couldn't get worse, discovering that Alice and the rest of the Cullen's had left me alone again showed me how wrong I was.

I remembered the regret that went through my mind after Edward left. How that cruel hope had lured me from the house. I remember my terror at realizing that I was in the forest faced by two snarling vampires and how my heart broke when I realized that no one was coming for me this time. The picture of Victoria and Laurent's malicious smiles as they chortled in glee over my quivering body kept flashing before my eyes. Were they here? Was I safe? I remembered that no one could save me because no one would believe me about Victoria and Laurent. They would think I was insane.

Every time I tried to move my body refused to listen to me, as if even lifting a finger was too much effort. But I could still feel pain all over every inch of my body. Just when the pain seemed too much my body would slowly begin to feel numb. Every time I tried to focus enough to ask for help to plea for my life I could hear the beeping in the machines speed up and the concerned voices would start up again. I kept trying to talk to them to beg them for help to tell them about Victoria and Laurent but I couldn't make them understand because I could not talk. I felt trapped in my body unable to move. I tried each time to open my eyes but I could not gather the strength. Finally it seemed too much and I quickly surrendered and let the darkness lure me away. The darkness felt safe. So I stayed there. Where no one could find me.

--+--

"Bella"

I heard the familiar voice of my father calling my name, but again I couldn't find a way to respond. Charlie sounded calm, I wonder if that meant I would recover? Or maybe he's accepted I'm going to die?

I tried again in vain to open my eyes. They fluttered quickly but that was all I could manage. Thankfully Charlie must have seen as he started to talk again. I tried as hard as I could to un-cloud my mind and concentrate on what he was saying.

"Bells…hear me?...found…hypothermia…banged up…fractured…"

Why couldn't I concentrate? His voice came in and out like someone was playing with the volume control in my head. Before I could attempt to try and fill in the empty spaces I drifted back to sleep.

--+--

I knew I was dreaming, but it was unlike any dream I had ever had. It was like I was watching a movie. I was there watching myself. It took me a second to figure out what was going on. I was following myself as I walked room to room in the Cullen house. It was completely empty. Memories started to flood back. They had abandoned me…again. They had left me by myself, had left me with Victoria and Laurent**. **

My whole self ached. The hole in my chest exploded open with such force I bit my own tongue to keep in the scream. How was I all alone again? This house was full; they were here to protect me. I dropped to my knees in the empty living room and sobbed uncontrollably.

How had they all thought I was crazy? Esme, Carlisle…Alice. I couldn't fathom how they could just leave me to die. I wasn't crazy, but even if they thought I was, how could they leave me alone?

Carlisle and Esme were like parents to me. I had always felt that connection to them from the very first time I had met them. I knew that we would never be a family as we had all hoped for last summer. But when I was here in this living room explaining my pain, they were family again. I had felt it. How could they leave me like this?

And Alice. Just thinking of her caused more pain to emanate from my chest. I had told her everything. She had seen me at one of my darkest moments. Out of everyone, how could she leave me? Even when I believed with every fiber of my being that Edward was the culprit, she never saw me as crazy. She saw how sure I was and even though she never wanted to believe Edward was doing it, she never doubted that these things were happening. She never once looked at me like I was out of my mind. She knew those things had really happened to me. The lurker in the shadows, the pictures, the car stereo, she knew. So why was I all alone?

As I wiped the tears from my eyes I saw shadows in the other room. Without even thinking I got to my feet and ran to the entryway. There were all the Cullen's looking like they were getting ready to leave. I let out a shocked gasp but none of them looked my way. I ran up to Alice but she just stared through me as if I wasn't there.

I called out to each of them but none of them even flinched. When I tried to touch any one of them they would move away with their perfect vampire grace. It was if I didn't even exist to them. I wasn't even worthy of a goodbye.

"Why?" I whispered out.

"Why what Bella?...Are you awake?"

I blinked at the familiar voice as the Cullen house disappeared and a bright white light overtook my vision. Slowly a figure was backlit. The owner of the voice…Angela.

My mind was a complete haze. I felt her squeeze my hand and the warmth of her touch and the sound of her kind voice brought me more out of my tiredness.

"You're going to be okay." She said with a small smile and squeezed my hand even more.

"Why….why can't I wake up?" I asked groggily.

"You're on some heavy duty painkillers through your IV. You were hurt pretty bad. You fractured some ribs, your left arm is broken and you have some bad bruises too. If you're tired you shouldn't fight it. You need your rest right now. You almost died."

Angela's voice sounded a tiny bit panicked, but overall she was her usual calm self. I tried hard to let the familiarity of that in. I was soon brought back to reality when I attempted to move. A spasm of pain shot across the left side of my body. As I attempted to recoil upward from the pain a deep throbbing echoed on my back.

I saw Angela's calm façade break as panic came across her face.

"Try not to move" her voice cracked.

I then saw the nurse appear quickly at my side and inject something into my IV.

"Don't fight the drugs dear. Your body needs its rest" she said with mustered sincerity as she patted my shoulder.

I wanted to fight it though. I had so many more questions; nothing made any sense to me. But before I could try and ask more the drugs once again took over as I crossed into another dream.

I was back in the forest. Before I could think I was once again being slammed into a tree by Victoria. I flinched at the memory of the pain. At least it answered how I got hurt.

She was right up against my entire body and I could feel the coldness of her everywhere. She looked at me with a small smirk as she pressed her face right into mine. Then with a wink her mouth headed to the side of my face. She slowly rubbed her face against my own and it reminded me of the way Edward used to do the same when he kissed me. A sickening feeling crept throughout my entire body. Victoria then began to growl.

This was it. I was done for.

"A mate for a mate" she whispered right into my ear.

It was all for nothing. I wasn't even Edward's mate anymore. Without even thinking I began to cry out.

"He doesn't love me. _He_ won't care. _They_ won't care"

Of course my new words changed nothing. I knew what was coming – immeasurable pain.

I needed to wake up. I didn't want to experience this again.

"Wake up, wake up" I said aloud. Hoping when I opened my eyes I would be back in my hospital room.

My mind raced through different thoughts and I could no longer tell what a dream was and what was real. I thought I had seen Mike and then Charlie and Angela again. But I could never seem to keep my eyes open long enough to find out if it was real. Another time I had seen the creeps from the bar when we had gone to see that show.

Just when I thought my hallucinations couldn't get any worse I awoke to find Victoria standing in the corner of my room. This must be a dream I told myself. I attempted to move but the familiar pain shook my body. Just as she went to lunge at me she disappeared into a cloud of smoke and I screamed as loud as I could.

The cloud slowly disappeared into a bright white light. Slowly shadows came forward and were all around me. I could hear a loud piercing scream surrounding me. It took a few seconds for me to understand the screaming was coming from me. I never knew my voice could get so loud. I tried to stop but my body continued to scream.

As my eyes tried to focus I could see I was in my hospital bed surrounded by nurses and doctors. I tried to look past them to see a familiar face. Charlie, Angela, Mike, anyone. But before I could try I felt the burn of more drugs entering my veins as my eyes closed.

--+--

As I opened my eyes I could see the beautiful light filling my vision. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air, as well as the absence of pain. I felt calm…relaxed…happy. When I tried to remember how I got here to meadow, I couldn't, but I didn't even care.

I sat barefoot next to the small creek and watched as the clear water slowly trickled by me. I couldn't help but place my toes in it. The sun felt amazing on my skin. The wildflowers were in bloom. Suddenly I felt the presence behind me. He still had that same amazing scent.

"Edward" I smiled.

--+--

**Edward's POV**

It took every ounce of my will-power to walk into that room. I had never desired something so much while feeling as equally appalled to actually see it. For days I and my family had kept a discreet vigil within the hospital walls. I waited and listened to everyone's thoughts that came to see Bella, trying to gather any extra information I could. My family also aided in every way they could to learn more about Bella's condition. That first day I wanted nothing more then to be by her side, but I knew it was not my place. Word slowly spread around town about Bella's injuries and it did not take long for the good citizens of Forks to notice the fact this happened within days of my family's return to town. Charlie and Billy had made those thoughts very clear.

Charlie loathed me. With an intensity that was frightening for such a quiet man of the law. I know I deserved his disgust. His thoughts about my family surprised me. He did not want any member of my family ever coming near his daughter again. This would kill Alice. I did not even want to think of how it would impact Esme and the others.

When he wasn't allowed to be with Bella, Charlie would spend his time envisioning different acts of violence against me if he saw me here. At last after many restless nights he along with Angela and Mike took tonight to return to their homes to get some sleep. I finally had my opportunity.

The vision before my eyes seemed even more horrible then I ever could have imagined. There was my Bella, my sweet innocent Bella broken in a hospital bed once again. I truly led a damned existence. Even when I tried my hardest, when I sacrificed everything to keep Bella safe and happy I failed regardless.

My family insisted we had luck on our side this time. I begged to differ. Severe hypothermia, fractured ribs, a broken arm and deep bruises were not my definition of lucky. Why had she gone into the woods in the middle of the night? I remembered how James had lured her to the dance studio by using her mother. What had Victoria used against Bella? What had they done to make her follow them like that? She was always too brave for her own good, acting without thinking that she could be physically hurt. Bella never appreciated how truly fragile she was compared to our strength. As much as that angered me, I was selfishly still happy she was still as I had remembered her.

It was then I saw her eyes flutter open briefly.

"Edward" she sighed with a tiny smile.

I froze for a fraction of a second before springing into the dark corner of the room. The doctors had dosed her with heavy painkillers. Given that high of a dose she should not be aware of my presence at her side. As I panicked I slowly saw her smile fade and heard a deep sigh. She was sleeping.

I waited a few moments before I slowly made my way to her. I grabbed the chart at the foot of her bed and quickly scanned the doctor's notes to assure myself she was receiving the best possible care. They had confirmed 5 fractured ribs and a comminuted fracture on her left humerus. There was nothing they could do for ribs other then try to keep her comfortable. They had her on oxygen to try and help her breathe. The fractured ribs, even with heavy painkillers, made it hard for her to take in full breaths. Her arm was in a cast but they were unsure if she may require surgery since there were so many breaks. My hand instinctively grasped the clipboard harder as I refrained my strength from snapping it in two. Surgery? The thought alone tore at my cold heart. They had finished treatment for her severe hypothermia. I let out a sigh of relief as I read the doctor believed there would be no further complications as a result of the hypothermia. The doctor also noted severe bruising along her ribs, arm and back. I flipped the page to check on her medications and obtained re-confirmation that Bella was on very heavy painkillers. There was a note from one doctor who was concerned Bella was in some state of psychological shock. A few times a day she would wake up screaming, and the only way to calm her was to heavily sedate her. The doctor made a request for a psychiatric evaluation once Bella regained full consciousness. I recoiled at the memories of her piercing screams I had endured while hiding in the shadows.

The screams had echoed throughout the entire hospital. Even without my vampire hearing I would have still heard them. It reminded me of her piercing screams as James' venom flowed through her veins. These screams were incomparable to the screams she gave now.

How cruel were the fates? I had left so her sweet voice would never have to scream in such fear again. Yet all my sacrifice had accomplished was intensifying that fear.

I quietly sat in the chair in front of her and took her in completely. How I missed watching her sleep. My mind recalled how we had arrived in this hellish situation.

--+--

When I saw her at the school it was like nothing else mattered. My soul soared and my existence had meaning again.

"Bella" I whispered her name tentatively. Unable to fathom that I was truly in front of Bella again. I felt like I was dreaming even though I knew that was no longer possible.

She turned around slowly before allowing me to see her beautiful eyes for the first time in months. Her eyes were difficult to read. But I wondered if that was due to me not being able to concentrate on them fully. Her skin no longer had the natural glow other girls would kill for. She had lost some weight too. She looked frail, and the dark circles under her eyes didn't help. I tried again to lock onto her eyes searching for my way in. Had I lost my touch on her? Would I ever have the ability to read her mind through her eyes?

She seemed torn. Like she was debating running away. She looked shocked…No it was stronger than that. She looked terrified…of me

"Bella are you okay?" I asked quickly. My family had called me here for a reason. I had feared the worst, but seeing her had taken away that worry. But still I was confused as to why I needed to be here.

The other students formed a circle around us, and I was trying my hardest to block their thoughts. That was when Bella's face went cold. I couldn't remember a time I had seen her so angry.

"How dare you even ask me that!"

Her words cut into me. Of course she was angry, she hated me. How could I have allowed myself to forget that? My mind flashed back to the woods. Her tear stricken face when I told her I did not want her anymore. How I had promised to stay away. Yet here I had returned once again proving me to be a liar in every way.

Before I could form a response Mike Newton and Angela Webber were at Bella's side. Anger coursed through me as I saw Bella grab for Mike's hand. I felt my face crack for a second before I recovered.

"I think you should leave!" Mike sneered at me.

"_Why would you come here? Haven't you hurt her enough? You're not needed anymore. She doesn't need you. I could kill you for what you did to her!_" Mike's thoughts screamed at me.

Then another familiar voice made its way through the clutter of all the others. Angela's.

"_Why would he come here? He really is a bastard! I should slap him! Bella would never have the heart to do it"_

I couldn't believe their thoughts. Why was I surprised by the pain I felt building up in my chest. This is what I wanted. I wanted her to move on and have a life. But with Newton? I wanted to pick him up and throw him across the parking lot. He was not the one who was supposed to take my place.

"Leave Edward! Just…go…_home_!" Bella spoke through clenched teeth.

I gave her one last look before I slowly turned away. For a second it seemed she looked at me like she used to, when she was mine. But I knew I was mistaken. I no longer had the right to call her that.

As I pushed my way through the parking lot and raced to the woods, I longed to be able to really run at my vampire speed. It took every ounce of my energy to concentrate on walking at a normal pace. Walking at a human's pace seemed to make my dawning realization more painful. My plan had worked exactly as I had intended. She had moved on, had a new love, new friends, and a real life. I just could not understand why knowing it had succeeded hurt a million times more then when I lied in the forest and left her calling my name.

**--+--**

Back at my house I was lost in thought. My family had filled me in on what had been happening to Bella. Mostly they showed me images of her. Her anger, her fear, her everything. The images tore at my cold heart. I headed into my empty room. My mind was racing. I refused to believe that Bella's mind had snapped. She was far too strong for that. Someone was the cause of this; I just had to think of whom.

I walked into the dusty bathroom after and was shocked by the creature I saw in the mirror's reflection. I looked down at my clothing and realized that despite having hunted prior to going to the school, I had disregarded decades of practice. My eyes were still dark; I hadn't fed nearly as much as I needed to.

I had become so caught up in my quest that I had neglected even the basics of trying to blend in with the humans around me. My clothing was filthy and torn. My appearance was disheveled. I had leaves in my hair and sticking to the legs of my pants. No wonder everyone looked so frightened in the parking lot. I realized with horror that my appearance had probably convinced Bella that I was the madman stalking her. Especially with my eyes. I was such the fool. She thinks I'm stalking her and I show up with black eyes. Of course she would be terrified of me. I had to make up for my lapse and do my best to make a better impression to calm her. I would tell her that I was so frightened when I had heard of her peril that I had not stopped to think about how it would appear to others.

Suddenly it dawned on me why my family looked so appalled when I had first arrived. I was so caught up in my fear of what could call me back to Forks I hadn't even thought of what my appearance looked like. No wonder Jasper and Emmett had tackled me as soon as I was out of sight of the school. Alice had not been angry that I had gone to Bella first – but that I had gone to a public place looking like this. The way I had carried myself was the furthest thing from blending in. Especially when all of Forks already had me and the rest of my family on their radar due to Bella.

I would apologize for creating a scene. I had a lot of apologizing to do it seemed. I took a quick shower. Hygiene hadn't been a high priority for me as of late, but if Alice was right – which she always is – Bella would be coming to see me later today. When I opened my closet door all the missing pieces of the story suddenly clicked into place.

The terrible night before I had left Bella in the woods after arguing for hours with my family, I had only packed half of my wardrobe. At the time, I had planned to give the illusion to my family that I would accompany them to New Hampshire. The rest I had left as I knew I would not require them where I was going.

Now I stared at empty hangers. I remembered Alice's words about smelling my s_tale _scentin Bella's room_._ I recalled thinking to myself that as it had been months since I had been in Bella's room; no trace of my scent should have remained. How could I have been so stupid to miss that? I had been a vampire for 90 years. I should know better. It was then my eyes focused on one of the empty hangers. I knew that scent. Gingerly hung on one of _my_ hangers was a long red hair. Before I could even turn around to summon Alice I heard my bedroom door crash open.

"No!" She looked equally angry and shocked.

I held up a hand to gesture for silence and used my senses to check the area around the house for signs of life and listened into the minds around me. I identified all of my family's thoughts quickly. I heard nothing else that suggested we were not completely alone. Considering it was still daylight it did not surprise me. I knew she most likely was keeping us under surveillance. I needed to be sure I could talk to my family without alerting her that I had discovered her plan.

"Everyone come here now." I whispered just loud enough for them to hear. They all arrived within seconds.

"I know what's happening and bear with me but we must all keep our voices down."

"What? Who's doing this?" Emmett asked.

"Victoria" I spat.

My family collectively hissed at her name. I tried to drown out their thoughts as images bombarded my mind.

"What? How?" Esme asked confused.

I picked up the hanger with the obviously placed hair and showed it to them all.

"She obviously wanted us…_me_. To know it was all by her hand. I doubt she expected us to return until after she was done" I said trying to calm my outrage.

"But why?" Esme asked just above a whisper. She couldn't understand why Bella was even of concern to Victoria.

I saw Carlisle's face drop for a split second. I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a frustrated sigh. I knew they were going to be angry with me. I now had to tell them what I had done. This was not going to be pleasant.

"Back in the clearing when we first met Victoria, James, and Laurent I thought I had a good reading of her mind, particularly in how attached she was to James" I spat out his name. "But at the time she was not of much concern to me. When it was all over I knew given how vampires are about their mates there was a chance she would come after me. I even suspected she may come after you" I motioned to Jasper and Emmett. "Since you were technically the ones who got James. But the more I thought about what I saw in her thoughts, the more I knew the quarrel would be with me. I figured I could handle it on my own…when I decided to leave" I paused as the image of Bella's tearful face in the forest flashed before my eyes. I took a breath to push through the pain of that thought and continued.

"I had put Bella's life in danger so many times simply by bringing her into our world. The night I left, I promised Bella that she would be free from our presence. I wanted to ensure that Bella was free to lead a human life without interference from our world. If anything I believed Victoria would come after me and I didn't want to be anywhere near Bella. To risk her life….so I tracked Victoria."

"_You_…Tracked...Her" Jasper said surprised. I was offended at the tone of disbelief in his voice. I took offense at the stress he placed on the word 'you'. It's not like it was a difficult concept to grasp. Of course I had to track her. Why did they look so surprised?

"Why didn't you ask for our help? I would have gladly helped you hunt her. I love Bella like a sister." Emmett said while punching his hand into the other. Even Emmett seemed to doubt I was capable of handling one single vampire.

Their reactions were making me feel defensive. I knew my plan was the correct course of action. If only I could make them understand.

"It wasn't your burden to bear. I thought I could handle it myself. For goodness' sakes she was just one vampire. How hard could it be?" I uttered in a cold tone.

"Obviously more than you could handle. This was your grand plan to protect your human? It seems to have worked brilliantly." Rosalie snapped.

"_I don't even like her and I would have never done anything so cruel_." She continued her thoughts she had begun when I first arrived home. She had made it her duty to make sure I knew what I had done.

I ignored her. She was of course right, all of this was solely my own fault, but right now I had to concentrate on other things. My whole family looked at me with disbelief. They all blocked their thoughts except Rosalie, who I knew echoed exactly what they were thinking.

"_You and your damn pride!"_

"I lost her in South America, right about the time Bella started having strange things happen to her." I continued.

"What about your things? The pictures? The tickets?" Esme asked. "Bella said you took them from her when you left that day. Edward you know that was a deplorable way to treat a lady. Why would you do something that cruel to her? And how could they end up in someone else's hands?"

I cringed as Esme's images of Bella talking to the family came to her mind. Alice added to the images by showing Bella's voice when she described the pain of returning to her room and finding our gifts missing, as she described my promise to remove all traces of us from her life. I gasped and clutched my head when the next image flooded my mind. The mental picture of Bella tearing out the car stereo we had given her for her birthday with her bare hands – of her bleeding fingers – of her face when telling Alice broke me. That combined with all the mental images of Bella's pain from all of my family members at once was so torturous, that I started to cry. I could not look at them as I dryly sobbed.

My voice broke. I hated showing emotions like this in front of them. "I never took them from her. I hid them under a loose floorboard in her room. It was immature I know. I had hoped one day she would find them. After she had healed and gone on with her life. I wanted her to have kind memories of me even if I was out of her life. It was selfish of me. I am sorrier than I can ever tell you to have treated a lady…Bella that way. I know you raised me better." Even to myself I knew I sounded pathetic. My shoulders heaved. I could no longer speak as I cried.

"Oh Edward" Esme whispered as she reached out her arms to embrace me. I cringed mentally as I looked over her shoulders and saw the expressions on the rest of my family members' faces. They still did not understand. Esme's embrace served to remind me of how little I deserved her regard. Once again the prodigal son returns and once again the family has to clean up his foolish mistakes.

The road to hell truly was paved with good intentions it seemed. I thought the agony of leaving her, of lying to her would be the worst pain I could ever feel. I thought the daily pain I endured at being separated from her made my sacrifice worthwhile. I was willing to suffer the fires of hell for my soulless existence if it would keep her safe. To discover that my efforts had been in vain, that she was still being hunted, brought me indescribable torment. Now, admitting to my family the childish things I had done, which inadvertently brought further pain to Bella made the agony inside me howl. I was a thousand times a fool! I knew I had to calm down in order to explain the situation to my family. I took a deep breath and continued.

"My scent would have been all over the gifts I hid in her room. It would have been easy for Victoria to find," I finished explaining.

"How did you piece this all together? What scents did you find in Bella's room?" Carlisle asked.

My mind began to reel. It was my fault entirely. Everything. I had left the items she had used to torture Bella. If I had not been so childish and taken them at all she would not have been able to use them. If I had not lied to my family they would have come with me, or I would have gone with them and my clothes would not have been left behind for Victoria to mask her scent. Alice would have known it was her right from the start. I reminded myself at that point that I had forbidden Alice to look into Bella's future. Because of my foolish pride Bella had truly been left alone and vulnerable by us. I was truly a monster.

I could have stopped this all. I could have never left Bella in the first place. Things should have been different. Now I had shattered Bella's heart in vain.

Alice took my silence as her cue to finish the explanation.

"When I was in Bella's room all I could smell was Edward's stale scent. This made no sense. Until…" and Alice opened my closet wide open, "Edward discovered the clothes he left behind were missing. She was using them to mask her scent. Maybe as a precaution in case we ever returned?" She asked rhetorically.

--+--

The house was quiet. The family had all gone to do some hunting, and Alice had decided to check in on Bella at school. Jealous did not even begin to describe how I felt about Alice being able to see Bella. I had spent these past months re-living every moment I had with Bella. The way her heart beat would race when I touched her. The amazing way she blushed and drove me wild with the lightest fragrance of her scent. The way I could never predict what she was going to say and how she fascinated me with her ability to love. The look on her face when she told me that "it didn't matter" that I was a vampire, that it was too late because she had already fallen in love with me.

I had known the very moment I hurt her in that forest I would regret it for the rest of my miserable eternity. The look in her eyes as I broke her heart, her tear-stricken face and trembling body were forever imprinted on my mind. A permanent reminder of the pain I had caused her. These past months I had mentally relived that conversation innumerable times and it never ceased to crush me. I could still hear her voice begging me to wait as she ran in vain after me. I could still remember speeding up knowing she would never reach my side hoping she would realize her efforts were futile and return to the safety of her home.

Why had she believed me so easily? I hated myself for thinking it. But I did blame Bella for my leaving…It was a horrible thought, but I could not push it out of my mind. Why did she accept what I had told her? I wanted her to fight me, to argue for our love. I expected it. Although I never allowed the thought to enter my mind at the time, I was hoping she would have protested so I would stay. She would be her usual stubborn self, and I would keep up the charade as long as I could, but eventually I would give in to her and stay. I felt so utterly selfish for thinking this way. I had made this choice. How could I even try to blame her for this? She had given me many chances that night to take back those lies…but I did not. And here we were reaping the fruits of my lies.

--+--

Bella let out a small sigh, which pulled me from my thoughts. I instinctively reached out my hand to caress her face, but stopped myself. I wished she would wake up and see me. I wanted to confess all my horrible lies to her, make sure she understood how much I loved her. I knew that someone like me did not deserve her. I wished of nothing more than her understanding and taking this foolish man back into her embrace. Even if she has moved on, I merely needed her to know that I was the fool – the fool who loved her still with all his being.

These past few days in the hospital like a thief in the night I had taken to reading the private thoughts of Charlie, Angela and Mike, trying to fill in the past few months in more detail. Between the three of them they never left Bella's side. As they waited with Bella to regain consciousness they would recall different memories, allowing me to see Bella even as I hid within the bowels of the hospital.

Angela recalled memories of Bella thinking I was stalking her. The fear in Bella's voice was immeasurable. She truly believed I was trying to torture her. Angela felt completely torn. Her innocent heart tried with all its might to hate me. But even she doubted I was capable of what Bella described. Her biggest fear was that Bella was seeing things. But her thoughts would not stay in these dark places for very long. She would quickly try to think of other things.

Charlie's mind was the hardest for me to endure. Seeing Bella in the hospital only brought out all the memories of Bella being hurt when I left. He recalled his panic at her absence on that day. When hours passed and a storm started and she did not return to the house despite the note I had forged. I winced as I saw his memories of calling La Push to ask for assistance from his Quilete friends. I completely understood his hatred of me when I took from his mind the image of Bella lying in Sam Uley's arms, the haunted look on her face as she kept saying "He's gone." She had become a shell of herself. Charlie referred to it as her 'zombie state'. His mind always came back to me. To the anger and blame he placed on me for his daughter's pain. Bella had slowly grown better until we returned last week. He had watched her begin to slip away again when this happened.

"_Maybe I should call Renee again. Why would Bella wander out into the woods in the middle of the night? What happened to her out there? What if she's going back to her…what did the doctor call it?...catatonic? What will she be like when she wakes up? I can't do this on my own"_

His memories burned into my mind. Bella had been catatonic? My poor Bella, what had I done?

My true pain surfaced when I read Newton's mind. He tried to look into the positive things. He remembered all the good times he had with Bella, and looked forward to her getting well again so he could help her get back to normal.

His thoughts were simple and innocent, yet I hated him for it. He remembered times he was with Bella at work, mocking her at her lack of outdoor knowledge. Then he recalled the time he and her were watching TV together. It was dark and he had his arm wrapped around her. She seemed so happy. The only sense of relief I got from his thoughts was that Alice had told me the truth. Bella and Mike were not together. Mike still wished that one day something may happen, but he was very happy just being her friend.

But the more Mike recalled the more I even hated them being friends. They did such normal _human_ things together. They laughed and joked – such simple things. Even the worst things that had happened with Mike didn't even compare to the danger I brought to her.

He remembered when he had taken Bella and Angela to see a band he really liked. Some college kids felt Mike unworthy of Bella and Angela's presence – not that I disagreed with them- But Mike had stood up to them. He even won a kiss from Bella for his chivalry. What had my chivalry accomplished? I had broken her heart and nearly killed her…again.

--+--

My mind wandered to the very events that had led up to Bella being harmed. Despite my well laid plans once again, fate had reared her ugly head. We had left Bella to hunt Victoria and were over an hour away tracking her scent in the mountains. My phone rang and I grabbed it hoping to hear good news from Jasper.

"What do you mean you lost her?" I yelled into the phone.

"Edward we tried. But she's very good at getting away. You becoming over emotional is not helping us find her. You need to calm down and focus." Jasper said on the other end. I could hear his southern accent emerging which was never a good sign.

At Jasper's suggestion, we had split into two groups while pursuing Victoria with the intention of attacking her from two directions. We knew she had amazing instincts for evasion. The hope was when she shifted her direction we would get a quicker jump on it. We had yet to make contact but we had been following her scent for days. But now the scent had gone cold, and a horrible fear crept into me. This reminded me of her false trail in South America all over again. She could have doubled back and gone to Forks.

"I am _very _focused. We need to get back to Forks now. Bella's not safe" I said quickly to Jasper before ending the call.

As we drove back to Forks at a speed even I considered fast Alice tried her hardest to calm me.

"What are you thinking?" Alice asked and I saw Carlisle tilt his head up waiting for my response.

What did she want me to say? 'I'm just thinking how great it is that I've once again managed to hurt Bella and put her in a situation where she may get killed'. But I knew my anger was misplaced on Alice so I just kept my eyes on the road and said nothing.

"Everything that happens in the world is not your fault, Edward."

"I beg to differ Mary Alice. Everything _is_ my fault. I keep trying to do the right thing and it ends up being the wrong thing. I should have never left her, I should have never gone after Victoria on my own, and now I've lost her scent again. I should have had someone stay to keep watch, but I was too overly confident that we could catch her. And now…now we're going back and who knows what's happened…." I stopped my train of thought as images of Bella hurt and dying flashed before me. I had to stop these thoughts.

"Do you see anything with Victoria?" I asked Alice.

She closed her eyes and I could see what she was seeing. It was all just flashes of un-remarkable forest. There was no way to know where she was or where she was going.

"I'm sorry Edward. It seems Victoria's gift of escaping is even too good for me" Alice sighed in defeat.

"Alice the future is never definitive." Carlisle reassured her from the backseat.

"I'm sorry Alice. I should have never have told you to not look into Bella's future. I left her completely helpless, and now you feel guilt that you should not feel. You were simply doing what I asked" I said apologetically.

Alice had told me that by ignoring Bella's visions for so long she had been having a hard time getting a solid grasp on them now. She let out a disappointed sigh.

"I keep trying. I do. But her future is just so unclear. I only get small flashes but never enough to give me any information. I'm not sure if it's just that I've been blocking her so long, or if she's just undecided"

As I was about to again reassure her that I held no blame on her for this she went completely tense.

"What do you see?" I practically shouted at her.

"I don't know…Bella's leaving her bedroom, and is wandering in the forest alone. I'm not sure, it doesn't make sense. It looks like she's wearing pajamas. It's like she's following something, but I can't see what." Alice sounded frantic.

I pushed my foot down all the way on the accelerator as the car sped for her house. I prayed we made it to her in time. I could not imagine what I would do without Bella even if I could not be with her. She had to be safe.

--+--

I parked the car a few miles away and took off on foot. Alice and Carlisle were right behind me and I could hear that the others were only a mile behind us.

As I ran for her house I hoped and wished we had beaten Alice's vision. I knew how arbitrary they could be. Hopefully we could arrive in time to keep Bella from leaving her house. I pictured myself jumping into her window and seeing her sleeping peacefully in her bed.

"_Be in bed..be in bed"_ I could hear Alice repeating in her head.

I jumped up the side of Bella's house and as soon as I could lifted the window and found myself alone in an empty room. Bella's coat lay on her rocking chair. I could smell her fading scent. I could also smell mine and it seemed more recent.

I felt the growl escape my chest as I quickly searched every room in the house finding nothing but a peacefully snoring Charlie. I ran back to her room, grabbed her coat and took in her scent as I jumped back outside**. **I clenched her coat desperately hoping she would be needing it when I found her.

"Do you see anything else?" I begged Alice.

Alice closed her eyes and I could see her trying hard to concentrate.

"She's confused. It's hard to get a clear image. Someone's with her though because I can hear voices. It sounds like Victoria and _Laurent_." she said with shock.

Before I could even think I was off and running in the woods. It took only a moment before I locked in on her scent and I could hear her heartbeat in the distance. It was growing more and more faint the closer we came.

Anger like I have never known coursed through my body. There was only one reason for her scent to get stronger while her heartbeat got quieter. I would kill them both for this if it was the last thing I did.My vision clouded red with pure anger. I looked over at Carlisle and locked eyes.

"Take care of Bella" I whispered sternly. He nodded understanding.

I lunged from the trees and attacked the first person I saw. Laurent. As he flew in the air I quickly looked back as Victoria threw Bella into a tree. I heard bones crack as her limp body fell to the ground.

Even though I did not need to breathe it felt like I couldn't even if I wanted to. My anger and instincts took over in a way that I hadn't felt since I had first turned. My mind was only focused on one thing and all rational thought disappeared. It was like being a newborn once again. Except it paled in comparison. This was not about the need of thirst, this was about vengeance. During this distraction Laurent lunged at me hoping to catch me surprised. Having the advantage of knowing an opponent's thoughts made fighting easier. I easily ducked his grasp and latched onto his throat. I held him there for what felt like an eternity and plundered his mind for his memories. As he panicked in my grasp his mind raced of how their plan had failed. And I saw with my own two eyes what they had done to Bella.

Flashes of his thoughts entered my own. I saw through his eyes Bella's bedroom. Her withering in her bed covered in sweat having a nightmare, no doubt caused by him and Victoria. I could feel his thoughts as he watched her toss and turn waiting for the day he would taste her for himself.

I felt a growl come up my chest and the thoughts stopped. Laurent gave a sinister smirk even while held tightly in my grasp. He knew my gift, he would have been filled in when he was in Denali, and now he was blocking his thoughts.

I hissed at him as I quickly took inventory of my family. Alice, Jasper and Emmett were surrounding Victoria. Carlisle was with Bella but he was blocking his thoughts from me. I soon found Esme and Rosalie and knew why Carlisle was doing that. Bella looked lifeless on the forest floor.

I could see the fear in Carlisle as he tried to decipher her medical condition. It was then his thoughts began to come to me.

"_Oh Bella…You need to survive this…You need to be strong like I know you are"_

It was when I heard my father's remorseful thoughts, tortured that Bella may not make it, that I felt my anger and fear shake me to my very core. I took one more second to concentrate on the way Bella looked as I came back to my own vision with Laurent struggling in my grasp.

"She's just a _pathetic_ human. A toy" Laurent sneered.

I growled and ripped off his arm as he screamed.

I saw Victoria run off in my peripheral vision and Jasper, Emmett and Alice following right behind her.

"She's mine" I roared.

At the same time all of their thoughts came at me.

"_Finish off what you're doing… we'll let you have her when we get her"_ Jasper said.

"_Check on Bella"_ Alice told me.

"_Don't worry Edward, I'll let you have her. But I'll have some fun of my own first."_ Emmett laughed.

I continued to tear apart Laurent, allowing the monster inside of me to take control. As the demon in me ripped off each body part inside I snarled with joy.

"This is for hurting Bella" I sneered at him as I ripped off his other arm.

"And this for watching her while she slept" as I tore his leg off.

I could see and hear the thoughts of Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie, utterly shocked at my horrific display. But I couldn't even register their thoughts as the monster continued to get his vengeance.

As I finished ripping apart Laurent I saw Esme and Rosalie gathering the pieces and starting a fire. I could see the horror on their faces. Esme hated seeing me like that. She never liked to see any of her children as monsters. Especially me. She had never seen me allow my anger to have full control.

Rose too was shocked at my display. She had used the monster within herself once as well. She never thought I could do what she had. But even with that, she took joy out of gathering the pieces of Laurent I had scattered.

As the haze in my mind slowly cleared with the growing flames I recalled another fire a year ago when we killed James. That's when I remembered Bella. I turned around quickly and saw Bella on the ground with Carlisle kneeling down beside her. Her heartbeat was so faint. She was unconscious and her body lay strewn in an unnatural position. I couldn't believe my own eyes. This could not be Bella.

"She's alive, but barely. She's got severe hypothermia." Carlisle told me as he wrapped his jacket around her. As he did I caught a glimpse of bruises forming down her left arm.

I looked at Carlisle and he continued.

"She's so cold a lot of her injuries are being suppressed. Her arm appears shattered, I'm positive she has at least a few broken ribs. I don't know if there's any internal bleeding though. Her body's too cold"

I caressed her cheek and for the first time felt her icy cold skin. It was my worst fears come true. My Bella so full of life was cold to the touch, her life slipping away. My mind couldn't help but drift to earlier times of her full of life. How her face truly lit up when she was happy. Her cute clumsiness. How strong she was. When I had saved her from Tyler's van how she hated being the center of attention and letting others care for her. Even when she was in pain that day in the emergency room, how determined she was to get the truth of my nature out of me. How secure she was in the fact she was right.

"Oh Bella" I sighed as I gently lifted her from the ground and brought her closer to the roaring fire. Carlisle followed close behind brining Bella's jacket I had dropped when we arrived. He placed it around her like a blanket.

"Maybe you should change her Edward" Esme whispered.

"No!" I roared.

"Why not son?" Esme asked ignoring my outburst.

"I am not about to condemn her to an eternity of _this_. When she can live a normal _human_ life"

"Mother is simply pointing out what you should already understand Edward. Bella's heartbeat is fading. She's dying, it's the only way!" Rosalie snapped defending Esme.

"Has your time in medical school faded from your mind Rosalie? She is not at the point where she must be changed. She still has a chance at living. She has hypothermia Rose. She's cold; you're not dead until you're warm and dead. We need to get her to a hospital; I think the cold is concealing other injuries."

It was then I saw Jasper, Emmett and Alice appear in the clearing.

"Where is Victoria?" I yelled.

"We're sorry, we lost her Edward" Jasper sighed. "She is amazingly good at escaping. She had a car waiting for her and we couldn't keep up on foot. We didn't know what else she may have planned, we figured it best to come back here incase she plans on doubling back"

I let out a large growl. Again I had failed.

My family's thoughts came at me from every direction.

_We need to go after her._

_Edward, Bella needs to get to the hospital…now_

_Just change her._

_We need to get moving if we're going to follow Victoria._

_Let's go pummel that redhead._

_Son, she needs proper medical attention._

"I know! I know!" I shouted to them all. I was completely torn on what to do. I knew Bella needed to get to the hospital and I wanted to be there for her.

What good would it be for me to be there for her? She was so angry the last time she had been in my presence. Waking up from this with me by her side would only add unneeded confusion for her. She needed to recover before I bring any more stress into her life. It would be better for me to go after Victoria and end this threat once and for all. To make right my wrongs. Then I can return to her side and confess my numerous sins to her. I refused to believe she would die. My Bella was a fighter.

"Alice, you and I will get her to the hospital. The rest of you will continue after Victoria." Carlisle commanded.

The family began to split up and head off into the woods as I once again knelt beside Bella.

"Go" Alice whispered.

I caressed her cold cheek one more time with my hand. It was even harder than leaving her in the woods that day to turn and leave her side. I prayed to a God I was not even sure would listen to my damned soul to let her survive. I would make it right again, if only he could grant her life. I vowed vengeance as I ran off into the woods to destroy the monster that made my beautiful Bella so cold.

--+--

I emerged from my thoughts as Bella once again let out a small sigh. I couldn't help but reach out and touch her cheek.

It still was not as warm as it should be, but to feel this warmth set my fingers on fire. Bella would heal and I could only hope that she gave me the chance to make amends and be a part of her life. I felt hope spring to life within me. She had survived so much, we had endured so much; I vowed in that moment that nothing would ever keep me from her side again. I would do whatever the fates required of me to regain her love.

"Why?" she choked out.

Just as spoke Carlisle entered the room.

I stared in disbelief, unsure if she was conscious or not. For the thousandth time I cursed at not being able to read her mind. Her heart rate was normal and her breathing had not increased. She was still asleep, dreaming. Her face looked sad. I was unsure if I was reading too much into it or not. But I didn't remember seeing that sadness earlier.

"_Edward, we need to go. The sun will be rising in a few moments, and Alice sees Charlie arriving as soon as he wakes up, which is soon."_

I turned to Carlisle, somehow hoping his thoughts were not true. I wasn't ready to leave her just yet. Who knew when the next opportunity would arise for me to be with her? It was then Bella began to speak again and we both quickly turned to her.

"Why Edward? Why did you leave me? How could you do this to me again?" her voice cracked.

Her face was broken with sadness and fear. It mirrored the way she looked in the forest on that fateful night. The night I set the wheels in motion that led us to this inconceivable outcome.

I held my breath and stayed perfectly still as she let out a few sobs and continued.

"Why did you _all_ leave me alone to die?" she cried quietly as a single tear ran down her cheek.

Carlisle glided to her side and grabbed a syringe from her bedside table.

"_She's about to have one of her screaming episodes. This is how the doctor described them. She starts with talking in her sleep, which then escalates to sobbing or crying and then she starts to scream. We can't risk being found out son. I'm only doing what the doctor's will do in a few minutes. If she starts an episode she won't stop and there's no where for us to hide in this room."_

I nodded quickly as her words sunk into me.

Her body began to shake as her sobs grew more pronounced as Carlisle injected the sedative into her IV line.

My worst fear was still true… I had hurt her more then anyone else could…More than James or Victoria… I was the enemy. Not only just me, but my entire family. We _had_ left her die

Bella's sobs quickly went silent and her breathing became deep and constant as the sedative worked its way through her system.

"I loved you" she whispered slowly.

All hope left my body as I felt the darkness of her words crush me.


	10. Stop and Stare

**A/N – Thank you all for your patience. I'd first like to thank bookishqua for our amazing love/hate (mostly love haha) relationship. She pushes me to open up even more possibilities and I thank her for all her help, support and suggestions.**

**And also to my girlies on the boards. You're equally the reason it's taken me so long to write this, as well as the driving force to crack down. Jami and Shellz enjoy this! **

**Feedback please :-)**

**P.S. So we finally have our movie. Let the countdown to the DVD release and New Moon begin hehe  
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**stressedasalways**

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_Previously in Chapter 9 – Broken_

_Her body began to shake as her sobs grew more pronounced as Carlisle injected the sedative into her IV line._

_My worst fear was still true… I had hurt her more then anyone else could…More than James or Victoria… I was the enemy. Not only just me, but my entire family. We had left her to die_

_Bella's sobs quickly went silent and her breathing became deep and constant as the sedative worked its way through her system._

"_I loved you" she whispered slowly._

_All hope left my body as I felt the darkness of her words crush me._

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**Edward's POV**

If it were possible for a vampire to blackout that is what is happening to me. All I could focus on was the face in front of me and the echoes of her voice in my head.

"_I loved you."_

I couldn't see or hear anything else. I was vaguely aware that the room was becoming marginally brighter; the sun must be beginning to rise. My pocket was vibrating wildly, I knew it had to be Alice, yet I couldn't gather the energy to care about her warnings. I could also faintly hear my father begging me to leave the room. It wasn't that I was disobeying him, I honestly couldn't move. My whole self had shut down.

I only partially awoke from the darkness when I noticed Bella was no longer in my sight. Carlisle had me by the shoulders in an almost sideways hug and was walking me down the empty hallways of the hospital. To anyone who saw it would look only like a father comforting his son, in truth he was carrying me. I finally gathered the strength to find my own legs and began to walk on my own. Carlisle's thoughts repeated a mantra that I couldn't begin to believe.

'_Edward, we will fix this. She is going to be well again, and we will fix this.'_

I looked him dead on and I'm sure he could see the emptiness in my eyes, the emptiness that had overtook me completely. He stopped trying to reassure me but continued to lead me silently to the empty storeroom in the basement I had called home for many days.

As Carlisle opened the door to the dark cold room I was quick to notice that it wasn't just Alice waiting for me, but the whole family. Their faces looked solemn and it was easy to guess Alice had told them what had transpired.

"_I…I…oh…ugh…" _Alice's thoughts ran in unintelligible circles

'_Oh Bella! My dearest Bella.'_ Esme repeated her face completely blank, her hands locked within each other.

Jasper was having a hard time dealing with all the emotions so rather then facing them; his thoughts went somewhere else entirely.

'_Damn Victoria! I've killed hundreds better then her. How did I let her escape?'_

I reacted instantly and pinned Jasper hard against the wall.

"How did you let her escape?! I trusted you to be able to get rid of this problem. Now not only does Bella hate all of us she still has this _thing _after her!" I raged through gritted teeth.

Within milliseconds my family was on us. Emmett and Carlisle pulled me off him and dragged me to the other side of the room. Esme and Rosalie stood in front of me blocking my view of him, and I saw Alice rush to Jasper's side. No one needed to hold him back; apparently I was the only monster in this room. I could hear Alice panicking. Hospitals were not a good place for Jasper. The emotions within these walls were overwhelming on a good day, on a day like today, where his family was also part of the agony, was excruciating. It was taking all of Jasper's will to not emit the powerful emotions that surged within him.

"Calm down Edward," Emmett said sternly.

"Edward we will figure out what went wrong later. For now we need to be calm. We need to continue to keep an eye on Bella." Carlisle whispered in a fatherly tone as he released me and gave my shoulder a small squeeze.

Emmett continued to keep one hand on my shoulder. I stared at each one of my family members and then fell to the ground, leaning back against the cold hard brick wall. I immediately regretted my outburst. Jasper had been working so hard to continue tracking the vile Victoria.

"I'm sorry," I sighed my voice sounding numb.

Esme then moved aside so I could see Alice and Jasper once again. Jasper nodded once slightly, but I think we both knew this was a conversation that needed to be continued later. It was then that Esme kneeled down and took hold of my hand.

"Edward, you should go home." she said deeply concerned

"No," I sighed once again. "I need to stay to make sure no one suspects anything" I knew Carlisle forged the night shift doctor's name when charting that he gave Bella the sedative, but I was the only one who could make sure there was no suspicion when the day shift arrived.

Esme quickly looked at Alice, probably hoping she could convince Alice to take my place, but Alice was falling apart at the seams. I could see the debate in her eyes without even reading her thoughts, which of her children needed to get out of this place, which one of us needed her more. In the end Esme chose a compromise.

"I'll stay with you then." she said as she sat on the floor beside me, still holding my hand.

Rosalie began to leave the room, as she grabbed Emmett's hand he quickly shook no. Apparently he felt I was in no condition to fight if Victoria did show up, and he wasn't about to leave his mother –Esme – to be responsible.

I could hear the anger in Rosalie as she quickly left the room. Not only was she completely upset at me and the entire situation, her husband would not be home with her.

Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice, also completely torn. He wanted to be here to help me, even after our fight. But my feelings were no match for Alice. I was numb, dead for once in every sense of the word. Alice on the other hand was breaking.

'_I would stay for you Edward, but she needs me more and I'm not sure I can help you while you're here.'_

I knew he was right and needed no further explanation as he pulled his broken wife from the room. Carlisle was the last to leave. I knew he wanted to stay, but he knew now wasn't the time.

'_Son' _he began in his thoughts

I moved my head slightly to begin to object to whatever reassurances he was about to start. He seemed to take the hint and nodded once before kissing Esme on the forehead and leaving as well.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, looking and waiting for someone to enter Bella's room. Thankfully Esme and Emmett were silent, both aloud and in their thoughts.

It wasn't long before the morning interns arrived to do their rounds. I quickly located the thoughts of the one that was entering Bella's room.

'_Poor girl'_ and he let out a sigh. He started with just taking her stats, such as blood pressure, temperature and IV fluids. _'She still looks like such a mess. I wonder if we'll ever know what happened to her. It must have horrible.'_ He began to examine Bella's arm but when she didn't wake he paused to go and look at her chart._ 'Another panic attack in the night?... We are definitely going to need a psyche consult.' _I could see him jotting down in the chart that he would be passing the chart to his attending to arrange the consult.

A small growl emitted from my chest.

"Edward, what is it?" Esme spoke softly.

"Don't worry. They don't suspect anything odd with the sedative Carlisle injected." I said flatly

'_Edward'_ Esme spoke to me through thoughts. She knew that wasn't the reason for my growl.

"They're going to get a psychiatric consult for her panic attacks." I kept my voice quiet and even, not letting any emotions through as I closed my eyelids even tighter.

--*+*--

I pinched my nose and shook my head. I knew I had to stop reanalyzing everything that had happened, but I couldn't find the will to stop. I sat in my room overwhelmed by the silence. As I scanned my room it felt like everything was out of place. Of course this was not the case. Within days of my family's return to Forks they had easily restored the house to its original splendor. My leather couch sat welcoming for guests that would never come and my CD's were lined up in the exact order I had last seen them.

Every now and then I would close my eyes and inhale deeply. Bella's scent still lingered here. For a brief moment in time it was like nothing had happened, but reality was always quick to come crashing back at me. The scent was so faint here; it had been a very long time since Bella had been in my room. Sometimes I would debate going to the living room, where her scent was stronger but I could never gather the strength for such torture.

As if my own guilt and feelings were not overwhelming enough, I had to endure the thoughts of everyone else in the house. A few days had passed since I had last seen Bella in the hospital. Although my family's thoughts had stayed the same, hearing them today hurt more. Today was different…special. Today was Christmas.

The house should be filled with laughter. Esme, Alice and Rose always made sure the house could rival any editorial spread on decorations. Jasper, Emmett and I always made sure to get the largest tree that could fit in our living room. For us it a competition who could find the largest, while Carlisle made sure the tree was gorgeous enough for his waiting wife and daughters.

Money was never something that concerned us. There was no need for us to wait for one specific day to get or give something that we wanted. But this was one human ritual we had always enjoyed.

Rosalie was always sure to give an exact list to Emmett of what she wanted. She always acted overjoyed when he actually gave them to her. Esme and Carlisle would always give the most thoughtful gifts. Alice…I almost found enough joy in the memory to smile. Alice always knew what she was going to get. Poor Jasper would try every year to delay his decision but Alice always knew. But Alice enjoyed giving more then receiving. It was never uncommon for the gifts to spill over the entire room. I have the benefit of knowing exactly what each member of my family wanted. Every year I would find the one thing they forgot they had desired and made sure it was waiting on Christmas morning.

Then there was the fashion show that would quickly follow. The girls just liked to show off their gifts, but Alice insisted that every family member take part. Always smug when we looked as 'gorgeous' as she had foreseen in our new clothes. The new electronic gadgets were soon hooked up and being played. And there was always a new toy or two in the garage that would have to be test driven.

I looked out the window as the snow cascaded on the trees outside my room. Ever since we have been a complete family we have never missed a Christmas. Even when Emmett and Rosalie were out playing a married couple, they had always come home.

This year was different. There were no decorations, no tree, and no gifts. Just a silent house of vampires stuck in their never ending thoughts.

Rosalie was in the garage working while Emmett looked on. Emmett was ever the optimist as always. He believed with every fiber of his enormous frame that Bella would forgive us all once she was healed and no longer on heavy narcotics. I wanted him to be right too. But the memory of Bella in her hospital room crying in her sleep would never allow it.

When Rose had first heard about what had happened at the hospital she spent 2 days yelling at me directly in her thoughts. Every word vile, vindictive and….true.

'_What you did to her was horrible and despicable. As if destroying her emotionally wasn't enough you had to try and help her get killed!'_

Now she had turned her thoughts silent, concentrating on anything but the situation. First she read any book she could find but soon grew bored. Now she had moved on to describing what she was doing with the cars. Her mental silence was even worse as it only made my guilt grow.

Esme sat alone in the living room. She was the only one other then me that seemed to know the importance of the date. Her thoughts were sad as she saw her family falling apart at the seams. She included Bella in her mind as part of her family. As far as she was concerned Bella was, and forever will be her daughter. Although she would never think it outright as a mother, I believed she had already considered Bella her favorite. Leaving Bella in the first place had been gut wrenching for her. But she along with others in my family always thought it was only a matter of time before Bella would be a family member again. And now Esme felt like she had failed. Bella was hurt, not only physically but emotionally. As a mother – as Bella's mother – as my mother. She couldn't help but feel helpless. Bella was hurt emotionally because her son – me – had left her for her own good. She was hurt physically because the whole family had left her. Esme didn't have a mean bone in her body, but she didn't know how to use the new emotions that coursed through her. It wasn't anger, but there was something she felt towards me. To feel that emotion towards her own son hurt as much, if not more then the pain she felt over Bella. Esme may have not been able to cry out load, but within her thoughts she had been sobbing for days.

Carlisle had sat motionless in his study, his book open to the same page for close to a day before he took a shift keeping a watchful eye on Bella in the hospital. His thoughts had jumped around quickly, concentrating more on the past. Looking for what went wrong, what other options could have been explored.

_Carlisle walked down the familiar hallway of the hospital. His vision instantly locked on Charlie at the end of the hall._

"_Chief Swan" Carlisle greeted._

_Charlie looked up at Carlisle like he was shocked he was there. It took a second for him to regain his composure._

"_Dr. Cullen" Charlie stated flatly, with an obvious anger buried weakly under the surface._

"_How is Bella doing?" Carlisle asked, trying intentionally to not sound like a Doctor and more like a fellow father._

"_I'm sure you already know" Charlie said sternly. Before Carlisle could respond Charlie stood up from his seat. "Look _Carlisle_" Charlie continued with heavy emphasis on his name "I appreciate your concern but I would much rather you and your family stay away from me and Bella. I can't help but find it highly suspicious that you and Alice were the ones that found her on the side of the road. How coincidental that you two just happened to be going down that quiet road, and then spotted Bella."_

_It was easy to see Charlie was in full police mode._

"_I know how suspicious this may seem…as a father I can understand." Carlisle was quickly cut off by Charlie._

"_As a father you should have taught your children right. I understand you moved for a better job, but that is no excuse for the way your son ended it with Bella." Charlie shook his head obviously pushing many thoughts through it. He was back to being a father again._

"_Bella has finally started to move on. And I can't help but question the timing of your family's return with what happened to her now. Just please do me and her a favor and stay away from us"_

_And with that Charlie walked away, headed to Bella's room._

Carlisle had then snapped out of the memory and began to analyze everything about it. What he could have said differently, if he should have even let it be known that he and Alice had brought Bella into the hospital. It wouldn't be the first time in our existence law enforcement had grown suspicious of our family. But for that law enforcement to be Charlie – over _Bella_ – was indescribable.

There were so many variables, but as a father, he could always appreciate Charlie's point of view, see where Charlie was coming from. Carlisle seemed to stray away from the thoughts that this could have all been resolved just as Charlie had said. Had I not had been so hasty with my decision. With all my decisions. If I would have thought it through and stayed, or at very least allowed the family to keep in contact, Alice especially. This situation would be no where near as dire. I longed for Carlisle to think about it, to mention it. But he would never do that in my presence and I understood that. Still Charlie's words echoed in my head.

"…_but that is no excuse for the way your son ended it with Bella."_

Carlisle was now at the hospital. As far as they were concerned, he was using the holidays to get his office and other miscellaneous things in order to prepare for his return. In reality, while partially true Carlisle was the easiest way to keep an eye on Bella. The whole family took turns keeping a careful eye on her, being sure to stay out sight of Charlie. But Carlisle took the greater percentage of this task. Half of me knew it was out of concern for Bella and the easy explanation for him being there, but the other half knew it was a safe place for him to think about the situation without me being able to hear.

Jasper was the only person who I tried my absolute hardest to not see or hear his thoughts. Being in this house with everyone in pain was bringing him to his breaking point. But no matter how much he wanted to get out of this house he was always held back. Trying as hard as he possibly could to help her…

Alice sobbed dryly into her pillow in her room. She had seen what had occurred just a few moments before it happened. No one could hurt as much as I was, but Alice, poor Alice was a very close second. Her mind ran through all the times she had seen Bella. Her broken tear drenched face when Alice had first returned, to her anger when my family tried to explain how we – I – had left for her own good.

'_I should have known. I knew she wasn't stable. Too much had happened to her. I should have stayed behind with her. I'm such an idiot! I'm supposed to be her best friend, her sister. I knew leaving her the first time was a mistake, but I saw what damage that had caused to her. How could I have left her again? She thought she was all alone, she thinks I don't care. I should have never listened…'_

I tried hard to block out her thoughts then. Her guilt only intensified my own. This whole situation was of my own doing. It was meant to protect Bella and my family. And when that had failed horribly I just wanted to right the wrongs. But I had misunderstood everything. My mind went back to another time….The time I had misread Bella completely.

--*+*--

"She's going to come…I'm almost sure of it!" Alice assured me

I tried hard to smile lightly, but I doubt it came across. Nothing made any sense. No matter how many times Alice assured me it was going to work out in the end, I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

Over a century of being on this earth, and over 90 years of being able to dissect peoples thoughts did nothing to prepare me for how Bella's mind worked. She was always surprising me, doing the opposite of what I would expect someone to do.

Bella believed I was some horrible monster haunting and tormenting her. Not that I didn't deserve it. I had left her is such a horrible dishonest way. I might as well have handed the plan to…I grit my teeth even when thinking her name…Victoria.

"What do you see?" I sighed.

"I told you already, I don't see much of anything. Bella has only barely made up her mind that she's coming, she hasn't even begun to think about what she is going to say." Alice said calmly.

"You saw her today…" I said flatly. Alice had been reciting inconsequential things in her mind ever since she had returned from seeing Bella. I knew she was hiding something. Alice looked at me with a small smirk.

"It doesn't concern you." she practically sang as she skipped her way lightly to wait for Bella on the porch.

I wish I could be as sure as my dear sister Alice. In her mind we were already a happy family once again. Victoria was barely a speckle of dust on her radar. Bella and her were already the best of sisters once again, hiding things from me, 'girl talk' she had said.

I was jealous of Alice for that. She was so used to seeing the future; the pain of the present was nothing as long as she knew where it was leading. She could waltz through this day, this week, and this month and not let it get to her because she already sees the happy ending.

I, on the other hand, was a wreck. Waiting for Bella…to see my broken angel once again. No longer held back by childish spectators that watched her every move in the schoolyard the last time we met, she could finally unleash the pain I had put her through. I would see first hand what I had done to her. Then I would have to try and explain, explain how I was truly only doing this for her own well-being. Yes, it had back-fired in the worst way I could have never even imagined. But it was true all the same.

Then I would open my own heart; tell her how I was such a fool. The words were all lies and my feelings if anything had only grown over our separation. I would make sure she understands I'm not going anywhere.

Yes, Victoria will now be an issue that I'm back. She will have to change her plan of attack. I wasn't sure when this moment with Bella would arrive, so my family had continued the charade that we believed Bella was seeing things. I hoped that it would maybe give Victoria a boost to come out of hiding and we could once and for all rid of this problem for Bella. Unfortunately, now Victoria was waiting for us to leave Bella again.

I had managed to catch her thoughts briefly as she had come close enough to see if we were really back. After the shock wore off that Bella's protectors were back she was quick to rally and shift her strategy. Hearing some of my family's charade about Bella's well being had given her confidence that her mission could still be completed.

'_Ha! Even her dear vampires believe she is losing her mind." _I could hear an excited laugh in her thoughts._ "I can't wait to come back and continue playing with Bella!'_

A growl escaped my chest as I recalled how close Victoria had been to the house but we still couldn't find her. I pushed Victoria out of my mind. I was getting ahead of myself. First I needed to make things right with Bella, then, together with my family we would deal with Victoria.

That's when I heard the rumbling. Bella's truck was only a few miles away. I took an unneeded deep breath and waited for her to arrive.

"You had me guessing right until the very end." I heard Alice greet Bella.

'_I told you she would come!'_ Alice chirped happily to me.

Thankfully Alice was not trying to block me from her thoughts and I could see Bella through her eyes. If I had a heartbeat, it would be racing. Bella had stopped in her tracks outside the house, collecting herself I was sure. That's when I saw Alice grab her hand and drag her to the house. Bella seemed dazed as she noticed she was now in the house. I gave Alice a dirty look.

'_Just speeding things along.'_

I would deal with Alice later, for now my eyes were locked on Bella's as she stared at me from across the room. It was finally my chance to right my wrongs, and I was struck with silence. I didn't know what to say, where to start.

Bella took a step forward but stopped herself. Her face was pained and torn. For a fraction of a second it felt like she was coming to touch me, embrace me. No, I knew that was not possible. I had to start; I could no longer bear to know what she thought of me.

"Bella?" I said softly trying to break her out of her thoughts.

She seemed to flinch at the sound of my voice. I had to wonder if it due to it being my voice, or just that we had stood in silence for so long. Her eyes were now closed tightly, and I once again found myself begging to be able to hear her thoughts. Her face looked so pained and I couldn't recall a time I had seen it look this way before. Confusion, anger, fear and sadness seemed to touch all her features at the same time.

"Bella please look at me" It was bad enough her thoughts were closed off to me, but having her eyes closed off to me was just impossible. I wouldn't be able to do this with her not looking at me.

Her eyes opened hesitantly.

"I just want to explain…" I began but was quickly cut off by Bella.

"No" she whispered. I could hear the infliction in her voice and see her eyes begin to pool – she was angry. Before I could even say another word she was running out the door.

Before her truck had even left the driveway my family came down the stairs, Alice in the lead. A plan formed quickly in my head. It wasn't the situation I wanted, but it was a good opportunity to rid us all of Victoria now rather than waiting.

Bella was full of surprises. Instead of being terrified of the monster, of me, she was angry. We could leave for a few days and track and hunt Victoria without her even being the wiser. I didn't like this plan, I would much rather be using this time to repair the mess I had made with Bella. But Victoria was like a dagger over both our heads, and as much as I didn't like it this it seemed like our best option. With Victoria on the run Bella would be safe in Forks for the few days – if it even took that long – to rid of Victoria. With seven to one odds in our favor I knew we could handle the situation quickly.

Bella was so angry she probably wouldn't even want to see my family for the next few days anyway. What would be the point sitting and wallowing waiting for Bella to be ready? We could use this time to our advantage, and then not only could I beg for forgiveness the next time I saw Bella, I could assure her the horror was over once and for all.

I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to calm my anxious feelings.

"It's time." I said once my family had gathered in the room. Alice of course saw my plan unfold before I even spoke it out loud.

'_No! No Edward we have to able to do something else to help her!'_ Her thoughts screamed at me panicked.

"There's nothing more we can do." I said with a sigh. As much as I wanted to stay, we had to take this opportunity to get Victoria.

Once I had explained the plan to the others, they all reluctantly agreed. Luckily Jasper quickly saw the logic in it and took over the planning and explaining in detail how it could work. Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle worked over logistics as the rest of us quickly packed two set of bags. I had made sure to scan the surrounding area and Victoria's thoughts were no where to be found. We packed bags of supplies for our tracking, and we packed bags of clothes and other personal items to confirm to Victoria we had once again left.

My mind suddenly focused on Alice's thoughts. She was scanning Bella's future. She made it to two days from now before I had to stop it.

"Stop Alice, please" I said as I headed to her room. The vision quickly vanished. When I entered her room she was sitting cross legged on her bed, sadness washed over her usual perky features.

It seemed her visions had only confirmed my own thoughts. Bella was angry and would continue to be angry for the next few days.

"I won't look anymore…I just needed to be sure." she sighed.

--*+*--

A growl slowly erupted out of my chest as once again I recalled what a fool I had been. How could I have not seen what was really going on with Bella? I was so focused on trying to read her, on expecting her to surprise me. A natural reaction would not be anger. And anger would not cause her to cry and run away.

My whole time with Bella, since the moment I set eyes on her. I always waited, waited for realization to sink in for her, waited for her to scream and run away from me. And there she was crying and running away and I didn't see it. She had finally seen what I always expected, the monster I was. I was the monster who tore out her heart and left her to die. It wasn't anger that chased her out of our reunion, it was fear.

My growl had sent Alice on another wave of guilt.

'_I should have seen. It's my fault.'_

I couldn't take her guilt anymore as I quickly headed to her room. On the way I had to pass Carlisle's empty study. During these past few days that room had seen so much agony. I tried to not catch a glimpse of the walls I had spent clinging to life to, while I narrated for my family the play by play of Bella's surgeries. Watching her still body being opened and worked on was pure torture. My family was so concerned they wanted to know every detail. It was excruciating to not only have to watch it myself, but to then have to say out loud every cut, suction and stitch. My mind hopped from doctor's and nurses trying to find a quiet place to witness. But all of them couldn't help but comment on Bella's shocking condition. How the sweet and innocent daughter of the police chief could have had this happen to her. I pushed all those crystal clear memories aside as I continued my way to Alice's room.

Jasper sat beside Alice on the bed, rubbing her back. As soon as I crossed the threshold of her door I was hit with a strong wave of calm. I enjoyed it for a fraction of a second before I heard Alice dryly sob again. I locked eyes with Jasper and saw the pain in his eyes.

'_No matter how hard I try, I'm just not strong enough…If only I had better self control. Edward would have never left in the first place and Alice would not be in such pain'_

I knew the last thought had not been intended for me to hear. Another family member finding ways to blame them self. Jasper slowly turned Alice around and locked eyes with her. I turned away, giving them a moment of privacy. Their strong emotional connection never ceased to amaze me.

'_I hope you can help her. I can't bear this. I need to get out of the house for a while anyway. I'll go to the hospital and relieve Carlisle.' _

I nodded to Jasper as he left the room. He deserved an opportunity to get out of the house. How he endured the emotions in the house for as long as he had seemed impossible. The hospital would be no better for him, but at least the emotions he felt there were from strangers.

Alice for the first time I could remember looked fragile. For once her small frame looked weak and broken. Seeing her this way made me question why I had even entered this room. There was nothing I could say that would take away her guilt. I knew this because there was nothing anyone could say to take away my own guilt. Well there was one person, and that person could help Alice too, but now was not the time to bring the future up.

"Alice." I whispered as I sat beside her on the bed. She instantly curled herself into me as I instinctively wrapped my arms around her. We sat motionless and in silence, basking in a rare moment of feeling nothing.

The moment was soon broken as I felt Alice shake her head against my chest.

"It's all my fault." she whispered and her voice actually cracked.

"Alice." I began, my lips almost curling into a smirk at the ridiculous thought of any of this being her fault. "None of this is your fault. It's entirely on my shoulders." I felt her let out a deep sigh.

"I feel so useless Edward. I should have seen what had happened to her when we first left. I should have seen what happened when we left to track Victoria." She paused briefly before continuing in a whisper so faint I myself had to concentrate hard to hear her. "I should have seen Victoria, helped track her. Instead she's escaped again. Not only is Bella still in danger, she hates me." I grabbed her small hand and squeezed hard.

"Oh Alice," I tried to keep my voice calm as I spoke. It was true that in a moment of anger I had blamed Alice for not seeing things. It was foolish of me, like so many other things I had done. My family was too forgiving, too selfless. There was only one person to blame in all of this, yet every member of my family chooses to focus on how they were to blame. No one except Rosalie placed the blame where it truly belonged. But even then, Rose had once thought about why she had listened to me in the first place. Although her thought went no further than that, I could see even she felt a guilt that wasn't her burden to bear.

"My sweet sister," I whispered into her ear. "None of this is your fault. No one places any blame on you. I asked you not to look into her future. That is a decision that has haunted and will continue to haunt me for the rest of my existence, but you cannot for a second believe you are at fault for it. You tried to tell me otherwise, you tried so hard.

"I couldn't…" I paused and took an unneeded breath. I knew my sister needed to hear my reasoning, no matter how much it hurt to say out loud. "I couldn't even fathom bearing witness to her life through your eyes. No matter how far I ran, I knew if you were seeing her future I would never be able to leave the range of my gift. To see her grief and pain after I left her would have been impossible. And then what would have become of me when you would have seen her move on?"

I heard Alice let out a small sigh. I knew she understood where I was coming from, but I still had more to explain

"I honestly and truly believed there would be no danger for Bella once we left. I was the most dangerous aspect of her life. Victoria was an obligation of mine, but I never actually saw her coming after Bella. I thought I was just being overprotective and paranoid when I tracked her. I never even considered the possibility that your sight could protect Bella."

Alice then remembered that fateful night I decided to leave Bella. Her begging and pleading with me not to leave. Telling me Bella wouldn't recover – that I wouldn't recover. I flinched at the memory and continued on.

"Victoria is very skilled at eluding pursuers. I'd almost say she has a gift at it. She also has the advantage of knowing our abilities too. The Denali clan put a lot of trust with Laurent; he knew every detail of our gifts – of your gift." I amended.

A small growl came from Alice before she sighed once again, "Laurent"

I couldn't help but echo her exact emotions. None of us even suspected him until we saw him in the woods. How all of us had been fooled into believing Victoria was working alone. And then to have her partner be Laurent! After he had made such an impression with our sister family in Denali.

"None of us knew." I reassured her.

"But Bella." her tiny voiced cracked.

"We'll deal with that when the time comes." I said as I hugged her closer.

It was at this moment when I knew what I had to do. If it took me the rest of Bella's life, I would try to convince her how I was a fool. If anything I need her to know that Alice was not involved. As much as my cold heart broke at the thought of Bella hating me, I couldn't fathom knowing that her hatred extended to the rest of my family, Alice especially.

--*+*--

**Bella's POV**

I had been awake for a few minutes but had yet to open my eyes. The familiar beeping of the machines next to me confirmed I was still in the hospital. I took a few more moments to remember everything when I felt a new pain in my left arm. That's when it all came flooding back – the surgery.

I opened my eyes and saw Charlie sitting beside me with a weak smile. He looked absolutely dreadful, it was hard to believe looking at him that I was the sick one. I smiled weakly and noticed that for the first time in a long time I could feel myself moving. My body no longer had that detached feeling, but now I felt a dull throb everywhere.

"The surgery was a success of course." Charlie gestured at my arm. As I turned to look at my new cast I felt the muscles in my neck strain at the movement. This extended period lying in bed was not helping any.

"Ow." I sighed.

"They're starting to take you off the major painkillers. They said they may need to play with the dosage to help with the pain. Do you want me to call the nurse?" He said slightly panicked as he began to get out of his chair.

"No, No!" I stuttered quickly. He sat down, but still looked at me questioningly.

"Are you sure? If you're in pain they can give you something to help you sleep?"

At the mention of sleep I felt the familiar tug of my heart. Sleep was definitely something I didn't want to do anymore. Especially on heavy medications. All the dreams had been so lucid so real. Just the memory of them caused my brain to question whether or not they had happened. And I was tired of questioning my sanity. I'd rather stay awake so I could figure out what had happened and prepare for the worst.

I took a quick and silent inventory in my head. I was still alone. The Cullen's were gone; there was no one here to protect me.

"No Dad. They give my nightmares, I'd much rather stay awake."

Nightmares? Was that what they were? If anything the realization that they were dreams was the real nightmare. The here and now was the nightmare. I could have sworn Alice had been in this very room, telling me how sorry she was and it was all just a big misunderstanding. Instead I lay in this stark white room with my father holding my hand feeling completely alone.

"Merry Christmas." Charlie whispered as he squeezed my hand.

My mind flashed to when I was in the hospital in Phoenix. Edward had been there holding my hand as I woke up. He was there to answer all my questions, to make me feel safe. But there was no safe feeling here. No one to comfort me and fill in all the holes my mind couldn't figure out. The hole in my chest exploded then and I wanted to scream. Instead I smiled and looked my dad in the eyes and whispered, "Merry Christmas Dad".


	11. Sacrifice

**A/N – Okay so it's been a really long time, and I apologize. But I have been working on this chapter pretty much the whole time, so I have never forgotten. Thanks as always to my wonderful beta Bookishqua and to my friend Annaz for always giving me *subtle* hints that I needed to update soon.**

**I would like to say thanks to all the amazing people who are reading and have sent me PM's during this absence. And also a hello to the crazy amount of people who just recently found this story. It would be wonderful if you could all leave some feedback :-)**

**It's been a crazy few months with me getting a new job and also going to a Twilight convention in Chicago. I got to meet Peter, Ashley and Justin and they were just amazing. I'm also going to be going to the big Twicon in Dallas in July.**

**So enough with my notes, enjoy this chapter and as always leave feedback as the more I get the more guilty I feel when I take longer to write haha**

**stressedasalways**

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_Mini Recap_

Bella has just recently regained consciousness after her encounter with Victoria and Laurent. Alone and afraid she is trying to put together the pieces, unaware that at the same time so are Edward and the rest of the Cullen's.

_Previously in Chapter 10 – Stop & Stare_

_My mind flashed to when I was in the hospital in Phoenix. Edward had been there holding my hand as I woke up. He was there to answer all my questions, to make me feel safe. But there was no safe feeling here. No one to comfort me and fill in all the holes my mind couldn't figure out. The hole in my chest exploded then and I wanted to scream. Instead I smiled and looked my dad in the eyes and whispered, "Merry Christmas Dad"._

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I sat motionless in the hospital bed. First I distracted myself by looking at patterns in the stucco ceiling, then to the peculiar wallpaper that covered the walls. I stared at it hoping to see something that would distract me. Like the clouds in the sky I wished I could see from my bed, I tried to find shapes and pictures within the worn pattern on the wall. I wanted to do nothing more then shake my foot like I usually did in such an odd situation. But the movement would only cause my body pain. I ended up settling on moving my toes and watching them move through the blanket to a non-descript rhythm.

This was the last place I wanted to be. It seemed rather odd considering I still lay in the same hospital bed, in the same room I had been in for days. What made it utterly uncomfortable was the gentle man who sat patiently in a chair near the end of my bed. It had been close to ten minutes since he arrived and said a soft hello.

"Bella, I'm Dr. Anderson" he said quietly when he first sat down in the chair. He was much younger then most of the doctors I had dealt with. He was a mid size man with dark brown hair he didn't seem to know how to style. He wore glasses that I couldn't tell if he actually needed or if he was just wearing them to look older and more mature.

I needed no further introduction. I had been dreading this meeting since Dr. Gerendy and Charlie had let me know it was coming. My mind had raced trying to convince them it wasn't necessary. It was then that I wished Alice was around. She was excellent at coming up with plausible lies that matched peculiar circumstances. But the thought of Alice sparked a familiar pain in my chest that I pushed away to stay calm. So I took a deep breath and continued to concentrate on my wiggling toes.

I tried to not make eye contact. Curiosity got the better of me; I finally locked eyes with him. He gave a small smile and I instantly looked away. More silent minutes passed as I began to bite my lip.

"Was that long enough of an awkward silence for you?" Dr. Anderson said with a slight laugh. Something told me the silence was even more uncomfortable for him as it was for me. Out of the corner of my eye it had looked like he was doodling on his notepad. I saw through his plan right away, I knew he was trying to make me feel at ease. If only he knew there was no way he could. I looked up at him again and he took it as his cue to begin.

"Bella, I just want to start by saying this is a safe place. There is no right or wrong. Everything you say is in confidence and will never leave this room. There is no judging," he recited what I imagined to be a well rehearsed speech. No judging? Yeah I'm sure there will be no judging if I told you the truth, I sighed internally.

"Dr. Gerendy has filled me in on your medical history. It seems like you have been having a hard time. Can you tell me about it?" he asked while glancing between me and his notes. I stared at him blankly letting the words flow over me. I could see the realization on his face that he knew I was not going to make this easy on him.

"How about we start with a simple question. I am just curious if you have ever had a concussion before? Or anytime you can remember fainting or losing consciousness?" he asked trying to send me a calm vibe.

I had to wonder how he didn't already know that. He had just finished saying how he and Dr. Gerendy had talked about my medical history. The only thing I could think of was this was some kind of test. Seeing how I looked when I told the truth. I immediately felt nervous for the questions that would come.

"Some might say I'm a little clumsy." I said trying to hold back any emotions. He smiled slightly and nodded in recognition of my answer.

"Bella what do you remember about the accident?" he asked still keeping his voice in a steady calm.

"Nothing really."

"Do you remember leaving your bed? Your house?"

"No." I honestly couldn't remember much of when I left the house. Everything felt like it was in a thick haze. A dream within a dream.

Dr. Anderson gave a quick smile, more reassurance I was sure. "Can you think of any reason why you would go into the woods? Do you remember dreaming?"

"No," _unless you count the fact that I heard what could only be descried as a vampire's voice calling to me. And I was so delusional in hoping it was one of the Cullen's I allowed myself to follow the mysterious voice_. How could I have been so stupid? I knew those voices weren't the Cullen's. I silently berated myself, but Dr. Anderson continued to look at me, letting me know that my one word answer would not be enough for him. "It was like a dream…I was positive it was a dream."

Dr. Anderson nodded and I wondered what more I should say. I couldn't outright lie; I knew he could probably see right through that. A half-truth would have to suffice.

"I was cold. Very cold." I could feel my tears well up as the memory of the constant burn on my skin flashed in my mind. I shook myself from the thought before memories of the pain that came after flooded my head.

"Do you have dreams like this often?" he asked in a calming monotone voice. But I didn't listen to the question he asked, but the question he didn't. Dreams. Sleep. Sleep talking. I had been on heavy medications the whole time I was here in the hospital. My sleep was almost always drug-induced and heavy. I had come to dread almost every moment of it. The dreams, well, they were horrible. I didn't even want to recall them. But every time I awoke Charlie had always been unaware of my peril. I wasn't sleep talking at all. But what would happen when I was finally home and the ever present drugs released me from my silence? I could feel the panic as realization coursed through my veins. It was then I finally noticed the steady 'beep beep' of my heart monitor was beeping at a much more frequent rate.

I couldn't risk Charlie, or even Angela and Mile hearing what I may be saying. And if they did hear what I was saying I'd really get locked up for good this time. I had to wonder if someone _had_ heard what I was dreaming about. Maybe that is why they had all been so insistent on me seeing a shrink The fear took over every part of my body, and I let it show fully as I nodded my head at Dr. Anderson.

I could see him looking over me analyzing my every action as well as taking note of my increased heart rate. I only allowed my reeling mind to briefly consider the fact that Dr. Anderson could be using my heart monitor to try and decipher when I was lying. I could only hope he would do what I wanted, even though the thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach. My hands started to shake ever so slightly, so I played with my fingers hoping he wouldn't take notice.

"Bella can you tell me anything about these dreams you have been experiencing? Is there a recurring theme?" he asked. This time I could see the concern on his face.

Even though I didn't want to remember, the images came crashing into me. The woods, the cold, Victoria. I was always running, and she always caught up with me. In these dreams Victoria was always silent. She hunted and I served as her prey. I wasn't worthy of words or explanations. Nothing I did ever changed it. And then the pain, the agony that felt so real I wished it would end by any means. Suddenly I couldn't seem to catch my breath. It felt like I had been running for miles and now I couldn't breathe. And no one would ever understand. No one I could trust.

"Breathe in…….breathe out." The doctor's voice broke through. I closed my eyes and concentrated hard on mimicking the exaggerated breaths Dr. Anderson was doing. Slowly I found air again.

"I'm going to discuss with Dr. Gerendy about putting you on a sedative for when you go home. It should help you sleep more soundly, and also it would be a good precautionary action for your sleepwalking." He said as he scribbled on his notepad.

"Thank you." I whispered as I wiped the moisture from my eyes. I felt no relief. The dreams would continue but at least no one would know. I had to protect them when I could.

"How about we talk about something else for a little bit… How about your relationship with a boy named Edward?" Dr. Anderson asked trying to change the subject quickly.

The mere mention of his name felt like a kick to my gut. I closed my eyes and felt my fists clench. I tried to steady my breathing but I could hear it coming out in ragged breathes. If I wasn't so bruised and battered I would have curled into myself.

"Does that happen a lot?" he interrupted.

I opened my eyes and gave him a blank stare as he nodded and jotted something down in his notebook.

"Would you like to tell me more about him? Maybe how you two met?" he asked in his quiet voice.

I shook my head no. This was all so pointless! Sitting in this room, being evaluated like a science project. Being told I was crazy in soothing tones. Having to re-open wounds and memories that didn't need to be. For what? It's not going to help me. Victoria and Laurent are still out there, waiting for their chance to strike, and he wants me to talk about how Edward and I met? My frantic thoughts were interrupted by a warm hand grabbing my own.

"Bella, you need to calm down." He said soothingly trying to help me catch my breath. "Try to focus on what I'm saying. Picture a still pond. Focus on that image."

I did as he said. No sense in seeming crazier then he no doubt already believed I was. Once I had calmed down he removed his hand and again went back to his place in his chair.

"How do you even know about him?" I asked defensively. Why had Edward even come to the school? Why hadn't he stayed out of sight? I cursed him. Had he just stayed away maybe I wouldn't be here now. Dr. Anderson definitely wouldn't be asking so many questions about him.

"I had a brief conversation with your father. It was just to get a small history, and I made sure he didn't go into any details." Dr. Anderson tried to reassure. But I knew there was no way Charlie didn't go into details. They would have had to gag him to stop him from screaming at the top of his lungs that this was all Edward's fault.

"Bella." he said again, trying to get my attention. I hated the way he said my name. It rolled off his tongue in way that made it seem he was a good friend of mine and that he actually cared about my feelings. It was just so phony.

"Bella, how about you tell me about what happened in September?"

To my own surprise I found this subject to be one I could talk about. I hated the reason they left and still struggled to understand it. And just when I felt like I was starting to get a grip with my anger over it and build up hope they left again, shattering what little I had left. What didn't make sense was that they had abandoned me again. Leaving me alone, angry and confused. And grudgingly, I admitted that maybe talking about this as much as I hated to do it, would distract him from currently thinking I was insane. I could tell the truth about this without sounding nuts. He broke my heart end of story, just like any other normal teenage girl. I'd leave out the part about the vampire boyfriend.

"Bella?" he prodded. Dr. Anderson was definitely getting on my nerves.

"I lost my way in the woods." I said in a tone that showed my irritation with this process. He gave me another look, trying to tell me to elaborate the story. I instinctively gave the same story I always gave.

"Edward's dad took a job in L.A. It was very sudden and unexpected, and he told me and had to leave right away."

"Why did you go into the woods?"

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Not at all,"

"Do you have a daughter?"

"I do, she's a year younger than you. Why do you ask?"

"How do you think your daughter would feel in my place? I dated him for months quite happily. On that day in September, we had walked close to the trail near my house when he told me. I…I….was shocked. I decided to try and catch up to him to ask him more questions but it started to get dark and I lost my way." Tears started to run down my face and furiously I wiped them away forcing myself to continue, "Then I felt overwhelmed and sat down and started to cry. I couldn't believe he just left me like that. One day he loved me the next day he told me he didn't love me that I wasn't good enough for him and made it clear he never wanted to see me again. So I cried. I don't remember much after that…I remember being found." I started to feel overwhelmed as Dr. Anderson continued to press the issue of everything Edward related. These were things I had only ever talked to Angela and Charlie about, and even then they only knew the bare minimum, if that. Alice and the Cullen's were the only ones I had ever been truthful too.

I looked as Dr. Anderson scribbled some more in his notepad. I wonder what he wrote? I wonder what his years of education and expertise are telling him about me. I almost felt bad for him. I was sure he thought quite highly of himself. I'm sure all his patients lie to him. He's probably very good at connecting the dots for them. Somehow I doubted he was writing _'Dated vampire, family abandoned her, left to die by the hands of another coven.' _Even in my insane situation the thought make me snicker in my head.

"How did that make you feel?"

"How did it make me feel? What kind of question is that? Have you ever been suddenly dumped by someone you loved?" I snapped back. I could feel my eyes begin to burn as my anger formed tears.

When he didn't respond I quickly turned my attention back to my toes. I wiggled them as violently as I could without causing pain as we sat in silence for minutes. Silence and I were good friends and I had no problem using it to make _him_ feel uncomfortable instead of the other way around. It had to have been close to ten minutes when Dr. Anderson gave in and broke it.

"Bella, I know these things are hard to talk about. And I don't expect you to tell me everything during our first session. But the things that are hard to talk about are usually that way because they need to be talked about. You can't hold all these feelings inside. It's not healthy."

Only one word caught my attention in his spiel.

"_First_? As in there is going to be more?" My anger boiled over and I could feel the tears fall down my face. This only made me angrier that I was crying in front of him. Again. I had just spilled my guts about the most painful day of my life and he wanted to repeat that?

"Yes Bella. There will be more. I think even you can see that you need to discuss some of these things."

I covered my face with my good arm.

"We'll stop here for today. I'm going to have a discussion with Dr. Gerendy and then he will come and talk to you and your father about what the plan will be…Bella I want to be clear and honest with you so you are prepared for what's going to happen. I think you are suffering from depression, and it looked like you had panic attacks right here with me. I'm going to be recommending medication and treatment for both. I don't want you to feel scared though, everything is going to be okay Bella. Both are easily treated. I know you don't feel like it right now, but things will get better, and I'll help you reach that point."

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**EDWARD'S POV**

"Edward don't even think about saying what you're about to say" Alice said sternly from across the small storage room. She swiftly got up and came by my side, "What is the doctor thinking?" she asked.

"Dr. Anderson is not sure if he believes her. He thinks she may be embarrassed to talk about what she was dreaming at the time."

"And what do you think?" Alice asked.

I concentrated my thoughts back to what was happening in the room and was mortified by what I saw through his eyes. Bella was in tears. Fear written all over her face. The doctor was holding his composure but his thoughts took a few moments to focus. I could hear Bella's heart monitor increasing rapidly.

'_Oh dear. She has more issues then Dr. Gerendy believed. Maybe I can help her out. Me and Dr. Gerendy had discussed the possibility of a sedative for the sleepwalking._ _But with the dreams…I think that is the only way for us to proceed.'_

And then I felt my whole world shatter as I saw Bella practically beg with her eyes and tears for narcotics.

"This can't be real." I questioned to no one.

"What's happening?" Alice begged as the room was silent upstairs.

"The doctor is thinking about putting Bella on sedatives to help her sleep. And Bella is agreeing with him! Bella! Bella who refused medication after James. I had to push the button for the nurse for her! I couldn't even get her to take aspirin when she had a headache" I said unable to process how this was coming to be.

"Edward, don't say it."

"But I have to Alice. Look what has become of her! I can't think of anything except how this whole situation is my fault. Every time I think I can get past it- that we can get past it – that she can get past it. I see the pain she is in and…"

"Edward I don't know how many times we can have this conversation! This can't be about us anymore. We are _all_ feeling the pain you are. Believe me! I don't even need to ask Jasper how everyone is feeling because it's pretty clear to see. I know how difficult this is for you, but the more information we have the more we will understand what's she's been through.

"Edward," Alice continued dropping her voice to a more gentle level. "You have to stop being so self-absorbed."

"What are you talking about Alice?" I asked with irritation in my voice. Self-absorbed? I had been anything but!

"You are so busy beating yourself up about the would have, could have, should haves that you're not any help to anyone. Bella doesn't need to know the 'what if's', and neither do we. You need to concentrate on the here and now and how to make it better. And sitting around her beating yourself up does not mean you are taking responsibility for your behavior in creating this mess in the first place. You broke her. We all broke her. Now we have to help her."

I concentrated on her words for a moment before pushing them aside. I knew she was right, but I couldn't think about it now when I was trying to hear what was happening with Bella. We both sat in silence as we concentrated once again on listening to what was happening with Bella and the doctor.

The only sound was Bella's heavy breathing. I looked at Alice and could see panic in her eyes. I wanted nothing more then to be able to tell her everything was okay. But I knew there was no sense in even attempting to break it easy to her.

"Bella's hyperventilating thinking about the dreams she has been experiencing. Dr. Anderson believes she is having a panic attack, and I would have to agree with his diagnosis." I sighed in defeat as I continued to concentrate on Bella.

When Bella had finally calmed down the doctor asked her about me. The sound of name seemed to bring out a similar reaction in both of us. Seeing the pain on her face only reconfirmed how Bella thought of me. Each moment spent away from her not having a chance to redeem myself in her eyes was excruciating.

The memory of Bella running behind me as I left her that awful night crushed my non-beating heart. I knew Bella was going to be stubborn. I knew she would try to stop me. But even when I heard her behind me I assumed she would stop. I was running at top speed and was gone within moments. I was so focused on playing my role, making sure she believed I no longer needed and loved her, I missed it. I had expected Bella to fight, but she accepted it almost instantaneously. Horrible images coursed through my mind fueled by the memories of others I has seen. Bella wandering in the woods lost and alone; becoming catatonic. I should have stayed close and made sure she made it home safely. I should have done a lot of things differently. And like a brick wall it hit me. Alice's words, my own thoughts, the memories and thoughts I had seen from Charlie, Angela and Mike. I had been so focused on my own pain, on my own guilt I had yet to really focus on Bella. She was in pain, emotionally and physically. Bella has been on her own since I left that day. How strong she must have been!

Bella's crying, once again, broke my thoughts. Dr. Anderson had just informed her that they would be meeting again. How Bella had not seen that surprised me, she was usually so observant. I had to wonder how much was due in part to the heavy medications she was on. Even though I knew exactly what Dr. Anderson was going to do with Bella, it still felt like a swift blow as he told her aloud for the first time that he would be putting her on anti-depressants.

"Well that was excruciating." Alice sighed. "Did you pick up anything useful?"

"Dr. Anderson is pretty straight forward. He wasn't thinking anything that he didn't address or plans to address with Bella."

"What about her? You were always so good at reading her face."

"She's not telling him everything. She knows more then she's saying. And she's scared."

"You should go Edward. You haven't fed in a while. Your eyes are pitch black."

"No. I will stay here."

"Edward! Focus on her needs. You feeding means you're more effective, and if you want to see her you can't show up with pitch black eyes. She's already been terrified by vampires enough for one lifetime. Things are moving quickly now. You may be seeing her any day now. And her seeing you like this isn't going to help anyone. Besides I know the few times you've found her scent within these walls has not been easy on you, never mind the scents of just the other humans."

I couldn't fight Alice on that. An orderly who had helped Bella get comfortable in her bed had walked by the storage room and my throat and mouth had instantly pooled with venom.

"Leave...Feed…Clear your head." She pushed me out of the storeroom while her thoughts continued to tell me, '_I will be here to keep an eye and I will call Esme to help. Carlisle is still in the building too._'

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**BELLA'S POV**

I kept my eyes tightly closed as I waited for Dr. Gerendy to arrive. I didn't want to have to see Charlie's face as he was told I had lost my mind. The door to my room was nothing if not loud. God forbid a patient could get some sleep without being woken up every few hours by some nurse checking vitals. Right now, however, I was extremely thankful for the familiar 'thud' as Dr. Gerendy entered my room. Even with my eyes closed in a fake slumber I could sense both Charlie and the doctor looking at my still form. Charlie was no doubt debating whether or not to wake me for this conversation.

'Let me sleep.' I begged Charlie in my head. Somehow hoping he could hear my silent plea. To my relief and surprise Charlie began to speak without waking me up.

"So?" Charlie whispered in a combination of anxiousness and fear.

"Dr. Anderson agrees with my diagnosis." Dr Gerendy also whispered as I heard the sound of the two men walking towards the door of my room. I could feel the smugness of Dr. Gerendy. His words were laced with an 'I told you so' attitude.

Charlie let out a sigh and I wished I could see his face. Was he relieved I actually had a 'disease'? That he hadn't messed me up? Or was he scared now that this was real and he could no longer deny it?

"Bella was a little unresponsive today, but Dr. Anderson is quite confident Bella has been having panic attacks. It fits; all the other tests we did all came back normal." The doctor finished his voice a little louder as they now seemed to be just outside my room.

Even with my eyes closed I knew what Charlie was doing now. Through the silence I could hear his mouth opening and closing, trying to form words and speak.

"What….ugh….It really explains everything?" Charlie finally got out.

"Yes." the doctor said with that same smugness I was sure Charlie wasn't taking notice of. "Now as far as our treatment plan goes…"

I wished I could feel the sense of relief Charlie was feeling. Instead I felt empty. There were so many unanswered questions and no one to answer them for me. I could see how the dots connected, how it made a lot of sense for me to be having panic attacks. Maybe it was even true. Everything _did_ fit, except the biggest factor. There was no sleepwalking and accidentally getting hurt in the woods. I had been lured and attacked. I had been abandoned. I could feel my chest throb as I tried to keep my composure of fake sleep as Charlie and Dr. Gerendy continued to talk about my treatment plan and how he would be sure to return later when I was awake to explain it all to me.

I zoned his words out as my body longed for sleep, but I denied it with all the strength I could muster. My drugs were currently lighter in preparation for me going home, and the sedatives Dr. Anderson had promised had yet to be brought to my room. I used this time to go over all my dreams; trying to distinguish if that's what they had all been. I could remember Victoria being in this room. Was it real? Had she made it in? That thought kept me awake easily as I waited for Charlie and the doctor to stop talking.

--*+*--

**EDWARD'S POV**

I sat still as stone in the snow, taking a minuscule amount of pleasure in the news that had just been given to me. Carlisle had called me telling me what I had been waiting and expecting to hear; the hospital was abuzz that the chief's daughter would finally be going home tomorrow. It would be so much easier for my family and me to keep a better eye on her when she was home. Also, this was the first step in this ugly situation moving forward. Every discussion and plan of talking to Bella all started with how we needed to wait until she was doing better and out of the hospital, and that day was almost here. I pictured my love's face, waiting for the day I could see it with my own eyes again and not through the minds of others. To no longer hide in the wretched storeroom eavesdropping on countless minds looking for any minuscule amount of information. My mood quickly soured as I thought once again of one of the last times I had seen Bella. She had looked at me differently then I had expected her to. This thought was quickly broken by a flash of a thought one of my family members had not intended me to see. I was off and running back to the house before the two-second flash had even ended.

"Tell me" I demanded as I arrived into Jasper's study.

"Edward, you're not going to be happy." Jasper tried to convince me while working hard to block out his thoughts.

"Because I am so happy now?" I retorted bitterly.

Jasper let out a small sigh as his thoughts suddenly flooded into me. I refused to believe what my brother's thoughts were showing me and I quickly found myself behind his desk looking at the computer screen. But it was all there. The words stabbing me a million times over. I kept looking up at her name, _Isabella Marie Swan_, to get confirmation that this wasn't a mistake. The latest reports were dated yesterday, the most recent from Dr. Gerendy and the other from Dr. Anderson. I knew what his report would entail and I felt my world stop. I wasn't sure why it seemed so unreal. I was almost positive I knew exactly what it would say. I opened up his notes quickly as my fears were confirmed.

I felt my heart sink as I hung my head in my hands in front of the screen. I felt Jasper's touch on my shoulder and was surprised I did not feel his gift as well.

"Edward. What did you really think was going to happen here? Firstly you heard exactly what happened when she was with the doctor and you heard and saw what she went through while we were all gone. And then what happened in the woods…"

That phrase "in the woods" was one I was increasingly coming to loathe. Even though I knew Jasper was referring to Victoria and Laurent's recent attack; I couldn't help but go back to when I had left her in the woods. Jasper stopped for a moment, no doubt pushing back his own feelings of that failed night.

"It's not like she could tell them what really happened. We don't even know what happened."

"Maybe I should go back to the hospital…"

"No!" Jasper replied firmly, "Alice, Esme and Carlisle are there now. There is no need for you to be there, too. You can go tomorrow when she's home…when it's easier. Besides you could use another hunting trip."

"Fine" I reluctantly agreed knowing I could easily sneak back there later. "What about Victoria?" I asked attempting to change the subject.

I could instantly see Jasper go slightly stiff. As much as it angered all of us on a personal level that Victoria had escaped, it was especially painful to Jasper. I had heard his thoughts throughout these few weeks. All revolving on how he felt he had failed his family. He had spent the bulk of his vampire life being the handler of vile things such as Victoria. He was the one in charge of getting rid of vampires when their presence was no longer needed. We had all assumed Victoria as an easy threat. None of us ever expected her to be capable of what she had done, and then to escape from our grasp so easily. It seemed like such an impossible turn of events. Her evading me, although a knock to my own pride was acceptable. But her escaping from my whole family, especially Jasper seemed impossible. I knew whatever I was feeling must have been so much bigger to Jasper.

"To evade us all like that. There must be something we are missing." I noted and could see Jasper thinking even more.

"I _will_ find her Edward. I promise you and Bella if it takes me all of eternity I will find her" he promised.

"How is Alice doing? She's been distant from me." I asked him. I'm sure he could hear the sadness in my voice. Alice had been keeping her thoughts blocked from me ever since she kicked me out of the hospital.

"She's…anxious."

"Has she seen something?"

"No." he sighed. "With all the medications Bella's on she hasn't been making any clear decisions for Alice to read. And Alice is so concerned about Bella's well-being she can't commit to visiting her just yet, so she can't see how Bella would react.**.**." He said as he gave me a slight look.

We sat in silence as Jasper went over everything in his head. Analyzing every move, every mistake. Trying to piece together what had been done wrong, and what he could take from it to capture Victoria the next time.

His thoughts stopped at Laurent and I instantly hung my head in shame. Why had I allowed my animal instincts and anger to take over myself? Laurent was in my grasp, and with him all the answers we needed. I could sense Jasper analyzing the waves of emotion I was giving off.

"Why do you feel so much shame?" Jasper asked. I could see in his thoughts, he understood most of the emotions he felt these past few days, but this one baffled him.

"Laurent." I whispered and I knew he knew why I was feeling the way I did.

"Edward you can't blame yourself for that." Jasper said quietly.

"But Jasper." I paused closing my eyes tightly, "He was right there. He knew everything. This all could have been finished. All this worry and guilt."

"You would still feel guilty. Nothing would change that." Jasper said. "Edward… Had Alice been the one in trouble, even with all my tactical knowledge from before, and with the numerous discussions we've had since... I would have killed him a lot sooner then you did." We both stood awkwardly trying not to make eye contact over these images.

I took what little relief I could in his words. I knew he spoke the truth. Had it been Alice who was being tortured, Laurent wouldn't have even had seconds to see Jasper appear. It would have been quick and as painful as Jasper could make it. But as we sat in this dreaded silence of unknowing; Where was Victoria? Was there anyone else working with her? Would she come back? I couldn't help but to feel I reacted too instinctively, and I should have known better.

"You get to see Bella soon. Take some solace in that." Jasper tried to calm me down.

'_Edward! We found something_!' Emmett was shouting from his thoughts as he ran quickly towards the house.

"Emmett and Rosalie found something!" I told Jasper as we both quickly made our way to the living room.

"What did you find?" Jasper asked with his southern accent coming out fully as he took on his familiar role of Major.

It was then that Rose came into the room throwing a box of clothes on the floor. My clothes. Covered in my scent.

"Where did you find these?" I asked as my anger coursed through me. Having my earlier hypothesis confirmed.

"We have been doing a gridline in the forest. We've come across her scent many times, but they've all led to nowhere. Until today. We found her scent as well as Laurent's both heading in the same direction, which made it stand out right away. In all our hunting we have yet find their scents together. The seemed to be pretty smart is staying separate. But it appears they did have a common place. About 20 miles north of here we found a small cave, and the clothes were there." Emmett explained.

"Did you…" I began to ask, but Rose cut me off.

"The scent was old. The last time Victoria was there Laurent was there with her. She hasn't been back since. We followed a few of her scent trails. One led to Seattle. That was probably where she and Laurent were feeding to not draw attention to themselves here."

I could hear Jasper's mind going through many different scenarios, but I wanted everyone to hear it.

"What are you thinking Jasper?" I asked him as I nodded slightly to Emmett and Rose.

"Well I think you are definitely right about the Seattle thing. We know just based on what Bella had told us they had to have been watching her for at least three weeks. And Victoria and Laurent would have needed to feed many times, especially being in such close proximity to Bella." Jasper explained.

"But I still don't understand what is with the clothes?" Rose asked.

"It's a basic hunting trick to use scents to fool animals – humans do it all the time when hunting deer. They took the one thing that Bella would recognize and tried to toy with her and us. If Bella hated you or resented you, then smelling your scent every night would upset her and possibly make sleeping even more difficult. If Bella loved you, then smelling you every night in her dreams would be just as much torture. It also has the benefit that they wanted to let _us_ know what they had done. We'd smell their scent once we knew how to recognize them." Jasper said as he pulled the pieces together. His thoughts continued to go over more theories and options. He had much more research he wanted to do on Victoria.

"I think Jasper is right. There were flashes that I got from Laurent that I couldn't quite understand. But that would certainly clarify them." I said as I remembered one small memory that Laurent had showed me in his panic, "The joy he saw in Victoria's face as she was wearing my clothes. I couldn't understand why she would react that way. We had assumed the main reason for the clothes had been for us. So we wouldn't know it was her. But that had made little sense when she had left her hair in my closet. The fact it would confuse us was just a pleasant bonus. The real reason was to torture Bella, and as Jasper had said, no matter what Bella's mindset may have been, torture is exactly what it would have been."

We all stood in an angered silence as we all understood more of what had happened.

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" Jasper asked finally breaking the silence, upset I had not filled him on this.

"Sorry Jasper. I've only just recently started to really go back and try to sift through all the thoughts."

"Well at least we know Victoria isn't looking for a fight. She never planned on us coming back in time. It seems obvious her plan was to do what she was going to do to Bella and take off." Rose said with some relief.

"It doesn't matter Rose what she's looking for. We are going to be bringing the fight to her." Emmett said ready for his chance.

--*+*--

**Bella's POV**

"Ow, ow" I winced.

"Sorry Bells" Charlie said with concern as he helped me into my own bed.

I let out a deep sigh of relief as I finally lay down and the throb in my ribs began to die down. No sooner did I find a comfortable position Mike and Angela entered my small room. Charlie gave me a nod as he left the room and I heard him go down the stairs and turn on the TV. I knew it must have been a huge relief for me to be back in his house once again.

"Welcome home!" Angela exclaimed with a huge smile that seemed to brighten the entire room.

"Must feel good." Mike commented as he trailed behind Angela with flowers in hand.

"It does…I definitely will not be missing the nurses coming in and poking and prodding me." I said with a small laugh as I rubbed the sore spots where my IV line had been.

"So when will you be back in school? It's not the same without you." Mike asked.

"Um, I'm not sure. I think a week or two. With the ribs and all Charlie wants me to have lots of time to heal."

"Whoa! No way!" Charlie's voiced echoed from downstairs. I saw Mike's eyes light up as to what could be happening in the game before he silently whispered 'be right back' and ran down the stairs to see for himself.

"What happened?" I could hear Mike ask before Angela interrupted my snooping.

"So." she said.

"So…" I trailed off.

"How are you _really _doing?"

"I'm fine." I automatically responded. She stared at me with a look that told me she didn't want the lies I had been telling everyone else.

"Ok!" I gave up in surrender. "It still hurts a lot. I will be very happy when these ribs have healed."

"And what about that shrink? Charlie mentioned they want you to see him. What was his name?"

"Dr. Anderson. Ugh I don't even want to talk about that. He thinks I'm crazy or something. I don't want to have to talk with him every week. He thinks I was hallucinating when I went out into the woods." I said with a laugh.

"What did happen in the woods?" She asked seriously now. That's when I realized I had made a big slip that I needed to try and recover from. I felt horrible. Angela was the only real friend I could confide in, and here I was once again forced to lie to her. I wished I could just open my mouth and tell her everything, right from the very beginning.

"It hurts to even think about it and I have a hard time remembering what actually happened from what I dreamt…I must have been sleepwalking."

"You really don't remember anything that happened out there?"

"It's really a giant blur." I tried to keep a relaxed expression on my face as the lie spewed unnaturally from my lips. I could see Angela's face make a quick look that told me she didn't fully believe me. But it seemed she wasn't going to press me any further…for now. I think she knew this was not the place. Mike and Charlie were not that far away watching the game. Not that I could tell her much more, but she was smart enough to know I wouldn't say anything if I thought they might hear.

"Well I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is that you're getting better."

I couldn't help but hear the two meanings in her words. Did she mean physically or whatever mental illness she now thought I had. She seemed uneasy around me. I wonder if she put some blame on herself for not saying something to Charlie or anyone else of my episodes when I thought Edward was after me. I couldn't think of any words to comfort her though. She had done nothing wrong. I would still be in this same situation no matter what she could have done.

But bringing up my time with Dr. Anderson reminded me of something. No one except for him had even mentioned the Cullen's. The whole school had seen Edward, and most of the town had seen the others. What was the story? Where had they gone?

"Angela?"

"Yes."

"Where did the Cullen's go?"

"Excuse me?" she seemed taken aback by my question.

"They were back in town before the accident. And......" I struggled to quickly come up with an excuse. "And I can't see Alice not calling if she heard what happened." It seemed like a good enough reason to ask. As soon as I said it I realized how much I wanted to know the real answer and not the fake one that had been spread around the community while I was in the hospital.

"Oh, well the story going around town is that Dr. Cullen was called back to Los Angeles for an emergency, and Mrs. Cullen wasn't going to spend the holidays without him... so they all went back." She said slowly and quietly.

Something about the way she said it seemed off, but before I could question her further suddenly Mike and Charlie were at my door. The game must have ended.

"Well, it's time for Bella to get some rest I think. You can both visit after school tomorrow. I'm sure she would love the company." Charlie said.

I smiled at both Angela and Mike as they said their goodbyes and headed home.

Charlie gave me an uncomfortable smile. I knew he loved me to pieces, but knowing what to say as I lay in my bed broken was not one of his specialties. But to be fair I don't think it was something a lot of people could do. As he looked at me in an uncomfortable silence I took the moment to look around the room. It was nice to see the familiar sights. The walls, the rocking chair, my decrepit computer, the window.

"Ugh, Dad?"

"Yeah Bells."

"What is that on my window?" I asked confused looking at the small addition...

"Um, well. Me and the doctor talked about the sleepwalking. He thinks the pills will help, but I was a bit concerned if they didn't. So as a back-up I sort of sleepwalked proof the house."

"What?!"

"Well I um found some window-locks. And Billy and the boys down on the reservation helped me build a gate for the stairs…"

"You had them make a baby gate?" I asked with a small laugh.

Charlie let out a laugh which filled me with relief. I wanted him to know that I was okay. Although I did feel a little offended and looked down on, but I knew Charlie was trying to only do what was best for me. If only he knew my biggest concern was not falling down the stairs in my sleep, but someone coming in.

"It's not a _baby _gate. The boys made it tall enough so you won't trip over it and fall down the stairs. It's only temporary, just until things get settled. Now get some sleep Bells. Good to have you home. Make sure tomorrow you stay up here. I'll leave everything you need up here and I will come home at lunch to check in on you." He said as he left my room and closed the door behind him.

Finally I was alone. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. I was home. Things smelled right here. I no longer could taste the antiseptic that burned my throat in the hospital. The lighting was soft and more natural. The fluorescents in my hospital room always hurt my eyes.

The feelings of comfort were soon quickly replaced by fear. I was home. There were no security cameras and people checking up on me. The safety of the hospital and the constant flow of people were gone. The only person here now was Charlie. Like that stopped them the last time. What monsters would come out when the dark took over this room? And in the mornings I would be all alone. Charlie would be at work, and I would be a sitting duck. No where to run, no to one to call for help.

I felt the steady stream of tears fall down my face silently as the realization sunk in fully. It was only a matter of time now. What was her plan now? She had left me to die. But I had survived. Maybe that was her plan all along. To injure me, and let me suffer with the pain of not only my injuries, but knowing it wasn't over. Death wasn't a scary thing. Not as scary as knowing it would be as painful as possible. And that it was going to come at anytime. This was all a game to her. I was a toy her and Laurent had decided to play with. She had said she would make it quick, that it was all about revenge for James and Edward. But that was all a lie. She had been watching me for weeks; she knew the Cullen's didn't care. And she had let me live, so she could continue to play with me.

How many days would she let me sit here and wait for death? Was this all part of her plan too? I quickly took my sleeping pill and covered my face with my blanket. I soon fell into a restless sleep filled with horrible dreams and the real pain of my arm and ribs.

The sun was bright against my raw eyelids. As I moved to rub my head a sharp pain shot up my ribs.

"Ow" I cried.

I finally opened my eyes and saw on my bedside table was some water and my painkillers. Charlie had obviously left them for me before he headed to work. I could also see a note folded beside it. As I sat up to reach for my pills my head began to spin and throb. I laid my head back down trying to stop the nausea and the room from spinning. I recalled something the nurse had said as I was leaving, something about when I got home my concussion may show more aggressively since I wouldn't be on my IV painkillers. I took in deep equal breaths to calm my head but as I did it only caused the pain in my ribs to stab me over and over. I could feel a silent tear roll down my cheek as I once again opened my eyes to try and figure out a way to get my painkillers.

Just as I began to get the nerve to try and reach for the bottle I stopped breathing completely. The smell. I knew it. Sweet. I would never forget it – and it was here – in my room. I could feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest. Suddenly the pain and dizziness were pushed to the background by my absolute terror. So this was it. She wasn't going to let me sit and wonder. She was here, right now. And I was a wounded target. Me putting up a real fight was useless when I was healthy; today the thought was almost laughable, if it wasn't so horribly real. Ignoring every pain in my body I slowly turned my head to look at the door and the figure that stood within its frame. I would face this with what little strength I had. I couldn't close my eyes and wish it away, I needed to face it and see how it would end.

"Bella" the voice whispered my name.


	12. Uncertainty

**A/N – Thanks again to my beta ****Bookishqua****. She is absolutely diabolical! A bit of a delay in the posting of this as I had a major power outage one weekend which really killed my writing time. Thanks also to Annaz for even more subtle hints **

**Mizra was amazing enough to make a banner for this story. I have linked it in my profile.**

**Feedback please? *puppy dog eyes* It makes me write faster**

**stressedasalways**

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_Previously in Chapter 11 - Sacrifice_

_Just as I began to get the nerve to try and reach for the bottle I stopped breathing completely. The smell. I knew it. Sweet. I would never forget it – and it was here – in my room. I could feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest. Suddenly the pain and dizziness were pushed to the background by my absolute terror. So this was it. She wasn't going to let me sit and wonder. She was here, right now. And I was a wounded target. Me putting up a real fight was useless when I was healthy; today the thought was almost laughable, if it wasn't so horribly real. Ignoring every pain in my body I slowly turned my head to look at the door and the figure that stood within its frame. I would face this with what little strength I had. I couldn't close my eyes and wish it away, I needed to face it and see how it would end. _

"_Bella" the voice whispered my name._

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**BELLA'S POV**

My head spun with dizziness as I focused on the figure in the doorway. There was no way this was real, it made no sense.

"Esme?" my voice cracked.

I tried to sit up, not even thinking of my injuries. My ribs stabbed me with sharp pains and simultaneously the room began to spin as my stomach turned with the feeling of nausea, reminding me that sudden movements came at a cost. I recalled the nurse telling me that because of my concussion I may feel dizzy or nauseous but I honestly hadn't expected it to be so harsh. Before my head could once again hit my pillow, Esme was at my side with a cool cloth on my forehead.

"Shh." She whispered as her free hand headed towards me like she was going to rub my hair. She stopped herself as she realized touching my head was not the best thing to do. She then used her free hand to hold my hand. I was about to open my mouth to speak when she quickly and quietly beat me to the punch.

"Let me get your painkillers."

She helped me sit up enough that I wouldn't choke as she handed me my pills and the glass of water. Even with her gentle almost featherlike touch each movement sent pain through every nerve of my body. Then once again she helped me lie back down as she continued to hold my hand and keep the cold compress on my forehead.

Tears involuntarily sprung from eyes as a thousand emotions hit me all at once. Anger; how dare she just show up, come unannounced into my room, and then say nothing. She should be telling me how sorry she is. Not just silently treating me like her daughter. I wasn't her daughter anymore. Confusion; why was she here? How was she here? Why would she just appear and scare me? Was this even happening or was this all a hallucination or a dream? Fear; what if this was a hallucination? Did that mean someone else was in this room? Was this like when my brain had allowed me to imagine I was in the meadow with Edward instead of in the cold forest with Victoria? It had felt so real. The warmth of the sun, his strong arms protecting and soothing me. Meanwhile I was being beaten to a painful death! I felt myself go stiff with fear.

I couldn't trust anything anymore. My senses no longer belonged to me. This felt so real; but so had every other time I had seen someone. Even when I briefly closed my eyes I could sense her eyes looking at me. I could even smell her wonderful scent. But how could I know this is real at all? The scent was magical yet repulsive all at the same time. I couldn't help but remember the last time I had smelled it. I was so sure it was Edward. Every cell in my body had told me it was him. But it had been Victoria; I had been fooled. What if this was another trick?

But among all those scary feelings there were also some that gave me some hope. _If she was real, if this was real_… Comfort; I couldn't ignore how good it felt to have Esme, my almost mother, here taking care of me. She even wiped the tears that fell from eyes while almost silently humming a calming song. It took only a moment for me to recognize the song. It was her favourite that Edward had composed for her. It had to be real, it had to be Esme. I wanted it to be Esme, even as my head told me Victoria could have easily been watching and learned that song.

Calm down, I told myself, trying to stop the chattering of my teeth and trembling of my hands. If this was Victoria and my mind was trying to protect me I wasn't going to beg. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. And if this wasn't an attack… I needed to somehow try to relax my body and let the painkillers work there way through me. I concentrated on her humming and the rhythmic way she stroked my hand.. 172 strokes and what felt like twenty minutes later the nausea finally succumbed and the only feeling left was the butterflies in my stomach. The stabbing in my ribs had gone from a sharp pain to a dull throb that was already beginning to fade even more.

I slowly opened my eyes, hoping that the room would no longer be spinning. Esme looked down at me and even through all my fears and anger; I couldn't help but be comforted, even though my brain refused to believe this was real.

"How….what….I don't..." I stuttered completely unable to form sentences.

"I know Bella. I know you have a million questions, and I promise you I will answer as many of them as I can for you. But first, are you okay? Have your painkillers begun to work? I don't want you to be in any pain." Esme winced as soon as she finished, no doubt instantly realizing what she had just said.

"Okay?!" I asked both bewildered and repulsed she could even ask me such a question. I was the furthest thing from okay. The Esme I knew would _never_ ask something like that. But then again the Esme I knew would never leave me to be almost killed in the forest. This couldn't be Esme. It just couldn't.

Esme closed her eyes briefly, and I could sense she was ashamed at her choice of questions.

"Are you feeling less nauseous?" she asked just above a whisper.

I nodded slowly as she then slowly but expertly helped to re-arrange my pillows to help me sit up.

"Yeah." I whispered.

"Are you sure dear? I can get Carlisle to bring you something else to help. Please let me know." Esme said, her motherly instincts appearing to have taken over.

"Carlisle is here?" I asked shocked.

"Well he is at the hospital now, but he can get here very quickly if you require his assistance."

"Why?" I asked genuinely confused.

I blinked my eyes repeatedly, somehow hoping the action would help to focus my thoughts. I wiggled my toes like I did in the hospital, trying to focus on their tiny movements. _Both_ Esme and Carlisle were back. I couldn't imagine why, there was no reason. I wondered if they had left something behind at the house they had forgotten and had come back to retrieve it. Then they heard about me being injured and had come to check in on me.

Esme looked shocked and saddened by my response. I could see her struggling to respond. We looked at each other awkwardly until Esme seemed to find something to say.

"The others are here as well." She said reassuringly.

Others. I flinched at the word. It didn't matter how long it had been it still stung my heart. She wasn't saying who was here. Probably because she didn't want to have to leave out his name.

"Where?...What?" I asked still shocked at the entire situation. I still had no idea why any of them were here.

"They are close." She paused for a moment, "Very close."

Again tears fell from my face without me taking much notice. I knew barely anything more then I had known a few hours ago. A million questions danced in my head. In all my anger in the hospital I had imagined what I would do or say if I ever saw one of the Cullen's again. But as I looked into the caring eyes of Esme, concern written all over her face, I couldn't seem to continue to be angry. I wanted to. Even with the pain in my head I wanted to scream, to let out all the emotions and thoughts that had been stuck inside my head. But as Esme looked down at me I bit my tongue and tried to keep my anger in check… I needed a distraction.

"Victoria…Laurent?" I finally managed to get out. Esme grabbed my good hand, holding tightly while stroking circles with her thumb.

"Laurent…" she paused and I could see her struggle to come out with the words to say. "Is not a problem anymore." I could see an emotion come across her face that I couldn't decipher.

"Not a problem? Like he wasn't a problem before?" I asked shocked they had fallen for his tricks once again. She squeezed my hand even tighter.

"No, Bella. He's dead. He's never coming back." She comforted. Then a wave of relief came over me. I was safe. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. But…

"What about V—V--Victoria?" the fear clearly came through in my voice as I stuttered on her name.

Esme for the first time broke eye contact with me and looked out the window. It was an uncomfortable moment of silence before she once again locked eyes with me.

"She got away."

My fear quickly became terror. I wasn't safe. I would never be safe.

"You left!" I whispered as I took ragged breaths through my tears. Esme squeezed my hand tightly and I could see sadness overtake her features.

"I know." She whispered.

"You left me! You were here. You were all here. And you left! You left me alone! No one said anything to me. You were just gone. And then Victoria…" I stopped unable to continue, ripping my hand from Esme's grasp, and using it to cover my mouth to try and stop my sobs. Nothing made sense. Not a single thing. They had left me. With every dry sob pain coursed through my body reminding me exactly what they had done when they left me. "What did I ever do that was so terrible that you'd leave me to die? Is it because I'm just a human?"

"Oh no, Bella! No, no..." Esme said trying to comfort me. "I know it seems impossible right now for you to understand, but we never left you. We never intended for anything to happen to you. _Never_." She paused and tried to once again wipe the tears from my face, but I flinched away from her touch. "Maybe I am not the best person to answer the questions you have."

The words leapt from my lips in a defensive tone, "I don't want to see him!" I instantly said back at her. This was all just too much. I couldn't help but show the rage that coursed through me. I was shocked by the sound of my own voice. I barely recognized it. How could she just come into this room and act like none of it had happened.

"Okay. I understand that. What about Alice? She would love to see you." She replied with a small reassuring smile.

"No! I don't want to see her. I don't want to see any of you!" I cried. I couldn't understand why Esme kept suggesting I talk to someone else. As if any of them could make this make any sense. I couldn't even imagine seeing Alice. The thought of being in the same room as her hurt more then seeing Edward again. I had put so much trust in Alice. I could still vividly remember her being in this room with me. Telling me how leaving had been such a big mistake. How she should have never left me in the first place. Yet here I was, broken proof that she didn't keep her word. I couldn't imagine anything she could tell me that wouldn't make the betrayal any less true.

It was then I noticed Esme glance quickly at my window. Like she had heard something. They were all here. I didn't even think; my emotions took over my entire body. I whipped my legs from the bed and stood up quickly.

"Go away!" I shouted at the window, knowing they would hear me no matter how far from the house they may be.

It took only a moment before the adrenaline of my anger wore off and the pain it took to hop out of bed quickly became apparent. Before I could fall to the ground, Esme caught me and placed me gently back into my bed.

"You're all just going to leave again. What's the point?" I managed to say quietly gasping through the pain.

Esme's entire demeanour changed. Her voice while still gentle now had a stern edge to it. "We are not going anywhere Bella. We will be here. _Always_." She then started looking at my different prescriptions. She found whatever she was looking for and handed me a pill. As much as I didn't want to take it, the pain in my ribs and head was too much to take.

Once my head hit the pillow she began to rub soothing circles along my hand. Her voice once again back to its normal elegant tone. "You need to rest and heal. But I will be here. And when you wake up you will see that I am still here. I won't go anywhere. You are safe Bella. I promise you that." Was the last thing I heard as the drugs drifted me off to an unwanted sleep, hearing unbelievable words in a fairy tale of lies.

--*+*--

**ALICE'S POV**

I hated this. Waiting here in the woods, watching over the house. I should be inside. I should have been the one to talk to Bella. Jasper looked over at me questioning my emotions. While everyone else in the family was nervous or anxious, I was upset and possibly a bit jealous. He held onto my hand trying to be supportive.

I had been trying for weeks to see when I would see Bella. But my concern when would be the best time, and having a hard time reading her in her drug induced state had made it impossible. It was times like these when my power seemed useless. Edward already had decided he shouldn't be the first person to talk to her. Although I know he really wanted to be, this was one decision of his I actually agreed with.

Bella had been through a lot. She was going to have a lot of things thrown at her at this first meeting, and it was honestly best that he not be part of that equation. Emmett was too abrupt, so he couldn't be the one. And Rose…well none of us would do that to Bella. Jasper was considered briefly, but he didn't want to have to use his gift on Bella. And being put in such a high emotional state he wasn't sure if he could hold back. Carlisle had seemed like the logical choice, but he was actually the one who said it should be Esme. It did make sense for Esme to be the one to talk to Bella first. She was still hurt and having a mother was sure to help. Bella needed a mother now. Somehow even in Bella's state, she had managed to convince her mother over the phone not to come. Bella needed a mother's comfort. But still….I wanted so badly for it to be me.

"You will get your chance Alice. We all will." Edward whispered from the other side of the house.

We all were surrounding the Swan residence, much as we had been all night. We never really believed Victoria would do anything as she must have known we were all back, but we were not taking any chances anymore. Especially since I was unable to get any sort of read on her future. Victoria was nothing if not resilient. Now instead of watching for intruders, we were all waiting intently for Bella to wake up and Esme to talk to her.

I could hear all of us collectively hold our breath when we heard Bella say Esme's name.

From the sound of her voice and smell of her blood Bella was in a lot of pain. The room was silent except for small sobs as Esme waited for the painkillers to kick in.

Jasper squeezed by hand tightly. "Do you see anything now?" he asked me.

Jasper and I had both hoped that once the conversation was in the much more immediate future I would be able to get a better read on what would happen. I closed my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could. To my surprise I did get a much better read on Bella, even with the painkillers. But her mind was racing a mile a minute, with a million questions and pending decisions that there was no way to see where it would go.

"It's going to be okay." He whispered as he leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead.

And then it started. Bella asked about the vile Victoria and Laurent. Her reaction was pretty much what we expected.

"_You left me! You were here. You were all here. And you left! You left me alone! No one said anything to me. You were just gone. And then Victoria…"_

It still hurt to hear. I could see the pain on Jasper's face. To actually hear and see firsthand her anger and fear all in one. Even with all the pain I still wanted to be in that room. I wanted to hug her and let her look into my eyes. She would have to know that I would never intentionally hurt her.

Esme then brought up that Edward was close. I could see my brother's face turn to stone, hiding all is emotions.

"_She's still scared and hurt, Edward. We were expecting this."_ I told him through my thoughts.

It was then I got a read on Esme. She had decided to ask Bella if she wanted to see me. I couldn't help but begin to flutter, mentally jumping up and down waiting for my chance to spring to the window. Of course Bella would want to see me. She knows I would never lie to her, she knows she can trust me. I know I let her down, but she has to know that I am still her sister. No matter what.

"_No! I don't want to see her. I don't want to see any of you!"_

Jasper was quick to wrap me in a hug, something he wasn't prone to do in public. But he could feel the pain and guilt coming off of me. I couldn't help but let out a small whimper.

"_Go Away!"_

I buried my face in Jasper's chest trying to hide from everything. When I opened my eyes and shifted my head I saw Edward, Emmett and Rosalie all around me. I was surprised by how calm Edward seemed to be. Both Emmett and Rose looked slightly uncomfortable, not sure what they should say or do in such a situation.

Last night when we decided that Esme would talk to Bella, Edward had sat me down for a long talk. He had suggested that I should prepare for the worst. I had listened to him but had honestly found it laughable. Through all my guilt and sadness I had felt these past few weeks I had never thought that Bella would hate me. Human emotions were such a fickle and confusing thing. In my world love and trust were forever. I couldn't grasp how such feelings could change. I knew she would be confused and mad, but I was so sure I would be able to be back in her good graces. Now I saw how foolish that assessment had been. Edward had been right and was prepared for this.

"Alice, we knew this was a very large possibility." Edward tried to ration with me before pausing as we listened to Esme tell Bella she would not leave her. "We have to earn her trust back."

"She's upset Edward. But things will be better once she understands." I said

matter-of-factly. I just hated having to go through this; I wanted this horribleness to be over.

"Once she knows the whole story it will be better." Rosalie even tried to comfort me.

"And Esme will tell her. She may be mad at all of us, including Esme, but she still allowed her to help her. Esme will get through to her Alice." Edward said.

"Why is it so quiet?" Emmett asked.

"Bella overstrained herself so Esme gave her more of one of her heavier painkillers. It knocked her out." Edward explained.

I quickly glanced into the future and couldn't help but take the little opening I saw. I quickly got out of Jasper's arms and was running and jumping effortlessly into Bella's window. I could hear Edward hiss at me, but I didn't care.

"Alice." Esme said quietly slightly startled by my entrance.

I walked over to her and stood over where she sat beside Bella, still stroking her hand. I instinctively reached out to stroke Bella's forehead when Esme caught my hand in hers.

"You can't…her concussion." She explained. "What if she wakes up?" Esme asked me concerned now about my sudden appearance in Bella's room.

"She's going to be soundly asleep for at least an hour." I said.

I then sat cross legged on the floor, my chin resting on Esme's legs as I looked at Bella.

"I'm sorry; I just had to see her." I said to Esme as well as to my family who were listening intently from outside.

"I know." Esme whispered as she took her free hand and used it to stroke my hair just as she wished she could do with Bella.

This is where I was supposed to be. At Bella's side. Her best friend and sister forever. Even if she didn't want me here, I would be here whenever I could. Because I had to be. I needed to be. Bella needed me to be whether she realized it or not. Families didn't leave each other.

--*+*--

**BELLA'S POV**

I awoke with a start and couldn't help but expect the worst as I attempted to instantly sit up in bed.

"Whoa whoa kiddo. It's just me." Charlie said rushing to my side quickly.

"You scared me." I said trying to hide the pain that my fright had caused me.

"Sorry Bells. I just wanted to check in on you. I left you a note but I guess you didn't have a chance to wake up and read it."

I glanced at the table that still held the note, pills and water. They were all neat and in a row just like when I had gone to sleep last night, not scattered like someone had been going through them. Had Esme even been here? It had felt so real. Her touch, her voice, even my own emotions.

"Bella?" Charlie interrupted my thoughts. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I answered quickly trying not to let my emotions show. He looked at me concerned and I knew I had to give him some type of explanation. "Sorry. I'm just having bad dreams. It just takes me a few minutes when I wake up."

"We'll have to make sure to talk to Dr. Anderson about this." His concern obviously growing.

"I will." I nodded slowly not to move my head too much. As much as I didn't want to, it was clear his medications were not working. I was still having dreams, and these dreams felt a million times worse then the ones of Victoria.

At least with the Victoria dreams I knew where I stood. But a dream of the Cullen's returning? Of Esme just showing up in my room with promises that I was safe and that everything was going to be okay. The hope it gave me when she had said they had never left and she could explain everything. It was exactly what my heart wanted. The happy ending. The fairy tale. The logical reasoning that I somehow was missing that explained exactly why they had left me. How they were always there. But of course there was no reason, even my own dreams couldn't think of something.

It had felt so real. I wanted it to be real. Instead I was once again all alone, feeling like I had been abandoned all over again.

"I brought up some lunch for you. And you've been getting lots of get well cards from your classmates. I brought a few of them up here." Charlie said directing his glance to the cards on my dresser. I nodded barely glancing up to them.

"Are you sure you're okay by yourself? I could take a few more days off…" he paused no doubt thinking of the boredom of having to stay in the house while I slept. "Or I'm sure the school and Angela's parents would let her spend a few days here too."

"No, no." I answered quickly, even though I wanted it. Even the thought of Charlie sitting in my room, which would normally be awkward, was something I wanted. I wanted someone to be there; to hold my hand when I woke up to let me know it was all a dream. To shatter whatever hopes the dream had given me instantly rather then letting it fester like it did now. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. Victoria and Laurent were still out there and I needed to protect my father and friends at whatever cost. "I will talk to Dr. Anderson; we just need to figure out these medications."

"Okay, well you keep resting up. Angela and Mike will here after school." He said and awkwardly leaned down to kiss my forehead before remembering that it wasn't the best thing to do with my concussion. He smiled uncomfortably and I smiled back feeling awful that he had tried to reach out but couldn't. He then grabbed my hand like he was going to shake it before giving it a small squeeze, looking awkward and uncomfortable the whole time, before he left my bedside and made his way out.

I picked up the lunch that Charlie had left for me and unceremoniously took a quick peek before wrapping it back up in its brown bag. I debated taking another pill but the thought of another dream scared me senseless. But then I remembered what Charlie had said about Angela and Mike coming after school. If I didn't take the pill I might be sleep talking when they came back. With a sigh of dread I grabbed the pills to help me sleep and hoped this dream wouldn't be as painful.

--*+*--

**ALICE'S POV**

We sat again in silence while Charlie pulled into the drive and Esme walked up to me and Edward.

"Where are the others?" she asked

"Emmett and Rosalie are doing some more leg work. Seeing if they can find any more trails of Victoria." Edward responded.

"And Jasper is doing some more research." I told her, feeling sad not to have my husband at my side.

"There was no sense all of us just waiting around. Divide and conquer." Edward said and I couldn't help but sense how happy he was with himself. Like he had finally made a decision that was right. I gave him a small smile trying to reassure him it was. I wanted Jasper to be here, but him sitting and occupying me wasn't going to help. And Emmett and Rose felt much more productive when on the move, rather then just staring at Bella's house.

"Speaking of waiting around…" Esme started.

And instantly I saw the flash. She and Carlisle had been talking. He wanted to try and get things back to normal. The longer we hid around the more suspicious we were looking.

The whole town knew Carlisle was back at the hospital. As far as they knew Jasper, Rose and Emmett had graduated. But myself and Edward? We should be back in school. I was surprised I hadn't seen this coming; I must have been too concentrated on Bella.

Of course Edward had seen the whole thing through my eyes.

"Esme." Edward sighed.

She gave us both a quick look, used to the fact that many of her conversations never actually had to be spoken with us.

"Edward the town has been talking since before the accident. With us showing up before the holidays, and your appearance at the school…" we all flinched slightly at the reminder of that day. "And of course Carlisle and Alice being the ones who brought her to the hospital. We have to be very careful here. We have to keep up a normal appearance." She finished.

"And keeping a normal appearance would be me and Alice in school." He sighed closing his eyes momentarily.

'_It would be for the best_.' I told him through my thoughts.

"I know." He sighed again still upset that he knew that's what needed to done.

"This is a family discussion." Esme said with a slight smile at our private discussions.

"Sorry Esme." I told her.

"Can we just have a bit more time? I want to be able to talk to her myself." Edward asked even though he already knew what Esme's response would be.

"I know Edward, but we can't wait any longer without drawing even more unnecessary attention to our family. And we all saw Bella earlier. She needs more time before seeing you. Before seeing any of us." She added while glancing at me.

"But soon." I added almost for as much my benefit as Edward's.

I could see Edward trying to think of different arguments to bring up to Esme. But they all ended in us going to the school just as Esme and Carlisle wanted.

'_There is no point arguing Edward. It will only upset Esme, and we both know we are going to give in. They are right, us not being at school is only drawing suspicion. You can argue and debate all you want but you can't deny that.' _ I told him as the visions in my head showed him that they always ended with me and him in the school's office the next morning. _Besides, Esme has been going through a lot being with Bella. Let's not cause her any unneeded pain by arguing a point we know she is correct with._

He sighed in defeat. "Okay, okay. Alice and I will attend school tomorrow. Plus it would be beneficial for me and Alice to gather whatever information the students may have about Bella's behaviour."

I could see Esme smile with slight shock at how easy this conversation had been.

'_Thank you Edward. Esme has so much on her mind being the contact person for Bella. This is making her feel so much relief.'_

We once again waited in silence listening to Bella and Charlie's brief conversation before we returned to our new usual positions of Edward and me keeping watch and Esme in Bella's room.

--*+*--

**BELLA'S POV**

I awoke with a start, feeling my chest rising up and down quickly as I panted for air.

I think I was awake. I think the dreams were over. I laid silently in the bed with my eyes closed trying to process the thoughts and dreams that had flashed before my eyes. Charlie, Esme, Angela, Victoria, Mike and Laurent. Their images and words all blended together in a new reality.

"_Are you okay?" Angela asked._

"_A mate for a mate." Mike snarled in a vicious tone._

"_School's not the same without you." Esme told me._

"_Did you eat the lunch I made you?" Laurent asked me with a smile._

"_How's your head dear?" Victoria said with a look of love and devotion._

"_You're such a fun toy to play with." Charlie laughed._

I felt my stomach clench with fear when I realized I couldn't honestly tell which was a dream. They had all felt so vivid and real, yet distant and hazy.

I tried to break them down. Charlie had been here at lunch. I think? I opened my eyes briefly and was welcomed by the darkness of night, with a small brightness illuminating from a small lamp across the room.

I closed my eyes again. Night time. Hadn't Charlie mentioned Angela and Mike coming after school? Had that already happened?

"_Bella, we're here!" Mike shouted from downstairs._

_Soon both he and Angela were opening the gate at the top of the stairs and entering my room. I noticed right away the smell of some burgers._

"_We thought you might like some food. I didn't want to think about what Charlie might have been cooking." Angela laughed as she held up the fast food bag._

"_Me either, you guys didn't have to do this, but I'm totally eating it anyway. Thank you." I said motioning to the brown lunch bag that lay untouched on my desk._

"_Did you take your pills?" she asked._

"_Yes."_

"_No issues with pain?" Angela continued her line of questions._

"_No."_

"_What about dizziness when you woke up? The doctor had mentioned it may be worse when you wake up…"_

"_It's okay." I cut her off. "It was a little worse the usual…but I dealt with it fine."_

"_Are you sure?" She asked._

And then it all went fuzzy. But I decided that must have been real. It had to have been. This concussion and these drugs were playing a lot of games with my mind. I couldn't find the distinction between dreams and reality. I really was crazy. With tears in my eyes I forced myself to fall back asleep. As I began to drift away I could have sworn I could feel someone rubbing the tears away from my cheeks.

--*+*--

**ALICE'S POV**

Driving to Forks High in Edward's Volvo felt odd to say the least. Over the years I had grown used to changing schools, starting over again. But this wasn't starting all over again.

"Alice?" Edward asked, hearing my thoughts going a mile a minute.

"I'm sorry Edward this is just so…abnormal for me. Everything's different. This is not following our usual practice of being unnoticed. We used to blend in, stay in the background. People never got too close to discovering our nature, and the few times we suspected they did we were quick to leave."

"So you don't want to go through with this?" he asked.

"No! I mean yes. Ugh…you can read my mind you know what I mean. Bella changed everything. I loved being part of that. Throwing parties, playing dress up, even sitting at lunch with the other children. It made me feel so normal. I belonged. We all belonged. I know we've been talking about this the past few days. But I think my head finally made sense of how different this is going to be. This isn't going to be our usual routine of staying in the background. Everyone knows us. But we also won't be going back to the routine I want."

"I know Alice." He responded solemnly.

"What's going to be waiting for us here?" I wondered aloud, as we pulled into our familiar spot I could already catch glimpses of people watching us.

"Prepare yourself Alice. This isn't going to easy." Edward tried to warn me as he no doubt was already getting readings on the children around us.

"The story is simple Alice. Just an extension of the lie we already told. Esme missed Forks and after coming just before Christmas the family has all decided we missed it as well. The reason we missed the first few days of classes is because we were busy unpacking and re-settling in as well as waiting for our transcripts from LA to come in. Which in reality was Jasper working his magic on the computer." Edward relayed the story once again and even almost smirked at the Jasper line.

Jasper had done us a favour and came to the school yesterday to a get a read on the atmosphere. News of our return to town was already rampant. He and Edward had spoken for hours, but all Jasper would tell me was not to take it personally. I couldn't imagine what I was getting myself into.

"Ready?" He asked while holding his hand on the door release.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I said with a smile trying to put on my mask of usual peppiness. I stepped out of the car and instantly wished I hadn't.

"Oh my god! Can you believe they have the nerve to come back here?" I heard a female voice say.

"What a jerk!" another voice said.

"Poor Bella. Does she know?" a male voice asked. The first three people in a chorus of words we instantly heard.

I looked over at my brother and could see the pain on his face. If these were the things people were willing to say so we could hear; I could only imagine the things being thought.

We walked silently with our heads down as we made our way to the office to get our schedules. The callous words continued to be whispered and in a few cases yelled as we made our approach. I couldn't help but feel pain in each stare, whisper and word. It was something I couldn't even fathom.

"Freaks! Go back to where you came from!" A student stopped us in our path and screamed in our faces. I could feel my face fall as both me and Edward flinched and manoeuvred our way past the boy and continued our long journey to the office.

All our years in this charade of blending in I had never bore witness to something this large of a scale. Usually there were whispers about our beauty, there were always whispers about our relationships, and rarely there were people who saw something odd. But it was usually no more then a passing thought and never affected our lives. But today the visions kept flashing in front of me. Students who weren't even friends with Bella when we were here last year were thinking of confronting us. They were actually considering stopping us and yelling at us, telling Edward off, some brave boys were even thinking of hitting Edward. I saw one boy debating sucker punching Edward and screaming it was for Bella. It was impossible to keep up with the images.

I wished for a brief moment Jasper could be at my side. I selfishly wished we had convinced Rosalie to be a year younger then Emmett so he could have been with me. But I was quick to push that thought away as I glanced quickly at Edward. His face was shattered, no doubt by the words being said, the images he was seeing through me and then of course the thoughts I had no way of detecting around us. What would Japer feel in this building? I shiver went down my spine. No. It was a very good thing Jasper wasn't here. As much as I needed him, as much as Edward needed him. We both needed to be as strong as we could.

The walk to the office felt like the longest walk of my entire life. It was one of the few times I longed to just speed past them all. It reminded me of the night we left Bella the first time. Being side by side with Edward as we walked away into something I didn't want to do. And here I was again, walking side by side down the hall I didn't want to be in. The first time we were leaving for Bella's well being, and here we were returning for the exact same reason. How quickly life had changed. When we finally reached the office I quickly gave Edward's hand a squeeze but he didn't return it.

"Good morning. We're here to…" Edward started but was quickly interrupted,

"Yes yes. We will be with you in a moment." The receptionist Mrs. Cope snapped back.

I couldn't believe it. This was the same woman Edward had said was always thinking inappropriately about him. And yet she too was against us. She was an adult. She shouldn't be treating us – students – like this. This whole situation was just…I had no words. We were the Cullen's. Model students, model children. Adults respected us.

As we sat in the seats waiting for whenever we were worth her time Edward then gave my hand a small squeeze. I knew this was going to be a very long day. And it instantly got longer as I sensed Angela and Mike walking past the office. I could immediately see the decisions made by Angela. She had no intention of telling Bella that we were back at school unless she absolutely had to. And then she was debating talking to me, yelling at me, avoiding me. Making sure she made it clear I along with my brother were to stay away from Bella. I couldn't believe these were the decisions being considered by Angela. Sweet innocent Angela. Edward sat stone faced, his teeth clenched as we sat in the tiny office listening to everything. This was hell.

--*+*--

**BELLA'S POV**

Morning came with a sharp pain in my chest. I suddenly remembered I had forced myself back to sleep without taking any of my painkillers. As I reached blindly for the bottle and my water I suddenly felt hands blocking my way. I opened my eyes and found myself staring at Esme.

Was this a dream? It felt like I had woken up. I could have sworn I had woken up.

"Are you feeling better dear?" she asked sweetly as she helped hand me my medication and a glass of water. I must have given her an odd look as she then added. "You are safe Bella."

Safe. That was something I had given up on a long time ago. My safety was forever lost, along with what little hope I had left. All I was placing my focus on was trying to keep my family safe. All I hoped for was that no harm would come to them. Second to that I wished when it came it would be quick. Pain was not something I was growing accustom too.

But now my heart raced. Could I really be safe? Was that really Esme telling me that everything was going to be okay? My heart throbbed with a sense of relief and joy I never thought I would feel again. But my head, even in this dreamlike state, was quick to remind me all was not well. Was it even real? It wouldn't be the first time I had conversations with someone who wasn't actually there. But this had felt different, this had felt real.

I thought back to the last time I remembered seeing Esme. She had said something about how they had never left. What did she mean by that? Had they seen what Victoria did to me, and stood by and did nothing? I didn't want to believe it, but how could they have always been with me, but missed that.

We both sat in an odd silence. If felt natural, I took solace that she was here with me, taking care of me. At the same time it was uncomfortable. I still didn't trust her. I didn't trust myself; I still had so many questions. Esme was the first to break the silence.

"Charlie left you a note again. He left a sandwich for you, and he wanted to remind you that Angela and Mike will be here after school. And of course that you can call him if you need anything and he will be here right away." And I instantly recognized this as my dream.

Esme grabbed the lunch bag and handed it to me. I was honestly terrified at the thought of what Charlie could have made me. Yesterday's was never even touched. But no matter what it was there was no way I could eat. Not now. I shook my head and Esme nodded in understanding.

"From the beginning then?" she asked.

"Yes." I said, terrified at what I was about to hear. This was new, this hadn't happened in the dreams before.

"I shall start when we last saw you. You had come to the house to talk to Edward but couldn't." she started.

I unconsciously took in a deep breath. Remembering how many times I had recalled that day. How in the woods face to face with Victoria, I had wished with all that I could that I had said something that day to make him love me again. That I could have changed it all. How if only I hadn't run away from him this would have never happened. But no, he left me and I had to stop placing the blame on me

"Edward knew you weren't ready to talk to him, and we thought we could use that to our advantage."

"Advantage?" I asked confused.

"Victoria had been spying on all of us. We had been trying to locate her but we were not having any luck. But we knew she was watching us."

Suddenly a horrible memory flashed before my eyes. Victoria, her hand around my throat telling me how the Cullen's had thought I was crazy. I could feel the tears begin to fall steadily from my eyes.

"She said you all thought I was crazy."

"No, no, Bella." Esme said as she grabbed my hand with both of hers. "We knew she was listening. So we let her think we thought that. But we _never_ did. Never doubt that Bella. We always believed in you. We knew it was Victoria."

"Why…why didn't anyone tell me? I thought it was _Edward._ How could you let me believe that? I almost died thinking he…" I sobbed disgusted at myself for the horrible things I had said he had done. Esme squeezed my hand tighter.

"There was no way for us to know when she was listening. Even with our gifts Bella, Victoria is something different. She has a gift of her own that we haven't figured out yet. We couldn't risk her finding out we knew it was her. We had a plan Bella, and it went horribly wrong. We can never apologize enough to you."

"What? What was the plan?"

"First you have to understand. We thought you wouldn't want to talk to any of us for a few days. That was our first mistake of too many to ever count. We had formulated a plan that if Victoria thought we had left, she might come closer again. We had split into two groups and had planned on coming at her from two sides."

I could easily picture Jasper and Edward formulating this plan in my head. It was so typical of them. Trying to fix the situation while keeping me in the dark.

I let in out a dry gasp which caused a spasm of pain to go down my arm, I flinched and instinctively grabbed onto my arm. I could see pain is Esme's eyes as she continued on.

"Like I said. Victoria is definitely gifted, and she ended up doubling back. It took us too long to realize. By time we made it to the woods…"

"You were _there_?"

"Yes…by the time we got there you were already…unconscious."

I could see the extreme pain and guilt on her face. She had seen me. They all had. They had been there, they had saved me. Victoria had planned on killing me, just as she said. She had planned on her game ending right then and there.

A multitude of emotions crashed over me as I broke down completely. Esme wrapped her arms around me and cradled my head on her shoulder as she rubbed her hand on my shoulder trying to avoid the bruises on my back.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner…In the hospital I was so scared. I saw her at the foot of my bed. I kept thinking she was going to kill me any minute."

"Oh Bella!." She said as she held me tighter. "We wanted to, but we couldn't Bella. You were on very heavy painkillers, and your father was reasonably upset with us."

"So he knew you were back?!" I now asked angrily. How could Charlie not tell me! I

was not a little girl and things didn't need to be kept from me.

"Bella you cannot be angry with your father. The circumstances regarding our return were very questionable. We didn't have the time to try and come up with something that made us appear innocent. Carlisle and Alice were the ones that took you to the hospital. They had just said they had found you on the side the road while driving back into town. Your father couldn't help but find it very suspicious. He told Carlisle to stay away, and we couldn't blame him for wanting that. You're all he has in this world and he would do anything to protect you."

I couldn't fathom the information circling my head. These weeks of feeling all alone, of waiting for a questionable end were all in vain. They had been there watching me, just outside of my reach with all the answers I had been yearning for. I could feel my heart race with joy as my head tried to warn me to not take this wish seriously. I seemed to have a hard time staying in this dream, and I kept finding myself going in and out of darkness.

Esme spent the rest of the afternoon with me in silence. Just sitting beside me alternating between holding my hand and putting a new cold compress on my head. I felt selfish for allowing her to stay like nothing was wrong. But I think she understood. I needed time to absorb everything, to process it all. But I also needed comfort, and Esme was perfect for that. This was the kind of dream I needed. To have these moments of peace and safety. Something I knew I would never feel again. I preferred these new dreams over my usual ones of death and gore. I could feel my eyes start to go heavy as my surroundings started to get darker and darker. For the first time in a while I wished I could stay in this dream a bit longer, but I knew it was going to end.

"Mmm. Thank you." I sighed to a smiling Esme. "I needed this type of dream for once." I said as the darkness enveloped me.


	13. Nothing To Lose

**A/N - Happy 2010 everybody! I know it has been so long I don't even want to look at when the last chapter was posted. But long overdue, here is Chapter 13. Thank you to everyone who has been PM'ing me and leaving amazing reviews. This chapter took a long time as I did quite a few re-writes. So as always thanks to my beta bookisqua for just being awesome. Thanks must also go to my friends Anna and Michelle who somehow always found a way to bring up when this chapter was coming out in everyday conversations. HERE IT IS! (now you don't have to kill me Anna) I won't say how long it will be until the next one (cause we all know I'm horrible with time frames) But chapter 14 is already partially written in rough draft form, so hopefully the wait won't be too long. (and hopefully no chapter will ever take this long again…sheesh to me)**

**stressedasalways**

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_Previously in All Around Me_

_After Edward left Bella to protect her after her fateful birthday party, Bella found strange things kept happening to her. At first she believed it was Edward, but she couldn't understand why. Just when she feels she is losing her mind the Cullen's come back. But before they can even repair the damage that has been done they leave abruptly is a hasty attempt to get rid of Victoria. But their worst nightmare comes to life when Victoria once again manages to elude them and manages to attack Bella. Disorientated, in pain and alone Bella has been left trying to figure out what has happened, as well as fight her own demons as she feels she is losing her grip on reality. Is Victoria still after her? Was that really Esme in her room or just her minds way of giving her some peace?_

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_Previously in Chapter 12 – Uncertainty_

_Esme spent the rest of the afternoon with me in silence. Just sitting beside me alternating between holding my hand and putting a new cold compress on my head. I felt selfish for allowing her to stay like nothing was wrong. But I think she understood. I needed time to absorb everything, to process it all. But I also needed comfort, and Esme was perfect for that. This was the kind of dream I needed. To have these moments of peace and safety. Something I knew I would never feel again. I preferred these new dreams over my usual ones of death and gore. I could feel my eyes start to go heavy as my surroundings started to get darker and darker. For the first time in a while I wished I could stay in this dream a bit longer, but I knew it was going to end._

"_Mmm. Thank you." I sighed to a smiling Esme. "I needed this type of dream for once." I said as the darkness enveloped me._

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**EDWARD'S POV**

I spent my night watching over Bella doing what I had done every night that had preceded; wishing I could change the past. There were so many mistakes, some minuscule…most large. And all replayed in my brain in a constant loop.

But as the sun began to peak its head over the horizon, I was left with the same empty feeling I had each daybreak since I had returned to Bella. All the thoughts, hopes, wishes and even prayers didn't change the fact that Bella still lay wounded in her bed.

I sighed as I felt the phone in my pocket buzz. Jasper, as well as Rose and Emmett, had spent the night doing some more reconnaissance on the school children. Alice had initiated the task after something had been said to her as she made her way to the Volvo after class. She had blocked me out of seeing exactly what took place, which usually would annoy me to no end. But today, what the children thought of me and my family was low on my list of priorities.

"Yes?" I asked into the phone.

"We need to talk before you go to the school today. Meet us four miles north of the school in the woods." Jasper commanded.

"Jasper is this really ness…" he cut me off

"You _need_ to hear this," he said more firmly.

"Fine, I shall be there as soon as I can," I replied quickly, before snapping my phone shut. I took a final glance at my sleeping Bella before quietly slipping out the window. Esme must have heard me talking on the phone, as she appeared at my side in the woods.

"Charlie will be awake soon," she stated, trying to make it seem like she was only here due to routine, and not concern. I nodded in understanding as her eyes bored into mine.

"It is nothing Esme."

"Nothing? I don't believe Jasper would call you over nothing."

"He has just caught some wind of what the latest gossip is with the school children at Forks High. He is nothing, if not thorough, but I'm sure it is not anything I haven't already prepared myself for."

"You are probably right," she said as she gave my hand a slight squeeze. After a moment of silence, she spoke again. 'Son, she is a fighter. Her mind needs time to heal, but you will have your chance at forgiveness. We all will." I kissed her on the head before I sprinted off towards the school wishing that forgiveness was something as simple as Esme made it seem.

I arrived at the small clearing a few minutes later. I was more then a little shocked to see the entire family, minus Esme, was already waiting.

Jasper was always quick to command and update a tactical situation. But seeing Carlisle here immediately made me question the severity of the news. But all their minds were running on different tangents; intentionally making me wait to hear what the reasoning was for this family meeting.

"What is going on?" I asked Jasper, but found myself looking towards Carlisle.

I scanned the other faces of my family, Jasper, Alice, Rose and Emmett. They all seemed not to be making eye contact. My mind raced in a million different possibilities. We were always the lepers in school by choice, and sure now our discomfort was more pronounced, but there seemed no comprehensible reason for my family to look upset over it. Could this be about Bella? But I had just left her house moments before. Her condition was the same; if not marginally better then the night before.

Alice must have seen that I was about to lose my temper and ended the nerve-wracking silence. "Edward, Bella is okay. This is about us. Or more importantly you. The kids have come up with some very interesting theories, but one has seemed to become a collective fact. Something caught my attention yesterday as I was heading out to meet you after class. Becky Smith and Tyler Crowley were talking about us. But it was different then the other times." Alice then replayed what she had overheard so I can see it myself.

"_It all makes so much sense!"_ Becky whispered in shock to Tyler. "_I mean the accident last summer, the dance, and the break-up…everything!"_

"_I can't believe we didn't see it sooner. It's so clear now!"_ He replied with shock and a trace of anger. It was then they saw Alice was within earshot of their conversation. Instead of looking surprised or embarrassed like they usually would when caught talking they gave Alice a cold glare.

"They had both seemed almost angry in their discussion and with all those points brought up in their conversation I knew it was something we should look into."

My mind picked out every insignificant detail from those events, but I couldn't seem to see an obvious correlation between them that the children would be talking about. I could feel my frustration growing.

"Rumors are something we deal with everyday. I doubt this isn't something I can't handle." I assured them as I began to turn away and head to the school. Even though I dreaded it, the sooner I was there, the sooner the day could begin and the sooner night would fall and I could see Bella again.

"This is different." Rosalie said in a tone that immediately caught my attention. I turned to her face quickly, but found her struggling to continue.

"Honestly. I have tortured myself thinking of _everything_ those children could think of me. I am sure you are all concerned for me, but it will not be something I have not already prepared myself for." I again reassured them.

"Edward," Carlisle began, "they think you were abusing Bella." I could not deny the sting my heart felt when I heard those words, but as expected it was not something I had not already thought of before.

"That is something I had already considered," I sighed.

"Not like this," Emmett said gravely.

As I looked at my family in shock, Jasper turned into his military self and began breaking it all down.

"It all started simply enough. A rumor. Some passing thoughts. But instead of just staying in its original form, some people added on a few stories of their own theories, and within a night it went from a simple rumor, to a full story with evidence to back it up."

"Evidence?" I asked my mind unable to find think of what evidence there could be.

Jasper passed me a small stack of papers. They were filled with different emails, instant messaging conversations and other online communications he had obviously hacked into.

_**Shellz**: did you hear what they are saying about cullen?_

_**SmallTownGirl**: OMG yes!_

_**Shellz:** Ahhh. i just can't believe it. you think her dad would be all over him_

_**SmallTownGirl:** i heard its cause she won't say anything_

_**Shellz:** what is wrong with her? he practically beats her to death just cause she turned him down_

_**SmallTownGirl:** well she has been messed up for a while now_

_**Shellz:** but she seemed to be getting better ya know? i bet its his rich dad that's getting him out of this_

_**SmallTownGirl:** …….wow…you are like totally right. i mean its not like this is the first time he did something like this. the story that happened last summer made NO sense_

_**Shellz:** yeah…the whole he went to see her after they broke up and she magically fell down some stairs or something? And then surprise surprise they are back together…it made like ZERO sense._

_**SmallTownGirl:** And at the dance? She looked so uncomfortable. Why would she even go to a dance with a broken leg? I heard she had told people before everything went down that she didn't even like dances. So why go?_

_**SmallTownGirl: **well being beaten til you're all black and blue has a way of changing a girls mind._

_**Shellz:** harsh much?_

_**SmallTownGirl:** ugh…I know.. this whole thing is just so disgusting_

_**Shellz:** speaking of disgusting, did you see what david wore today?_

I flipped through the pages frantically, trying to piece it all together.

_Jordan, you didn't see how MANIC he looked that day he showed up to the school before x-mas. And her face…it was just… I dunno how to even describe it. And Newton and Angela ran up to her soooooo fast. Newton even put himself between then. NEWTON! Do you think they knew? They must have known something to do that. It's just all so obvious now. Hard to believe this could be happening here._

Another,

_I just don't get it. I mean she was always quiet, but she seemed smarter then this. If everyone knows why doesn't she just fess up? For crying out loud her Dad is a cop._

And another,

_No wonder Jessica didn't go after Cullen. She must have gotten a weird vibe off of him_

I ripped through the pages, frantically trying to understand where this all started from. It was then that Alice finally broke the long silence of my family.

"They have made a story starting from the summer. They think she left town to leave you, and then you went and forced her back by beating her to the point she nearly died. And it just continues from there."

"Pretty damn ingenious if you ask me." Emmett quipped with a small smirk trying to lighten the air. But all it did was fill me with extreme anger. Before I could even think, I found myself gripping a tree and quickly uprooting it and throwing it against another tree with a large bang. I saw everyone flinch slightly except for Alice who must have seen it coming.

"Edward," Carlisle started, "People have an undeniable need to know the truth. And in the absence of that truth, they will fill that void with whatever makes sense." He tried to reassure me, but his attempt was futile. "We have always created stories to feed that desire, and we'll have to put some thought into the one we make to answer this rumor."

I knew I was a monster. I was a monster in almost every sense of the word. A creepy fairy tale that drank blood in the darkest nights. A man who left the woman he loved in a feeble attempt to protect her. But to be known as a man who physically hurt Bella? Did I deserve this? Was this part of my cosmic payback for what I had done to her?

It was then Jasper's military façade broke and I could finally hear his mind racing. He had been dreading telling me this all night. Him and Carlisle had a heated debate on whether they should have told me as soon as Jasper had put together all the pieces. But Jasper had stood his ground, saying he wouldn't take me away from Bella for this news, it could wait until morning. I nodded to him, thankful.

"Edward, we all knew you coming back here would be hard." Rosalie said without her usual tone if irritancy. I think she understood my plight. She had been the victim of domestic violence before, and she knew how dark it was to be what I was being called.

"Alice we should get headed to class." I could hear the children in the distance; the first bell would be ringing soon.

"But Edward?" Emmett questioned.

"I am not supposed to know that they have been talking about me. No sense doing anything out of the ordinary."

"But what are you going to do?" Rosalie asked shocked I intended to continue on with my day.

"We will continue to do what we've done everyday. Nothing changes. If we are confronted, I will act horrified and deny it." Nothing _could_ change. I needed to push through this ugliness to be able to beg Bella for my forgiveness.

--*+*--

Soon me and Alice took our seats in the classroom; so another day of Hell on earth had begun. I found myself longing for the days when high school was simply purgatory and not a constant test of my and Alice's strength.

So far only a few children had begun making their way into the classroom. But none had thoughts about me, at least none that were out of the ordinary. For a brief moment, I thought maybe Jasper was wrong. Well not wrong, but maybe had just overreacted. He was the newest of our family, and had the least practice in dealing with the day to day lives of humans. Gossip and news could spread like wildfire, but could just as easily be pushed aside for something more interesting.

But what little relief I had allowed myself to feel was instantly shattered when Angela walked in the door.

'_Why wouldn't Bella tell me? I would have helped her. And now he's back….and she has no idea. What am I supposed to do?' _she thought as her mind raced past the countless emails and gossip that had passed her computer screen the night before.

I was snapped out of my head when I heard a large BANG and heard my sister give a small cry in shock.

A junior named Anna Jones had kicked my sister's chair as she had walked by to take her own seat at a table nearby. On purpose of course. Alice had seen it coming, but had to keep up the appearance of it doing what the girl had wanted. Apparently Alice was an easier and safer target then I.

The teacher looked up and could see the snickering students, but quickly turned her attention back to her paper. The pattern Mrs. Cope had started of Alice and I being invisible continued with the entire faculty.

And that was how it all started. A simple kick of a chair opened the gates for all of them. Like sheep, now that the first one had been brave enough to confront us, suddenly it was expected of all of them. I for being the one who beat her, and Alice for being the one who knew all along and did nothing to stop it.

Thoughts of names for us as we passed by soon became whispers loud enough with the intention of us hearing. And then the whispers turned to cat-calls and eventual out and out yelling as we made our way through the days.

A few boys had been brave enough to shout out threats.

"How about you pick on someone your own size?"

"Hey! Freak! How about a taste of your own medicine?"

But I knew just as well as they did, none of them were brave enough to actually go further then their words. At least not with me.

Alice on the other hand was getting it worse then me. Which made little sense since I should be the target of all their attacks. But the girls of the school had decided to make Alice their main target. She was small and usually quiet in school. The girls could never go after me directly, but Alice was a good substitute. Once she had even been cornered as they all spat their hateful words on her.

"You are disgusting!" Britney Gormon sneered.

"Look, I know what you all think happened. But it's not true, Edward loves Bella…" Alice tried to defend.

"Being in love doesn't mean it is not true." Janine Robinson mocked sarcastically.

"So I guess Bella really did just fall down those stairs? Hit the doorknob? Tripped on the table? Slipped on the ice? Please!"

Luckily, I had heard and soon came around the corner and the girls all scattered like frightened bugs. Even though my intrusion wouldn't help my cause, I had to help my dear sister anyway I could. Although I knew Alice was more then willing to hold her own as well as defend me, if I could end the confrontations sooner I would.

She had no recollection of her human life, and being bullied was something that had never happened in her new life. It was something she had only seen the other children have to deal with. And even in the past when a few brave children had found the courage to say something to us, it was always quick. Alice had never specifically been hunted out to be attacked. Jasper had made it part of his day to stay in the woods just out of range so Alice could quickly go to him during the day for support. He had offered his services to me as well, but I wouldn't accept. If being the schools punching bag was part of my punishment for what I did to Bella, I would take it like the monster I had become. I was finally being acknowledged at long last by the world for what I was. And I selfishly hoped that one day Bella would know I did it for her. As small as a sacrifice as it is compared to what she had to endure, it was still something.

Carlisle and Esme were so concerned after they heard of our days they had tried to convince us it was a mistake to be students at Forks. Maybe it was better to make up a new lie. Esme mentioned we could always say we are going to a private school outside Forks. With Carlisle's known stature and wealth, combined with how we were being treated at the school it would be an easy story to convince. Jasper had come up with an even easier story to portray. It would make perfect sense for Esme to home-school us based on how the school was treating us. It would have been an easy way out of Forks High. But I told them easy didn't mean it was the right choice. If I were an abuser then I would have beaten someone by now, and surely the children would figure that out sooner or later?

There was no way I was leaving. Emmett told me I was just punishing myself. Trying to be condemned for my errors by anyone until Bella could do it for me. I had to give it to Emmett; he knew what he was talking about and was the only one willing to say it out loud. But this was more then just about me. If I ever wanted to be a part of Bella's life, I couldn't hide.

Luckily for me I had Alice's backing one hundred percent. The school was tortuous for her, but she wanted her life back. She wanted to be the high school student. Making plans, going out and just enjoying her future sister Bella's company. I had even caught her thinking about having lunches with not only Bella and me, but Mike and Angela. And the only way for any of those visions to ever come true would be for us to be students at Forks High.

The bell and Alice's thoughts snapped me out of my own.

'_I'll get the props. Meet you outside?'_

Another typical cold cloudy day gave us the chance to avoid the stares and voices. No one else wanted to eat outside in the winter air and Alice and I doing it only made them feel like they were victorious in making us feel uncomfortable.

As I made my way out the building I could see Angela and Mike glaring at me… Quickly, I averted my eyes and even made myself slightly stumble as I pushed through the door to exit the school. It was completely ridiculous for me to do such a thing. But I couldn't help it. Even if they could never understand what that stumble meant, I had to do it. To somehow let them know that they had the power. They had done everything right and even more. They took care of Bella – helped her rediscover her life. I would forever be in their debt. I wanted nothing more then to be able to tell them as much as I could. But I didn't think either one of them was ready to have a face to face conversation with me. And the last thing I wanted was to cause them any more discomfort.

I cleared the light dusting of snow on the bench seats and with my arm did a quick wipe of the table. I then sat at the picnic table and quickly glanced inside the school to check in on Alice.

'_Alice.'_ Angela called, as she motioned with her head for my sister to leave the cafeteria line.

Both Alice and I were shocked. Alice had seen Angela contemplating confronting her from the moment she saw us back in the school. I had even heard her practicing what she would say. But neither of us thought she would be capable of going through with it. I had to give Angela credit. She was truly willing to do anything when it came to Bella.

Once they were away from the crowd, Alice spoke first, _'Angela -,'_

In a brusque tone, Angela interrupted her, _'I'm gonna make this quick. Please just stay away from Bella.'_

'_Angela I can't do that. She needs me. And she's my friend, too.'_

'_No! No she's not!'_ Angela raised her voice in anger and then self-consciously glanced around embarrassed, as the students all gawped at the scene. She closed her eyes briefly before calmly continuing, _'Are the rumors true?'_ she asked Alice sternly, but I could read that Angela still held hope that they weren't.

'_Nn…no,'_ Alice stuttered. '_I swear to you Angela. Edward would never ever in a million years hurt her.'_ Angela then laughed small laugh. _'What?'_ Alice asked quietly, unable to figure out Angela.

'_But he did hurt her Alice. You both did. Even…even if you are telling the truth, and it's all a rumor…. He left…You left…'_

'_I had no choice Angela, my father got a new job.'_

'_Yes. But __**you**__ made the choice to leave without saying goodbye. Edward may be an ass but at least he had the human decency to say goodbye. And now you want to come back and pretend to be her friend?'_ Alice was about to interrupt to once again say she was a friend. But Angela already knew that was what she was going to say.

'_Did you ever call her Alice? E-mail her? A quick text? A note in the mail? How about even a poke on facebook so she knew you still knew she even existed?'_

Alice's silence spoke volumes

'_That's what I thought. Just stay away Alice.'_

I closed my own eyes at her words. _Human decency._ When I opened my eyes I could see my poor sister running as fast as she could at a human pace in front of prying eyes and crashing into me.

"Alice, I'm so sorry."

And I was. This wasn't a show for the children. This was Alice being crushed. Being with Bella had made Alice feel human. She had felt alive. Alice had been prepared to be attacked, but for Angela to use those words had caught her completely off guard.

I could sense some of the children were watching us intently. As I comforted my sister some began to doubt I could be the monster that did those things to Bella. But I could not take any solace that this doubt could help relieve the hell Alice and I were living. Not when the price was my sister in my arms.

'_Tell her I'm here. Tell her to come to me.' _ Jasper begged from the forest.

"Jasper's here. Go to him." I whispered.

"No." she shook her head. "People are watching us now. I can't just run off into the woods." She sighed wishing that she wasn't right. "She was my friend Edward. My first human friend. I never wanted to hurt her – ever. She's my sister, and I never ever wanted to hurt her." She sighed as she finally released me and sat down at the table. "What are we going to do about Bella over-dosing herself?" Alice asked quickly changing the subject away from herself. As much as I felt Alice deserved more of my time, it was clear she didn't want to discuss what had just happened anymore. And if there was any topic that could outshine my concern for Alice, it was my concern for Bella.

"I don't know. I talked with Esme about trying not to give her painkillers when she's there, but Bella's in so much pain Esme can't bear it. Esme sees no sense is standing by and watching her surfer when it will only delay her recovery."

"It doesn't help that she thinks Esme is a dream. Or that Charlie doesn't seem to be keeping track of her. He is used to Bella taking care of herself." Alice said.

"I think I should go to her."

"What? Edward you can't. She's not lucid enough. Especially now. She would just think you are a figment of her imagination."

"I know. But people are most truthful in their dreams. I can find out exactly what she thinks. No censor. That first day she was so open with Esme. I think she would do the same for me."

"But what good would that accomplish? You're just going to get yourself hurt Edward, not to mention terrify her."

"This isn't about me Alice. This is about Bella. I need to know where she stands. Not with me, but for all of us."

Alice gave me a knowing look.

"And I need to see her. Even if it does hurt. And maybe…" I paused as I felt a flicker of hope at my next words, "I'm what she needs to finally realize this isn't in her head. And then she can really begin to heal."

"Well. I guess that little confrontation with Angela could be enough reason for my caring brother to take me home?" she asked with a tiny smirk.

"Yes. I can see that being believable." I said as we both stood up and she crashed herself back into me, as she had a few minutes before, as we made our way to the office.

"Mrs. Cope?" I said as I pushed the door open for Alice as she looked 'ill' under my arm.

"Yes?" she answered automatically as she raised her head to see who it was. I was expecting the same harsh woman when we first returned but I could hear her misplaced anger was now interlaced with guilt at the sight of my sister.

"_Oh poor Alice Cullen. It must be getting to her with all the students being so mean…But Bella Swan_…" she stopped her thoughts there but with that one quick thought of guilt I knew it would be easy to convince her to call Carlisle at work so me and Alice could go home.

A quick phone call later and we found ourselves heading to the parking lot. As it was still lunch hour many students were hanging out and quickly brought their thoughts to us.

As I opened the car door for Alice a single thought from the waves coming into me made itself heard. Lyndsey Rushbrook; a freshman.

'_Look at how he takes care of his sister. My mom always said you can see how a guy will treat you based on how he treats his own mother. But a sister must count for something. It doesn't seem like an act to me. He doesn't seem like he could have hurt her.'_

And that one thought gave me a surge of confidence I wasn't expecting. If I could convince these ravaging school children that I wasn't capable of hurting Bella, then I knew Bella would know I would never hurt her. The Volvo started with a quiet purr.

"Just go a mile up the road. You can head to Bella's by foot and I will meet up with Jasper and take the car home." Alice said.

I nodded. Finally ready to see Bella. Face to face. No hiding in the shadows. It was time to make her see me.


	14. The Mess I Made

**A/N - HAPPY NEW MOON DVD DAY! Thank you for all the amazing reviews! As always love to my amazing amazing beta bookisqua as well as my friends for "nicely" reminding me to work on this. And again thanks for sticking around :-) Can't wait for your reactions.**

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_Previously in Chapter 13 - Nothing to Lose_

_As I opened the car door for Alice a single thought from the waves coming into me made itself heard. Lyndsey Rushbrook; a freshman._

_'Look at how he takes care of his sister. My mom always said you can see how a guy will treat you based on how he treats his own mother. But a sister must count for something. It doesn't seem like an act to me. He doesn't seem like he could have hurt her.'_

_And that one thought gave me a surge of confidence I wasn't expecting. If I could convince these ravaging school children that I wasn't capable of hurting Bella, then I knew Bella would know I would never hurt her. The Volvo started with a quiet purr._

_"Just go a mile up the road. You can head to Bella's by foot and I will meet up with Jasper and take the car home." Alice said._

_I nodded. Finally ready to see Bella. Face to face. No hiding in the shadows. It was time to make her see me._

* * *

**BELLA'S POV**

I was pretty sure I was awake, I felt awake. I could feel the dull throb in my head and ribs beginning to greet the dawn whenever I took a deep breath. But I kept my eyes tightly closed. Even though I was positive I was no longer dreaming, I couldn't open them. This was the same feeling I had felt every day. And every time I would open my eyes, I would see her caring face looking back at me. The Esme of my imagination.

One day Imaginary Esme came into the room and pulled up a chair. "Bella, you need to come back to us."

I put the pillow over my face to block out the sight of those lying eyes. "World, I know you enjoy beating up on me. But sending Edward's mother to torment me every day by pretending she cares is getting a big much. I'm not falling for that trick again."

"Dear, I do care." The fabric softener that Charlie had doused the sheets with tickled my nose. For once, the texture of cloth against my head soothed me.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me," I sang into the room, lips mashed by the weight of the cushion.

Jeez, I've got to get a clue. I'm talking to myself now. That can't be good. Then again, seeing as Victoria and Laurent won't rest until I'm worm meat, I guess I've earned myself a pity party. No one would believe me. And it sucks being alone. It sucks being me.

Other days Esme stayed silent watching over me. Sometimes she would try to talk to me, but since my 'fool me' comment she mostly babbled almost mindlessly keeping a steady stream of noise. But one thing was constant. Each time the pain in my heart grew more and more. Why was my head doing this to me? Was it not enough that the physical pain was so bad I sometimes wondered how I would get through another day? Or the psychological pain that I knew this wasn't over. Victoria and Laurent wouldn't be finished until I was dead. But now my head had to play games with my heart?

I debated opening my eyes for a second to see what time it was. Then remembered how I had destroyed my alarm clock a few weeks ago. Ugh. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I could open my eyes for 2 seconds to see what time it was. Charlie would be coming home early to take me to see Dr. Anderson. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. I needed to see the world outside. Feel the cold wet foggy air that only in Forks would constitute as fresh.

Perhaps my cabin fever had sent me around the edge completely. I actually looked forward to seeing Dr. Anderson, which was something that completely shocked me considering I knew I hated spending time with the man, having the world prove that I was a nutcase for real. But in all my weird hallucinations, from seeing Esme, my mother, Victoria, Angela, Mike, other kids from school, even Charlie. I had never seen him. I could distinctly remember the last time we'd spoken in the hospital. And I hadn't seen him since in any of my visitations from memories past. It was one of the few interactions I knew with all of my heart and mind was real.

Everyone else I wasn't as clear about. My mom. I remembered talking to her on the phone. Telling her I was okay and it wasn't worth leaving Phil on his own to watch me sleep. Charlie had even agreed. I think more because he knew it would be a long recovery, and mom being here wasn't exactly something that would be easy for him. But then I also could recall my mom sitting beside my bed, holding my hand. It felt just as real as my phone conversation.

Charlie felt clearer. He came into my room every morning before work, leaving me fresh cold water and a brown bag lunch I never ate out of. Everything with Charlie felt right, felt proper and real. But I still couldn't seem to shake the cloudy feeling that covered all of them.

Victoria, I knew, had to be my mind, otherwise I'd be dead. I had seen her a few times. Once outside my window tapping on the glass and laughing manically. Another time she was sitting in the rocking chair, not saying a word. And once I opened my eyes to find her crimson reds inches from my face. These I were sure were not real, only because I still had a pulse. But the terror was real. I could vividly remember waking up in bed drenched in my own sweat. I was so thankful that it was Angela in my room and not some delusion that couldn't have helped me. My sheets felt as though I had been in a rainstorm. Sometimes the dreams were hard to take. Angela was quick to help me change into drier pajama's and to change the sheets on my bed. She said nothing to make me feel uncomfortable about my situation and for that I was extremely grateful. Although my guilt consumed me as I hated that my weakness was keeping Angela from getting any more sleep then I was.

Most of my memories of my time with Angela and Mike were by far the hardest to distinguish. They came to visit me everyday. I knew that much for fact. Always with food. Most days it was fast food, but some days Angela's mom would make me and Charlie something. Charlie had laughed when he realized them bringing food was an everyday thing, not that it stopped him from his sad attempt at making me a lunch each day. Mike had no trouble wolfing it down though. So I got my food, Mike got even more and Charlie felt useful in making me lunch. That's why I knew that much was real. It was one of the few things that connected outside of itself.

We talked about school and gossip and anything else that came to their minds. But then I could recall Angela bringing up the Cullen's. She never got to finish whatever she was going to say as Mike told her now wasn't the time. And I hadn't pressed the issue further because at the moment I was sure that moment was a dream. It had to have been.

Esme. Esme was another thing I knew was a hallucination. I had made the mistake of hoping she was real the first time she had appeared. But now I knew better. I ignored her, telling myself it wasn't real as each day she assisted me anytime I tried to readjust myself in bed. But each day I would flinch further and further from her touch. Now she wouldn't even attempt to help when I would make my slow walk to the bathroom each day.

Again I found myself wondering what time it was? Would Charlie be home soon to take me out of here? I couldn't take it anymore and slowly opened my eyes so I could look for my watch. I quickly glanced around my room and felt a small smile cross my lips as I discovered I was alone. I reached with my right hand searching for my watch on my bedside table. I soon found it and brought it to my face. Lunchtime. I still had a few more hours before Charlie would be here to take me to Dr. Anderson's.

I stared at the ceiling taking satisfied breaths. I was alone. She wasn't here. Maybe the hallucinations were over? Could I finally trust myself again? Now I wouldn't have to tell Dr. Anderson about them. I had been debating for days telling him. My self-perseverance never wanted me to tell a shrink anything that could help him believe I was crazy. But the more Esme visited and the more everyone got cloudy the more I decided I had to tell him. I scanned the room a second time and was once again relieved to see it empty. They were just dreams, some good, and some bad. But now they were over. Nothing for him to dwell over. Now I wouldn't have to give him more fodder for his "Bella in insane" theory.

Quite satisfied with my new found sense of truth I started to shift my body slowly to a sitting up position so I could reach the glass of water and pitcher Charlie had left. I rocked slowly from side to side trying to slowly shimmy my butt up the bed. I flinched with each movement as the familiar pains rippled through my body. With the last movement to sit myself up I moved a bit too quickly and sucked my breath in hard, making a hissing noise as my ribs throbbed.

It was then I made eye contact with a face that seemed to be flinching along with my own.

Edward Cullen.

I could feel my eyes tear up. No! No! No! This wasn't real. He wasn't here. Him of all people would never be here. Stupid stupid brain! Why are you doing this to me? Just when I thought I had it all together again.

I snapped my eyes closed, stopping the tears and this impossible sight. I decided I could keep them closed until Charlie arrived. Then I would have to tell Dr. Anderson about this. Because this was not livable. I wouldn't be able to make it if my mind was showing me him, there was just no way.

My minds ramblings were interrupted by an insidious voice. "Bella."

I closed my eyes tighter and felt my face scrunch up as the tears began to flow more freely. A million memories all hit me at once. Edward. My Edward. Him holding me tight in my bed as we talked for hours as we used to do almost every night. Us in our meadow as his skin sparkled in the beautiful sun. Our future so secure. Us living forever with his family. Him showing me the world. Being in love for eternity. Then it all went dark. The memories of him leaving me in the woods. It had all been a lie, he never did love me. It was all just a game, an experiment for him to try. But this voice was not Edward. It couldn't be.

"I'm not falling for this trick again. They don't even care Victoria. But if you think killing me will make you somehow feel better…Then just do it. Have a spine and just get it over with." I said through gritted teeth.

"Bella." He once again whispered my name. So warmly, just like how it used to be. There was no way this was real. As long as I keep telling myself that it will go away. As long as I don't open my eyes, as long as I don't speak, it will all just go away.

"Bella, please." He almost begged. Edward never groveled. This proved it wasn't real. I ignored my traitorous heart as it screamed at me to open my eyes.

Maybe if I don't speak he will go away. But my heart was yelling at me. What harm would come from looking? It was already hurting hearing him, why not make the pain worth it, it bargained with my head.

I opened my eyes slowly, half expecting him not to be there now that I wanted him to be. But there he was in all his perfection. Just as I had always remembered him. No longer the mess he had been when he had showed up to the school after Alice and the others first came back. Proof two that I had dreamt him up.

"Bella I just want to talk." he said. Of course. Of course he was here to talk. No doubt to tell me the same fairy tale Esme had tried to tell me. That all was okay. Somehow all this craziness made sense. They never left me, he never stopped loving me, and that I was safe, that I no longer had to be afraid. I wasn't born yesterday.

I hated myself for always coming back to this. I was trying so hard to be brave. But when it all came down to it, I was weak. Just like in the woods with Victoria. I tried so hard. But instead my head took me to the meadow with Edward. Where all was forgiven and forgotten just so I could lie in the safety of his arms. How pathetic was that?

And now lying in my bed, I found the scene replaying with a twist. This time instead of using the meadow to escape from Victoria and Laurent murdering me, I was using it to escape from the reality that murdered my soul. And again my head was trying to make me feel safe. Esme had failed, so it seemed my stubborn brain had decided to push up its game to Edward. But this wasn't going to help! Victoria and Laurent were still going to come. And it is going to be terrifying and painful. How would a false sense of hope make it hurt any less? Make it any less terrifying to die for someone who didn't even love you. To sacrifice everything I have for someone who walked away. A lie, even a happily ever after one wasn't going to make the day this ends any better.

"You're not real." I whispered sternly. I saw his face fall slightly before recovering. The same face Esme had made when I told her the same thing the last time I spoke to her. When he said nothing in response I decided it was best to get this delusion over with. "So go ahead. Tell me your grand tale. How leaving me was the biggest mistake ever. How everything you told me in the woods was all a lie and it was only to protect me. How you spent these past few months in pain because you missed me so much. Or how about the story where you come back to make it all better and then leave again without a word. Just in time for Victoria and Laurent to snap my arm like a twig and slam me into a tree." He flinched at that, and it ignited a spark in me to keep going.

"Oh no. But that's not where it ends. No, somehow you and the rest of your family never left. Even though you did. Because lets face it. Would I be here recovering for my life if you had? But somehow, you all insist you never left me. Again, it was for my own protection right? This," I gestured at my body, gasping in pain, "was all for my welfare right?" " He finally spoke then.

"I know it sounds…preposterous. But it is the truth." He said and I snickered a little at that, holding onto my ribs to stop the pain it caused.

"So let's just pretend for the sake of argument, and ignoring the fact you aren't really here. Let's say that's all true. You never left, you still love me. I'm still not safe right? Even though Laurent is allegedly dead? Esme likes to keep telling me that, but she also says you will 'keep me safe' not that I am safe. That's a big difference. She's still out there isn't she?"

"Yes. She is." He nodded solemnly.

I used my good hand to cover my eyes, trying to stop the laughter that wanted to explode from within me. But I couldn't hold back and I soon found myself laughing. How pathetic was I? Even my delusions wouldn't give me a reprieve from the fact I was destined to die by the hands of Victoria.

"And what are _you_ Edward Cullen going to do about it? The last time I saw you if memory serves you couldn't even comb your hair." I asked while still covering my eyes.

"Protect you."

"No, thank you. I think I like my odds better on my own. Besides, you'll just run away again. You always do. Your family as well. I'm the stupid human girl that you couldn't bother to truly love." I once again let out a laugh feeling something that could only be described as relief as I got off my chest the things I would never get to say.

"Bella." I heard him sigh, his frustration starting to show. I uncovered my face, thankful. It would be easier to have this fake conversation if he was at least acting like how I remembered him to be.

"_Bella_ what?" I asked.

His face had again turned back to its expressionless form. The same face I had seen in the woods when he left me. And suddenly the original pain I felt when he first left me was all back. Mixed in with the new pain of being abandoned a second time. Why did my head have to see him making _that_ face. Of all faces.

"Well come on, lets be honest here! Why am I here? It's all because of you. I was a game to James. You killed him. And now I'm revenge for Victoria and Laurent. She wants to destroy the love you destroyed from her. But there is nothing to destroy! I'm going to die for nothing. For absolutely nothing. And Charlie…He has no idea. I can't protect him from this. They could come at any moment."

"That's not true Bella. From the very second I met you, you became my life. My everything. Nothing can ever change that." His voice almost sounded desperate as his body flinched toward my own, but he stopped himself from getting any closer to me.

"Uh-huh, right. You've done such a wonderful job proving that to me these past months. You don't leave your life! It's time for this nightmare to end." I retorted, closing my eyes and opening them hoping he would disappear.

"I know, Bella. I made what was ultimately the worst mistake of my long life. I won't lie to you about that. I take complete responsibility for everything that has happened to you since then."

Responsibility. He made it sound like I was a thing. Something that breaks down and then can be put back together. As if he admitting responsibility would somehow make it all better.

"I don't believe you." I said coldly, as I honestly didn't.

"How can I make you believe?"

"You can't." My laughter over this situation had now turned to tears. An odd combination of anger and sadness with just a dash of dark humor remaining over my head's silly attempt to make me feel safe. What does it mean when you laugh at your own head? It couldn't be a good sign. I _needed_ to leave this room. I had to find a way to make this stop. I flung the blankets off of my legs and tried to withhold the flinch of pain it caused. Edward moved forward like he was about to help me, "Don't." I said out loud to my own head.

I took a deep breath as I prepared to get out of my bed. It hurt every time, but usually I was in no hurry. For a split second I wished I had taken Charlie up on his offer of a cane or a single crutch to help me out. I pushed myself up with my good arm and as soon as I was standing upright I instantly wrapped it around my waist trying to hold my ribs steady.

I took my steps slowly as I was hunched over trying to keep the throb at bay. Edward was in front of me walking backwards. I could see his eyes begging to touch me, to help me, but I refused to look at his face as I continued my slow shuffle to the bathroom, continuing the conversation with myself…

"Because there is no way that you are telling the truth. You don't leave your life to die at your enemies hands. That's not the way life works."

I stopped for a moment leaning back on the wall in the hallway to catch my breath. When I looked at Edward, he was studying my every move, ready to catch me. It was the same look he used to have when we ran to the meadow with me on his back, and how he always waited in case I didn't get my bearings and fell down. I could feel the anger at myself boiling over.

"God, I'm pathetic!" I yelled at myself as I staggered past him in the hallway keeping my eyes locked on my destination, the bathroom, and away from his stare. There was no response. Not that I had expected one.

I was instantly relieved as my feet crossed the threshold of the bathroom. But that relief was just as quickly dispersed as I turned around to close the door and saw him standing in the frame, his hand rock hard and holding tight to the weak wood.

I gave him what I hoped was a dirty look. Why was my head doing this to me? Edward would never attempt to invade my privacy of my 'human moments'. Each time my head distorted his memory like this, the angrier I got at myself.

"See, this is just more proof you aren't real. Edward would never invade my privacy like this. Not that he gives a damn about it anymore."

It was then my head must have got the message and his face dropped down. My phantom ex-boyfriend's shoulders sagged as he slowly put his hand down and stepped away from the doorframe. I slammed the door into his retreating form. And made sure I locked the door.

I went to the bathroom, and then made my tottering way back to the sink to wash my hands and face. Charlie would be home soon, and I didn't want to look like a complete wreck. When I was satisfied I didn't look as bad as I felt, I made my way back to the hallway. There was phantom Edward leaning against the wall waiting for me. For a second I forgot about everything when I recalled he used to do that when we….when he still loved me. Why did my brain have to make these feel so real? I rolled my eyes at myself for being so delusional. I rubbed at the tears forming in my eyes. I found my self trying to concentrate my stare on anything but his face. I soon found myself in a dead stare at the bottom hem of his shirt. It should have been tucked it. Edward _would_ have tucked it in. Just another reason I knew this couldn't be real.

"God, make this stop. He would never come back. Stop using memories to torture me." I shouted at the ceiling, as I slumped against the wall, "Okay, pity party is over, time to stop being so pathetic." I sighed as I prepared myself for the walk back to my room.

"You are not pathetic Bella. You are the strongest person I have ever met." He said as I made my way past him and back to my room.

"Most people have happy delusions. But nope. Not me. Not Bella Swan. I dream of my vampire ex-family and holier than thou? Too perfect? Stuck up? Ex-boyfriend coming home, but still being in mortal danger." I mocked back.

I kept trying to keep my focus ahead to my bedroom, but curiosity got the better of me. I quickly glanced to my right and could see he was literally walking as close behind me as anything could. A chill went down my spine as my head imagined I could feel his cool temperature emanating from his skin. I stumbled involuntarily at the feeling and in an instant he was in front of me ready to catch my stumbling form.

"I'm fine!" I barked at him as I closed my eyes to try and get my bearings back. I was thankful when I opened them he was no longer in my direct line of sight, but I could still feel the cool air coming from behind me as I once again started my impossibly long journey to my room.

"We _will_ protect you Bella." His voice called from behind me.

"Right, cause you've done a bang up job of it so far. You keep saying that, but you're not _real_." I wiped at my eyes trying to rub the shame of the tears away. "You know, when I had told fake Esme she wasn't real, at least she had the decency to stop tormenting me with false words. Can't all my hallucinations develop manners?"

"I will prove to you I am real."

"How, phantom holier-than-thou ex-boyfriend?" I called over my shoulder as I used my hand as a guide on the wall and finally made it back to my bed. Slowly, I sat down on the edge, and waited for the jerk of pain I always felt. Blowing out a breath of air, I wasn't ready to lie down just yet. That's when I heard him.

He walked up to me cautiously, giving me a look like one would a rabid animal, which just proved even more he wasn't real. He knelt so our eyes were level. I could feel my heart burn.

"Bella," He stared at me in silence. It was almost like he was thinking hard of what to say.

"I wish there was a more poetic way for me to prove to you I am truly here for you. But, given the circumstances I guess this will have to do." He said as he wrapped his hands so quickly over my right hand I felt it before I saw it. His cold skin sent a chill through my whole body. It felt so real but unlike anything I had remembered. I could feel his hand shaking ever so slightly. "Check your painkillers, Bella. This is the reason you are having such trouble concentrating. And why you think you are always dreaming."

His face dropped like he was upset with what he had just said. I felt a slight pressure on my hand as his tightened around it. His eyes were soft, and even though I wanted to pull my hand out from his grasp and look away, I couldn't.

"Please," he sighed. "Even if it's only to prove to yourself that I _am _a dream think on those words."

I closed my eyes finding myself hurt at those words. None of them had ever admitted to me before that they were a dream. For some reason it tugged at my chest in a way I wasn't prepared for. Before I could respond I felt a breeze and opened my eyes to an empty room and my right hand significantly colder then the rest of my body.

I kept looking around the room, searching for answers to questions I didn't even know. Why did the delusions have to feel so real? Why did it have to hurt so much? I closed my eyes tightly, taking shallow breaths. Deep inside of me something hoped when I opened them I would have answers. But once again my eyes simply discovered my empty and answerless room.

* * *

The next hour waiting for Charlie felt like the longest of my life. I couldn't concentrate. My mind raced trying to understand what was going on. I was snapped out of my endless thoughts when Charlie entered the room.

"Bells? You ready to go?"

"Yeah." I whispered, staring at the brown pill bottles that lined one side of my bedside table.

Charlie gave a sideways glance. "Need help with something?"

My mind raced. Was I really going to do what Edward had asked me to? But he _was_ wrong. He was a silly delusion playing tricks with my mind. My stubborn side quickly won as I decided I would bring them to ask Dr. Anderson, if for no reason then to be able to prove dream Edward wrong.

"Yeah. Can you grab these? When we were in the hospital I was so overwhelmed I didn't really retain much info about what I'm taking. I want Dr. Anderson or Dr. Gerendy to give me a run through again." I was surprised how quickly I came up with a plausible lie.

Charlie looked confused for a moment before his face nodded in agreement as he gathered the containers in a small bag.

The effort it had taken to get me down the stairs, then into the car, and then into the doctor's office was quite comical. But, surprisingly the pain hadn't been that bad. It was the first time I really noticed that I was getting better, I was healing.

Charlie helped me sit down in the small waiting area before going to the receptionist to let her know who I was. While he talked to her I noticed her peer past him to look at me briefly before her head went down as she wrote something. It seemed to take Charlie a lot longer then it should have to say 'Bella is here'.

While Charlie was still standing at the small windowed opening the door opened with Dr. Anderson giving me a welcoming smile. And I instantly wondered how, for even a second, I had been looking forward to being here again. I quickly glanced at the large clock in the waiting room and began the internal countdown in my head. One hour. That's all I had to endure.

Charlie and the doctor had both helped me into his small office. It looked exactly how I had pictured it in my head. Full of bookcases in rich dark woods that matched his desk. And of course how would the room be complete without the leather couch and chair. I really didn't want to have to lie down, so after much fidgeting with Charlie's help, I ended up settling with sitting on the couch, but with my back against the armrest so my legs were outstretched. It was just easier on my ribs then sitting normally and I refused to be the cliché by lying down to talk to my shrink.

Once Charlie left the room the doctor was quick to start.

"So Bella. You are looking quite well today." He began with what I was sure was obligatory small talk.

"Well considering the last time you saw me was in a hospital bed, pretty much anything in an improvement right?" I tried to be myself as much as possible. Hoping if I was open when I could, it would waste time before he could get to the things I didn't want to talk about.

He smiled warmly; I could sense he was happy I had given him more then a one-word answer. "That is very true. How are you healing? It's good to see you walking around, even if it is with some assistance."

"It's getting better. I've definitely noticed it's easier moving around at home."

"And have you seen Dr. Gerendy yet?"

"No, the plan I think was for him to pop up here after this was over just to take a quick peek."

"Any dizziness or problems moving around?"

"No dizziness… and moving around…it's about what I expected."

"Very good. And how are you finding it at home? Have you gotten cabin fever yet?"

"Yes and no. I was looking forward to getting out of the house today. I was actually a bit surprised how easy it was. I was expecting the pain to be a lot worse. So this opens up more possibilities of moving around the house. Plus Angela and Mike visit everyday and…" I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized what had just happened. I looked up at him and gave him a shocked look. "You're good, you know that? One second we're making small talk and the next we're just going right into it." He smiled at me.

"It is my job. I don't like to brag, but I do like to think I know what I'm doing." I did have to give him credit. He was very good. I did feel a little guilty for the feelings I had of, I guess hatred. He was a very nice man. He wasn't nearly as stuffy as I had remembered him in the hospital. But I knew I had to be even more careful now. He was very good at getting me to open up. But opening up was bad. Opening up meant he would know I was crazy. At that moment I could feel the small bag of pills at my side burning like they were on fire. Like a shinning beacon of my craziness. The doctor had noticed when Charlie placed the bag with me, but had yet to acknowledge it.

"So, as you were saying…" he encouraged me.

"As I was saying. Mike and Angela visit everyday after school, and on the weekends they practically live in my house." That seemed like a nice normal sentiment.

"Sounds like you have amazing friends Bella. Were these the two that I used to see sleeping in the hallway back when you were here in the hospital?"

"Yeah, that would be them. They've been with me through it all."

"How long have you known them?"

"Well I met them both on my very first day of school here. But we got really close at the beginning of this school year." And I instantly regretted what I had just said. I had just given the doctor the perfect opening to bring up the Cullen's again. I stared at Dr. Anderson instantly locking down in preparation. Instead he just nodded and smiled.

"Well friendships tend to sink or swim in times of need. It's good to know you have not just one, but two people who are really there for you." He replied. I think I could feel my mouth open slightly in shock. How could he not use that perfect opportunity to talk about what I _knew_ he wanted to talk about?

"Bella. We're not going to bring up something I know you are not comfortable discussing. One day we will. But it's not going to be today. And it's not going to be in the first ten minutes of our session so we can stare at each other in silence for fifty minutes."

I knew this was all part of his plan. His way to make me feel comfortable with him. But damn if it wasn't working.

"How about we talk about something you want to talk about." He brought up.

"What…I? Want to talk about." I asked disbelieving.

"Yes. I'm sure there must be something you want to talk about. Come on Bella. I know you want to put my brain to the test." He mocked. It was then I noticed he didn't have his pad and paper with him like he did the first time we met.

"How come you're not writing anything down?"

"I don't always write things down, sometimes I doodle to help me concentrate." That was not an answer I was expecting. How was he able to keep doing that? "And I want you to feel as comfortable as you can here. One day there may be a time I need to take a few notes. Or maybe we can use a tape recorder." I could feel my mouth drop. Recordings? Solid, undeniable proof I'm crazy? He easily read my face and he quickly tried to recover. "Whatever you prefer. But we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Today is our first real session, and we are going to be nice and breezy."

"Nice and breezy?" I mocked back at him.

"Or something maybe not as cheesy." He laughed. And I found myself laughing back. Damn, he was good.

"So. The floor is yours Bella. What will be the topic of the day?"

"Dreams." I said quickly and without thinking. And I saw a huge smile appear on Dr. Anderson's face. "What?" I asked.

"Your dad had said you were having some issues sleeping. But I had faith that if it was something you wanted to talk about, you would bring it up. Just call it my smugness showing itself."

I was a little shocked Charlie had noticed. I was trying so hard not to make him worry, but it seems he really knew me too well. I also wondered if Angela had told him the things she had seen as well.

"Bella, it's a father's job to do that. But I will always be looking for your side to anything he ever tells me."

We both sat in silence for a moment then. Me absorbing that statement. Did he really have no intentions of bringing up my dreams if I didn't? I wanted to believe him, I really did. But still, he was a stranger. Even though getting looks that showed I was crazy was not something I wanted to see, it would be better him then Angela, Mike or Charlie.

"So…you wanted to talk about dreams." He broke the silence

"Yeah…Like what do they mean?" that seemed innocent enough.

"Well there's a nice question with a simple definitive answer of yes and no." he smirked again. "Dreams can mean many things Bella. Some are just ways of our brains releasing stress when we sleep, sometimes we find ourselves working out truths within them. It really is something that's on a dream by dream basis. You know I now have to ask the next logical question. What kind of dreams have you been having?"

And here we go.

"Well…I mean I'm not really sure. Some of them are normal…I think…It's just really confusing."

"What's confusing?"

"I…I don't think the meds are working right. Things are just kind of blurry." I spat out quickly with some of the words blending together. And then I waited for it all to come crashing down. For Dr. Anderson who today was seeming so nice and approachable to turn into an adult and panic. 'Bella's gone crazy. Let's throw her in the white padded room'.

"That's what you were scared to tell me?"

I nodded.

"Bella, you went through something very traumatic. Not to mention your extensive injuries elsewhere but you also hit your head pretty hard. Concussions can do more then just hurt. But I understand how scary dreams can be. If you want to talk about them and break them down I am _more_ then willing. But I don't believe it's something you need to be overly concerned about. As odd as it may sound it is part of the healing process."

"Really?" I breathed out. Relief seeming to pour out of every pore in my skin.

"So do you have any juicy ones to tell me about? I haven't seen any good TV soaps in a while." He said with a smile and encouraging the relief I was feeling.

"Um. I don't know. I mean mostly it's just been like confusion. Things being said by people that wouldn't say them."

"Like?"

Well the biggest one I could remember was Victoria and Laurent asking if I was okay and wanting to take care of me, but that wasn't something I could tell him about. "Well I remember my dad telling me he missed me at school. It felt so real. But I mean, he obviously never said that."

"I see. I mean not exactly popcorn worthy. You're going to have to do better than that to impress me you know. Dying of boredom here." I rolled my eyes at him then before he continued. "I can see how something like that is unsettling though. It's something we should keep an eye on. But until you are one hundred percent and off all the prescriptions it's not something high on my list of concerns."

But in his calming words I heard the keyword that made my heart race. _Prescriptions_.

"Well…There was one other dream I wanted to talk to you about."

"I'm listening."

"Earlier today I was dreaming. And suddenly, someone was in my room. Someone who I knew couldn't be there. A friend…from Phoenix. And. . ." I didn't want to say 'he' or 'she', "they told me I was accidentally taking too many of my pain medications."

"And are you?"

"I…I don't know. I've been so tired and out of it."

"Well let's see then." He said as I leaned over and handed him the small bag sitting by my side burning a hole in the shag carpet. He grabbed a piece of paper and dumped the one bottle onto it, and I could see him silently counting them. He then glanced at the label, checking I assumed the amount I was to take each day.

"Well, it looks like your dream was right."

"What?" I asked shocked. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. "I don't remember doing that. I didn't mean to do that."

"Bella, Bella. Calm down. It's okay. I mean it's not a good thing but it's not the end of the world. You've been home by yourself most days. Sleeping a lot. It would be really easy for you to forget that you've taken one and take another. The amount you have been taking is very high for your body weight. Especially with the other prescriptions we have you on"

I closed my eyes thinking back to every time I took one. And then it all hit me like a brick wall. Esme. She helped give me one almost every morning. But that was just a dream?! I had always taken the real one when I awoke later.

"_I will prove to you I am real."_

"But…how can a dream tell me that? How is this even possible?"

Dr. Anderson seemed a bit taken back by the panic in my voice. But then again he didn't realize I wasn't concerned so much about the fact I had been double dosing, but _how_ I had been double dosing.

"Dreams are from within our own minds Bella. Even if you weren't consciously aware you were taking more, somewhere you were subconsciously aware you were. It's really not that horrible Bella. It was just an accident. And it explains a bit more why you were having such trouble with confusion and dreams."

But it had felt so real. Esme. Edward. All of my senses had told me they were really there. But I was so sure they had been a dream. They had to be a dream. I absorbed all of Dr. Anderson's words. I had been taking too much of my medications. In these circumstances it was completely _normal _to be confused. They weren't real. I wasn't insane. This could all be rationally explained.

"Bella, I think we are going to end here. You really don't need to be upset with yourself. Honestly. I was talking with Dr. Gerendy earlier and we were discussing, depending on how you were doing, starting to lower your pain pills. But based on today's developments I think we should try a few days of you on your normal dose. See how you do when your head is clearer and you are on your prescribed amount. We will also get you a refill so you won't run out early. I won't be seeing you again until next week, but we can have Dr. Gerendy give a call in a few days to possibly re-asses. Are you comfortable with me updating your Dad on all this?"

I nodded.

"Okay. I will go call Dr. Gerendy up here so he can do a quick once over. But you are doing much better. You're healing wonderfully Bella, you are a fighter."

Soon the room was filled with Dr. Anderson, Dr. Gerendy and Charlie. But all of their talking couldn't seem to catch my attention. Dr. Gerendy and Dr. Anderson filled Charlie in on how I was taking too many pain pills. But it was overly reiterated to me that it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't a big deal. They also discussed now that they would hopefully be able to lower my medication levels even more once they saw how I did with the proper amounts.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a blur of tests confirming everything was healing up properly. I didn't even flinch when the nurse took four vials of blood.

When Charlie and I arrived home that evening, Angela was sitting on the steps, backpack in hand. She ran quickly to the car to assist Charlie in helping me into the house.

"I figured since it was the weekend I would crash with you?" She asked while helping me up the stairs.

I nodded robotically still in a cloud of a million thoughts. But happy to have Angela to keep my grounded this weekend.

The weekend seemed to go by painfully slowly with me and Angela watching hours of mindless TV and movies. But with each passing hour as the medications worked there way out of my system I felt myself becoming clearer. Conversations I had now seemed to be more defined. Victoria in my room was a dream; Charlie making me a lunch was real. But Esme and Edward? I couldn't seem to get a lock on it. My stupid brain couldn't seem to give me the answer I wanted most of all. Had Esme actually been here? Had that really happened? And Edward. Had I actually told Edward those words?

I found myself lying awake at night and watching Angela toss and turn on the floor in the sleeping bag we'd set up for her. She still refused to sleep on the couch downstairs, even though she never got a good night's rest on the floor. I found myself remembering Dr. Anderson telling me how lucky I was to have such true friends. And he was right. The rest of the night I was re-living every one of my five senses when I had 'dreamed' of Esme and Edward. The smell, the feel of their skin, the way they spoke. But if they were real, why hadn't I seen them since I came back from the hospital to see Dr. Anderson? Esme was always quick to appear at my side. Even though Angela had been with me, there had been plenty of opportunities for her to come to me when Angela had been cooking or even showering.

And then the sinking answer tore through my heart. I wasn't on an overdose of drugs anymore. They were just a dream. A fairy tale to help me get through the days while I healed. But now I was getting better. My bones beginning to mend, my concussion healing. It was time for me to go back to reality.

On Sunday morning, Charlie for the first time in a very long time went to La Push for some much needed fishing with Billy. It made it feel more official that I was getting better, that Charlie felt secure enough to leave me alone with Angela for more then just his work.

We decided to spend the morning reading. I couldn't even begin to describe how good it felt to just sit and read. My head was no longer drowsy and only felt like a slight headache when I moved too quickly. The quiet was interrupted by a knock on the door. We both looked at each other quizzically.

"Who could that be?" I asked

"Maybe Mike? He said he would stop by." Angela said as she put down her book and headed downstairs.

I heard her speak to a voice I knew wasn't Mike's for only a moment before the door closed.

"Hey Bella, you got a gorgeous flower delivery!" Angela exclaimed as she came up the stairs.

"Which parents felt guilty for their kids being mean to me now?" I laughed. Ever since the hospital flowers and cards from "students" had been piled in my room. But I knew none were actually from them. Just their parents feeling they had to do it. Charlie had said it would be nice to finally send thank you cards for them all now that I was well enough to do so. Me and Angela had many laughs filling out the thank you cards to the likes of, 'Mr. & Mrs. Mallory and Jessica'.

"Wow." Was all I could say when I saw Angela bring up the large bouquet. It was enormous. There was no way the small flower shop in Forks had put this together.

"Well this one screams guilt!" Angela laughed. And she was right. All the other gifts had been delivered when I was in the hospital. I wondered which family hadn't sent something and maybe caught wind that everyone else had.

She handed me the card while she walked over to put the bouquet on my desk. My stomach dropped, my pulse raced and all I could hear was a ringing in my ears. Reality felt like it kicked me in the gut.

_Delighted to see you are getting better,_

_I'll be seeing you._

_All my best,_

_Victoria_


End file.
